All Babes Want to Kill Me
February 26, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Easily one of the most unusual kung-fu movies I’ve ever seen, and ranks up there with Kung Pow: Enter the Fist for campy, over the top fun.
How unusual is it? How’s this for a storyline. As a young boy, Vatchel Cho (writer/director Colin Miller) was under a lot of stress. As part of his Karate training he and his 2 brothers were whacked in the groin by their trainer… who happened to be their father. This was all to help make them strong men, worthy of the Cho Dynasty. Things don’t get any better for Vatchel when he learns he’s a bastard child, and he begins to relive his stress by eating paint chips.
OK, so who didn’t?
In his case though, he developed Mercritis… a disease that men catch from eating paint chips, which causes women to have an irresistible urge to do them physical harm. I always thought that was caused by pocket protectors. Some reviews will claim that this is a real disease. I call bull***t. No way, no how is this real. But, it does make for a great story!
Destined to a shame filled life of being a single bastard, Vatchel is banished to the desert for the rest of his years. Fortunately for him there are Indians living in the area who like to fight him daily, helping him to keep his martial arts skills up to par.
All is not well at the Cho household though, with one brother (Ling) growing up with no ambition (and who happens to be flamboyantly homosexual) and the other (Shang) growing up as a weasel, just out to get his fathers money. With good ol dad on his death bed, Shang decides to hedge his bets and tricks Vatchel into leaving the desert in search of true love, hoping Vatchel gets killed of course.
And this is only the first part of the movie.
In addition to Vatchels quest for true love, there is also the family dynasty to defend, and this is one of the best parts of the movie. The three brothers must face some rather unusual challenges from some unusual foes. I really can’t say more without spoiling it but trust me, it’s really really funny stuff.
All Babes Want to Kill me is destined to become a cult classic, much like The Toxic Avenger from Troma Studios. This one will have fans for the rest of time. The biggest difference I can see is that the Colin Miller shows talent far beyond the making of a cult classic and I think we can count on him creating more really good movies in the future.
Cursed
February 26, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Cursed is not just the name of Wes Craven’s new werewolf movie. It is also what we did when we saw the dreaded PG-13 rating. Once again, we sit through a cheesy horror flick without benefit of buckets of blood getting splattered on bare bouncing boobies. But this film does have it’s moments.
Director Wes Craven knows a little something about horror movies. He directed the original Nightmare on Elm Street and the Scream movies among dozens of others. However, he had his work cut out for him this time. Cursed was delayed more than a year and had many cast members leave requiring lots of re-shoots.
What we end up with is a cheesy formulamatic werewolf movie. A sister and brother are in an accident and get bitten. As with all modern werewolf films they have a bit of fun with the increased senses, strength and sex appeal. But of course they dont like the nasty side effect of growing fur and having a burning desire to dine on human flesh. This may have also been accompanied by a desire to pee on hydrants, chase cars, sniff crotchs and hump legs, but that is purely speculation. So they try to find a way to break The Curse.
Christina Ricci and her humongous forehead star. And Rick Baker is listed as the makeup man. We always get excited when we see his name in the credits and are huge fans of his work. The critter in this movie looks pretty good, but we cant help but think the producers selected Baker’s bargain plan as the overall effects looked kinda cheap.
But hey, there’s nothing wrong with being campy, as long as the movie doesn’t take itself seriously. And I think you’ll figure out Cursed definitely embraces itself for what it is. I wont spoil it, but the werewolf nearly put me in the floor with my side splitting from laughing at one point and it was no accident. A big tip of the cap to Craven. Dont expect anything intense or for your girl to crawl up into your arms. We’re giving it 3 stars. This is far from a must-see, but there are enough moments to make this a fun movie.
By Dawns Early Light
February 21, 2005 | Leave a Comment
By Dawns Early Light is somewhat of a lost classic. It was a made for TV film from HBO and for me really marked the movie that made me really start paying attention to anything HBO produced. We now associate HBO with high quality, but at the time this was made the idea of a made for TV movie that was as good as a theatrical release was an anomoly.
Start with a strong cast. Excellent performances are turned in for this film by Powers Boothe, Rebecca De Mornay, Martin Landau and of course James Earl Jones. Jones potrayal of Alice in the Looking Glass plane is an absolute classic, one of those characters you just have to respect and love.
The film was made in 1990 just after the end of the cold war and paints a scenario that could possibly still happen today. A group launchs a nuke from a NATO country into the former Soviet Union. When it detonates the Russians automatically respond with a launch at strategic targets in the U.S. The film follows the resulting escalations and tough decisions that must be made in the face of failing communications. We follow the President, SAC, Air Force One, the Looking Glass plane and a B-52 bomber crew and experience what each goes through during the crisis.
