A-Team: Season 2
April 29, 2005 | Leave a Comment
The theme song is probably the most famous theme of the entire 1980’s and the action was non-stop with at least one explosion every 10 minutes, woohoo! Was it great TV? Darn right it was and it still is today and I pity the fool that tries to argue that point.
I will not be giving a synopsis of this show and if you need one your on the wrong site. As I have said more than once in my teachings, there are a handful of shows that do not need introduction for our readers, they just need to know if the quality of the picture and sound is decent and if there are extras included and that is it. This is one of those for sure… Fool!
The first season was one of the most watched new shows in NBC history and Season 2 although not nearly the ratings success of the first year; This season was better than the first. They lose an Amy (Triple A) but gain a Cylon (love that shot) in the credits that is, and the episodes were awesome. This review has taken me a bit longer to write then I thought it would because I kept watching episode after episode when I should have watched most and written my review so you folks you get to buyin’ but, they were just too good to stop at four or five. So I will just give a few highlights and let you go shopping.
Best episode of this season was; ‘When You Comin’ Back, Range Rider?’. A 2 hour western episode about horse rustlers. It stars Perkins from the old BJ and Lobo days and there is much action to be had by all. You can also look forward to ‘The White Ballot’ starring Clifton James AKA-Sheriff JW Pepper of Live and Let Die fame and ‘Taxi Cab Wars’ with co-starring roles for second fiddle extraordinaire Michael Ironsides and Ernie Hudson.
There are many more but that should be enough to get you to click the link and add this piece of TV history to your DVD case. Get to clicking!!!
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and you can find them maybe you can hire… the A-Team. Or, at the very least buy Season 2 on DVD.
Primer
April 29, 2005 | Leave a Comment
This movie is a bit of a morality tale with a heavy scientific hand, weighty on dialog, light on action that shows us what ‘we’ would do if we could have anything and do anything with no fear of consequence or repercussion. Does that sound cool to you? It didn’t to me but since I was feeling adventurous I decided to give it a shot.
Set mainly in a hotel room, garage, kitchen and storage locker with only 2 characters worth mentioning, this would be about as far off the mark for MFG as you can get but it kept me watching from beginning to end. I think I only looked at my clock twice in 77 minutes. Not too bad considering no one gets shot/stabbed/bludgeoned/electrocuted, gets laid or blows anything up. The main characters of Aaron (Shane Carruth) and Abe (David Sullivan) are wannabe Bill Gates’ that build stuff in their garage to make extra cash and try to invent the the next Brock Lesner along the way. They talk about a bunch of potential ideas and in a blink we have this funky box thing to look at. They show me what it does but never tell me what it is for almost half of the movie, now usually that would be enough to yank this puppy and watch more Miami Vice but against my better judgment I stuck it out some more. Turns out it was worth it.
The function and description of the ‘box’ is the whole focus of this movie so I will quit here and just tell you to rent it or add it to your Netflix queue and see for yourself. Having been made by the writer/producer/director/star Carruth on a shoestring budget of about 7 grand and with zero special effects this VERY SCIENCE, sci-fi movie is pretty cool. I have heard some compare it to Memento and Usual Suspects in the sense that you get more out of it the second viewing… I think those people’s benches are too close to the bus terminal and they have inhaled too much transportation residue. One viewing will do it so don’t buy it. If you pay close attention you will get everything it has to offer the first go around with no questions unanswered… That is, no question the filmmaker doesn’t want left unanswered?
Although I can be far from classified as the ‘artsy’, indy film fan of the group, that would be Chris (weirdo), I liked this one. I liked it, I didn’t love it. I understood it and at times I would even say I was intrigued by the scientific principles involved but for me, I prefer T2 or Back to the Future and I could take this one or leave it if I was forced to watch it again.
XXX: State of the Union
April 29, 2005 | Leave a Comment
XXX:State of the Union is either a 1 star movie that earns an extra star for the action, or a 3 star movie that loses a star for being so utterly unbelievable. Either way, it’s a 2 star movie.