As the USSR has fallen apart and the Cold War has thawed, today’s generation doesn’t think as much about all out nuclear war. But for those who were born before the 1980’s, this film presents a fascinating series of scenarios. It is one of those movies that will inspire discussion afterward of “what would you do” in the position of each of the characters. We give it 5 stars. And this is a very cheap DVD, if you’re a child of the cold war, this is a must see.
Miami Vice: Complete First Season
February 15, 2005 | Leave a Comment
In 1984, then NBC president Brandon Tartikoff asked for a show to be developed for the upcoming season using one concept… MTV cop show. So, televison producer Anthony Yerkovich and writer/director Micheal Mann stepped forward and pitched what is in my opinion the show of shows, and of course NBC loved the idea, greenlighted the project thus changing TV forever.
For any man born between 1950 and 1978 that has seen this show and loved it as much as we did, you can skip to the bottom. But, if you were under a rock or have never seen an episode due to coma and or political exile, I will give a brief synopsis.
The show follows the lives of 2 Miami Dade vice detectives; James ‘Sonny’ Crockett (Johnson) and his partner Ricardo Tubbs (Thomas). They pursue drug dealers, pimps, porn kings, home invaders and assorted other scum and villainy. They drive around in a “Ferrari (fake) Spyder” and wear thousand dollar suits. All in an attempt to fit the roles of deep, deep, deep undercover cops in the sleazy, neon clad Miami underworld. With the added assistance of the rest of the unit; two chicks, two slackers and Castillo (Olmos), the Lt. that never speaks above a whisper you had an awesome show.
One last tidbit. You have never seen so many up and coming stars as Miami Vice had in it’s 5 years and season one was no exception. Bail Organa, Al Bundy, John McLaine, Mike Torello, Vick Vega, Herbert Stempel, Jackie Brown and even Marsellus Wallace show up before the end of disc 3 side B. Of course that isn’t all of them, the list goes on and on but I will leave a few for you to be suprised by.
There were many TV cop dramas on TV at this time but none with the flash and depth of this one. Other shows on during this period were just that, television shows. Disposable characters doing the same thing in the same setting week in, week out… boring. Michael Mann decided to modify that concept for his show with ‘real’ music, motion picture style cinematography and editing and last but not least $$$MONEY$$$. With a cost of a little over a million dollars an episode, the show had to look like it was worth the cost and it did.
This DVD set is the perfect compliment to that style using a 5.1 dolby digital enhanced soundtrack and complete restoration of each episode to digital quality, it is perfect. I just hope it sells well enough that they keep going. One season just isn’t going to cut it for this fanatic, I have to have all five for my life to be complete.
Resident Evil: Apocolypse
February 6, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Our review of the first Resident Evil movie by far received the most negative feedback of anything we’ve written on the site. The box office and DVD sales numbers back up our assessment that the movie sucks, but the movie does apparently have a small vocal following. We just wish when they email us they wouldn’t use the word “dude” at the beginning and end of every sentence.
We’ve been awaiting this sequel with the same level of antcipation we normally reserve for root canals and colonoscopies. And unfortunately the sequel lived down to all of our expectations. In fact, it was so bad and so unoriginal that we could’ve literally cut and paste large parts of our review of the first film into this review.
Resident Evil: Apocolypse tries to pick up right where the original movie left off. The story telling is so disjointed though you might not figure that out til 15 minutes into the movie. The evil mega-conglomerate Umbrella Corporation cant resist re-opening the hive and now the virus is loose in Raccoon City and zombies are running everywhere. Milla Jovovich is back as Alice, and she’s been “enhanced”. We have a scattering of other characters who are never really introduced or built up including another hottie named Jill Valentine played by Sienna Guillory. She too is supposedly a survivor of The Hive, but we dont remember her even being in the first movie. But stop right here! If you start trying to apply logic to this movie, you’re asking for a headache. Just leave it at the door and watch ‘em shoot zombies as the director intended.
And here’s the problem. We dont mind a mindless movie. We like horror, and we like zombie movies. We’re very content to see how many creative and gruesome ways a movie can come up with to kill a zombie. We also like humor. And we like suspense that will make our dates snuggle up close under our arms and then jump and nearly pee themselves. We do NOT like it when they actually do pee themselves, but if you do, email me, I have some websites for you to visit. But I digress, the real point here is this movie has none of the above. The storyline is disjointed, we don’t care about any of the characters, and there’s no real creativity in killing of the zombies, it’s mostly just simple pistol fire. The movie really does jump around like waves of a video game.