The movie starts off at a horse farm in Virginia, which we quickly discover is actually the home base for the XXX project, complete with xXx logos and everything. We learn it’s the secret base because it’s under attack! GASP! On top of that, the technology they are using to do the attack is “10-years beyond anything NSA has”, yet the resident geek is able to glance at some hardware and not only say what it does, but give technical specs on it. The realism just goes downhill from here.
During the battle we learn that Xander has been killed in Bora Bora and we’re gonna need a new xXx to save the day. GASP! We’re gonna have to go “off the grid” and get someone tougher than Xander… that someone is… Ice Cube! Yes, that cuddly once-upon-a-time badboy has been chosen to be the guy more “hardcore” than Vin Diesel. Right.
Darius Stone (Ice Cube) has been in prison for the last 9 years (gives him that nice hardcore attitude) for disobeying an order while he was in the Navy as a Seal (gotta establish the skills). Once he’s broken out of prison by jumping off a roof and DOWN to catch the rung of a helicopter, he eats a hamburger and fries and is ready to kick some ass. At this point I kinda like the new xXx, he’s got his priorities right.
The next thing to establish is street cred, so when the new team needs a place to lay low for a few days, it’s back to the hood they go where some young bodyguard types at a chop shop just pop the door right open for Darius without even asking who he is. That’s how much cred he’s got, kids that would be too young to know him just KNOW he’s the man.
Oh, there’s a bit of romance for the new xXx as well, and it’s just as lame and forced as the 50+ one-liners they came up with for Ice Cube to say. Lame and forced, that pretty much sums up the movie along with stupid and unbelievable. Being that I like action oriented guy movies I’m used to having to turn my brain off at the door of the theater, but this movie asks for too much in that regard. A tank battle in the hold of an aircraft carrier while Darius and some other guy exchange one-liners on the radio? What do you think would happen if a car ran off the highway at 160mph and hit some railroad tracks? It would flip over and explode of course, but not if xXx is driving!
I could go on and on, but what’s the point? The acting is passable at best and the story is a joke. However, there are some cool gadgets (and the geek can make a hand weapon out of a rocket in less than an hour, and not even get dirty!) and lots of things explode. In the final tally this really is a 1 star movie that gets that extra star just for the action, and it barely got that.
Vamps 2: Blood Sisters
April 28, 2005 | Leave a Comment
First, go read my review for Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls.
Done? Then I’m glad to tell you that Vamps 2: Blood Sisters is a sequel in the same league as The Empire Strikes Back and X2. It surpasses the original movie in almost every way. There’s more blood. There’s more strippers. And… that’s about it. After all, more blood and more strippers is all this movie needed to be better than Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls.
Actually, that’s not all. Vamps 2 has two more things going for it that Vamps did not: Glori-Ann Gilbert’s enormous 38DD breasts.
Ms. Gilbert plays Heather, the stripper from the first movie. You may remember from my other review that the always-clothed Jennifer Russ originated the role of Heather. Since Ms. Russ did not reprise the character in Vamps 2, I am led to believe that the filmmakers were pissed at Ms. Russ for not getting nekkid, so they didn’t call her back for the sequel.
Heather is an important part of the Vamps saga, and they couldn’t just kill off the character. So the writers came up with a great solution: vampires can shape-shift. So Heather shape-shifts herself into the curvaceous Glori-Ann Gilbert. (I guess I just spoiled Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls. Heather goes from being a stripper to a vampire stripper. Sorry to ruin the surprise.)
I’m really impressed that the filmmakers made the casting change part of the story. Remember Lt. Saavik from Star Trek II? She was played by Kirstie Alley, the chick who replaced Diane on Cheers. Well, in Star Trek III, Lt. Saavik was played by Robin Curtis, who looks nothing like a fat Scientologist. And I don’t remember anything about Vulcan shape-shifting or any other Trek crap to explain the change.