If you liked the first one, heck, go see this one, you’ll probably like it too. For those of us who have moved out of our mom’s basement, I recommend waiting for DVD at best. We give this thing 2 stars. And we have bad news, they left it wide open for another sequel.
Saw
February 6, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Saw isn’t as good as the trailers make it look, but it’s still a pretty darn good horror flick.
The basic idea of the movie is that you’ve got two guys chained to opposite sides of a really dirty bathroom, and there’s a dead guy laying in a pool of blood in the middle of the room. Neither of them have any idea how they got there or why they would be there.
In the course of trying to find a way to escape, they begin to discover clues and we start to learn about both characters via flashbacks. We all know they have a saw and that it won’t cut through the chains, only their flesh. Is that the only possible way out? You know I can’t answer that question. In fact, there’s not much more of the story that I can really talk about safely.
The only actor you’ve likely seen before it Danny Glover, and some of the other actors aren’t quite up to par during some scenes. We know they are supposed to be expressing horror or terror in some scenes, but it sure looks like they are trying not to laugh. That’s ok though, the situations and ideas behind this movie make up for those types of shortcomings. Special effects? Eh, not so hot. There are some really cool sets, but the blood/gore factor isn’t nearly as high as we had hoped. You’re gonna have to use your imagination on some things. Lack of a budget or purposeful decision by the director? I’m going with the lack of budget argument.
One thing this movie does exceptionally well, and this is why it’s getting 4 stars instead of 3, is setting you up on who the bad guy really is. They throw out some obvious fakers, and some subtle hints on others so you think you have it all figured out. Then WHAM, nope, wasn’t that guy… what about?… WHAM… nope, not him, what about… you get the idea. Did I figure out the ending in advance? Yes, but not until right up til the end, and these days that deserves a boost in the ratings.
This one isn’t for the squeamish even though it’s not as graphic as others would like you to think. I do recommend seeing it on the big screen, and if you take a date with you you can expect lots of arm squeezing and head ducking. Come to think of it, that also might be worth another star.
Shaun of the Dead
February 6, 2005 | 2 Comments
Shaun of the Dead is a British film that is described as “a romantic comedy with zombies” and if you have seen the previews, it leads you to believe it is nothing more than a wacky satire on all zombie movies. WRONG… I am happy to burst your bubble because it is far from just a satire, at times it is side splitting hysterical and others it is NOT. If you are looking for pure satire rent a Wayans Brothers movie or something from Zucker/Abrahams and skip this one but… If you have an open mind and you are looking for a cool movie that offers almost all (sadly, no T&A) aspects of the guy movie criteria, be in the theatre early and settle in for an awesome movie going experience. If you are still reading that means you aren’t the average nimrod and, you want more info, so here ya go.
Ok enough shilling, onto the story. Shaun (Simon Pegg) lives with his two flat mates (room mates for us Yanks) in a little house in the middle of ordinary neighborhood UK . One is a white collar monkey that takes himself too seriously named Pete (Peter Serafinowicz) and the other is a fat tub of goo named Ed (Nick Frost). Well, actually it is one flat mate and a freeloader but who’s keeping score. Anywhoo, Shaun heads out to work where we get to meet his step dad Philip (Bill Nighy) when he drops in to remind Shaun that today is Mom’s birthday and he needs to come by or at least call her. Based on the expression on both of their faces we discover there is very little love lost between them and the only link they have is dear old Mom… Stay with me, it will all make since later on, I promise.
Shaun orders flowers for Mommie Dearest and as he is he thumbing through the phone book his eye glances at the restaurant section and he realizes that he forgot (who hasn’t) that his three year anniversary to Liz (Kate Ashfield) is also tonight. Uh Oh… Shaun has a problem. What to do, what to do? I’ll tell you what he does. He does what any man in his position would do. Give his Mom’s flowers to his girlfriend and take her to the pub they go to every single night and beg forgiveness. Yeah, he shoots he scores. Not exactly, because she is a WOMAN and she also does what any woman in her position would do… she dumps him. One word… Ho.
Depressed he and Ed go back to the pub and toss back a few pints where Ed does the single best ‘Clyde’ impression you have ever seen on film and then drink some more. The bar closes so they go back to the flat to pass out and all hell breaks loose… literally. Shaun and Ed wake up and turn on the telli (TV) and all they see on every channel is newscasts about the little boggle going on outside but since they are distracted by the need to drink tea and play first person shooters they ignore it. They share some great laughs regarding the tea until Ed sees a girl hanging out in the back yard. Ed and Shaun go out to investigate, one thing leads to another, chickie attacks Shaun, Shaun pushes the chickie and she falls on a big jagged pipe sticking out of the yard. Is there any other kind in your backyard? Dead chick ‘A’ pries herself off the pipe and they freak, (who wouldn’t) and they know now that all is not right in the Queen’s Kingdom. They go to get weapons to fight off the rotting intruder when another undead passerby joins in and that’s when the real fun begins. Shaun with his trusty Cricket (gay british baseball) bat and Ed with a spade (baby shovel) bust up a couple of gooheads and go back inside to plan their next move.
I will stop here but I insist you go out and see this movie opening weekend because it is the perfect blend of Guy entertainment. If you are a fan of gory zombie flicks, go… If you like dark comedy, go and although you probably have never seen anything the director Edgar Wright has done in the past, there are only a couple of people that can do the zombie thing… Wright is one of them. Do not think for yourself, you might get hurt. Just trust in JC and go anyway.
Big props to George Romero because he is the KING of Zombie movies and although he has no direct involvement with this one, he does endorse it and as far as we were concerned that was enough to get us in the door (that and the advanced screener). You read a lot of taglines and hear way too many teaser ads that describe a movie as an instant hit or cult classic and almost every one them doesn’t come close to holding up… this one does.
Hellboy
February 6, 2005 | 1 Comment
Hellboy is a movie we’ve been looking forward to since we first heard about it. It’s directed by Guillermo Del Toro who proved he can do comic book action in Blade II. And he’s reunited with Ron Perlman who is no stranger to working in elaborate make up and costume. All the ingredients for a comic book action classic are in place, and they delivered!
Near the end of World War II, a desperate Hitler is experimenting with the paranormal. To counter it, Roosevelt forms the ultra top secret Bureau of Paranormal Research and Development. I wont spoil Hellboy’s origins, but fast forward to present day and we find the Bureau still active with Hellboy as it’s star player. He is joined by a fish like creature named Abe. Hellboy is 7 foot tall, red, has a a tail, stone fist and horns , and is often called “Red”. He provides the brawn while Abe provides the brains. Oh yeah, it should be noted that Hellboy likes to file down his horns to try to “fit in”. And that’s just scratching the surface of Red’s issues. Oh, and by the way, those pesky Nazis are still trying to take over the world unbeknownst to most of us.
I know nothing about the Hellboy comic, but in the movie universe he’s almost the stereotypical comic book hero. He is one tough powerful mother who can shake off just about any beating he receives just by cracking his neck. However, during down time when he’s not pounding monsters into oblivion he’s a mess, stressing out over trying to fit in as a regular person despite being, well, 7 foot tall and red for starters. When it’s time to go work, he’s right at home and has some classic one line wise cracks as any action hero should.
Hellboy is a lot of fun and delivers exactly what it promises. It feels like a comic book, and although the action is non-stop we get a great sense for the characters and what makes each of them tick. The movie is like some sort of weird mix of Xmen, Men In Black with a dash of LXG thrown in for good measure. And it works. We’re giving it a strong 4 stars, and this is a movie that makes me wish we had half star ratings so I could give it 4.5. It doesn’t quite reach a 5, but this is the type of movie that the MfG crew may debate about whether we should’ve given that 5th star for at least a few weeks especially if does well. Either way, you’ll wanna see this movie.
The Incredibles
February 6, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Over the weekend I watched Shrek 2 for the first time, then I went to see The Incredibles… which suddenly didn’t seem so incredible.
It’s not that The Incredibles is a bad movie, far from it, it just didn’t live up to its potential in any meaningful way. This is ironic considering one of the moral tidbits you’re supposed to gleam from the movie is that you should strive to be true to yourself, and be your best. The biggest problem with the movie is that it’s a bit slow. OK, it’s more than a bit slow, it takes over 40 minutes for the movie to really do ANYTHING past the opening action sequence. For a movie theater crowded with kids, this was bad, very very bad.
The basic plot of the film is that superheroes were driven out of public life by lawsuits and public outcry over the destruction of property. Obviously the heroes should have just killed the lawyers, but I guess that wouldn’t work so well in a kids movie. Anyway, they’ve now all been given new identities and work in “normal” jobs. Here’s where the movie drags so much as we have to see Bob (Mr. Incredible) work in his crappy cubicle doing insurance adjustment. I mean come on, we got the idea from the trailers, 30 seconds is enough for us, lets get to the action! No no, let’s not rush things.
So, Bob goes on about his daily life until finally he gets a mysterious message and finds himself saving the world once again! Hooray! He doesn’t tell his family about any of this though as he doesn’t think they’d understand. Instead, he keeps it a secret but Helen st art s to notice physical changes in him and eventually gets suspicious.
Speaking of the family, seems they are all superheroes. Helen is actually Elastagirl who you can guess, is rather flexible. Just think about that for a moment. A moment longer. OK, they have 3 kids as well, Dash (super speedy) Violet (can become invisible and create force fields) and Jack Jack, who is just a baby and has no powers. After an hour goes by we finally get to see them all get strut their stuff, and at this point the movie rocks. Heck, if I’d walked into the movie at this point I would have easily given it 5 stars.
The movie does have some good laughs at the expense of other hero movies, and has some genuinely funny situations in it. I do think its worth seeing, but unless you can catch it very late in the evening or early in the day during the week, prepare yourself for an onslaught of kids talking, scream, pushing, shoving, throwing, crying and moving around during the show. Hard to complain too much about this, it is a kids movie after all. Just be prepared and make sure you are in the correct mindset before buying your ticket.
It almost earns a forth star, so very close. But it’s just not quite that good to me. Maybe it’ll earn another star when it hit DVD and I can watch it in peace.
Collateral
February 6, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Collateral is an all-night thrill ride across LA through the eyes of two different men for two very different reasons. One is a cabbie named Max (Jamie Foxx). He dreams of a better life for himself, one where he can trade in his old yellow taxi for a nice sleek new Mercedes limo with spinning rims (they’s spinnin, they’s spinnn’!), quit his job and work for himself. The other is a professional contract killer who calls himself Vincent played by a gray haired Tom Cruise (WTF?).
The story starts out with a friendly cab ride where Max, picks up an overworked D.A. named Annie (Jada Smith) at the airport and drives her downtown. They share a little friendly conversation, he gives her a picture and she hits him with them digits (yeaaahhh). She gets out and heads up stairs to prepare for a big indictment she has the following morning, and just as she exits the cab Vincent climbs in. Max’s life is about to get very interesting. Vince tells Max he’s in Real Estate and he just needs to make 5 stops, to visit some clients and get a few papers signed, and he needs Max to drive him. He offers to pay Max $600.00 for the night and an extra $100.00 if he gets him to LAX by 6:00 AM . Max agrees reluctantly and voila, Yust like that his adventure begins.
When they get to the first stop Max pulls into an alley and waits for Vincent to do his biz and come back down������..BAM, a fatman falls out the sky and lands on his hood and from here on out Max’s night never gets any better. It is at this point our cabbie finds out Vincent is really a cold blooded hitman and his stops are actually marks (squealers, song birds, canaries, stool pigeons), and whether Max wants to keep driving or not this fare is far from over and Vincent is going to finish this job���.etc,etc,etc. If you want more go to the theatre ASAP and see it. You won’t be disappointed.
Now for the technical details, Michael Mann shows us a side of LA most people will never see and he does it with absolute brilliance. The film is shot almost 95% at night and with the help of Dion Beebe and Paul (no relation to James) Cameron’s cinematography the images are amazing. The streets of LA look almost lifelike on screen and with the occasional filtered starburst shot mixed in at precisely the right time he makes it seem like the city is almost standing still (except for the crackheads, muggers and Ho’s).
If you were a fan of Miami Vice, Heat (Awesome F’N movie) or Manhunter you know Mann’s films are always accentuated with a great score and this film stays that path. The music fits every scene almost as though it came first and the scene s were shot to fit as an after thought. You get a solid mix of music al styles for each mood in the film, Jazz, Hip-Hop, Techno and even a kickin’ tune by Paul Oakenfold along with a pretty good original score for the slow parts.
As for the acting, Cruise and Foxx are excellent in this picture and although I think Jamie Foxx is a pretty good actor in certain roles, I think Tom Cruise is the best actor in Hollywood and he didn’t disappoint with his character at all. In my opinion (no one else’s matters anyway) Tom Cruise made a major turning point in his career with this movie and I hope he keeps going. All of the big stars flip sides sooner or later to see if they can play the antagonist as well as they have the hero most of their careers and IMNHO Cruise did it better than any of them. Bruce Willis was good in The Jackal. Tom Hanks turned it up a notch in Road to perdition but Cruise leaves both of them in his dust with his portrayal of Vincent. The combination of an excellent villain, Michael Mann’s direction and a great soundtrack get this flick 5 MFG stars.
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Gun Play
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