Hey Trekkie losers, Star Trek sucked way before Rick Berman took the reins! He didn’t ruin anything because the franchise was already in shambles!
Sorry about that. Let’s talk about something pleasant and excellent, like Ms. Glori-Ann Gilbert. She had plenty of talking to do in this movie, and she’s not quite leading actress material. Not yet, anyway. I hate to say it, but Jennifer Russ was a better leading lady. However, I do give credit to Ms. Gilbert for working hard and still managing to turn in a very believable performance.
You see, unlike Ms. Russ, Ms. Gilbert appears to be a student of method acting. If she were playing a Southern belle, my guess is Ms. Gilbert would spend some time in the South learning a Southern accent and researching the lives of actual Southern women. If she were preparing to play an ass-kicking martial artist, Ms. Gilbert might travel to China or Japan or one of those Ninja countries where she could learn Kung Fu and sword-fighting and how to eat with chopsticks.
So how do I know Ms. Gilbert is a method actor? Because she obviously did her research in order to become a very convincing stripper in Vamps 2: Blood Sisters. I know she can’t possibly have ever been a stripper in real life, especially not with those fake 38DD’s, but she sure danced like one. I was equally impressed that she appeared topless in almost half of her scenes. Ms. Gilbert successfully studied the subtleties of accurately portraying a stripper on screen, and I applaud her for that.
Vamps 2 is a basic revenge story. The twin sister of one of the vampire strippers who got killed in the first movie (Amber Newman) wants to kill those responsible for her sister’s death. Seamus has left the Church and manages Vamps along with Heather, and lucky Larry is employed as the club’s DJ/MC. Needless to say, he loves his job.
I only have one minor complaint about Vamps 2: it tries to establish a mythology. There’s some prophecy about a vampire who gives birth to a human, blah, blah, blah. If I wanted vampire mythology, I’d watch the far superior Joss Whedon television shows.
The one thing Joss Whedon doesn’t have in his shows is vampire strippers. Sure, there were some vampire prostitutes on Buffy that Riley got hooked in with, but that’s it. No vampire strippers, and that’s where Vamps 2 should be focusing its energy.
Another thing: the first Vamps movie had a very fun vibe to it. I almost felt like I was hanging out at Vamps with Larry and Seamus. Vamps 2 isn’t too serious, but it lost that fun vibe.
Overall, I declare Vamps 2: Blood Sisters to be the greatest vampire stripper movie of all time. Luckily, the ending was left wide open for another sequel, so I’ll cross my fingers and hope this saga continues.
Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls
April 28, 2005 | Leave a Comment
(NOTE: This movie is also available in its entirety on the VAMPS 2: BLOOD SISTERS 2-Disc DVD set. That’s twice the vampire stripper action for the price of one!)
The “Vampire Stripper” genre is a tough one to screw up. Hot nekkid women who dance on stage and then kill people by drinking their blood. You don’t even need a story!
But somehow, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino managed to screw this genre up with From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. If you haven’t seen FDTD, it’s the Gigli of vampire stripper movies. I guess Frank Miller’s presence on the set of Sin City kept these two nimrods from screwing that up. (Of course, I haven’t seen Sin City yet, so maybe they did screw it up!)
Enough about lesser filmmakers and their lesser films. I’m here to tell you how you can scientifically test whether or not you’re watching a good vampire stripper movie: mute the sound. If the movie holds your attention (be it T&A or sex or gore or violence or all of the above), then you’ve got a winner.
And Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls is definitely a winner. While it’s not the best vampire stripper movie I’ve ever seen - that honor goes to its sequel, Vamps 2 - Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls is an almost perfect blend of horror, comedy, action and nekkid women.
The movie has two storylines that ultimately converge. A priest, Seamus, has a birthday coming up, and his buddy Larry wants to take him to a strip club called Vamps. (Suspension of disbelief is very important here.) Meanwhile, a hot young girl named Heather needs to make some extra money, so she applies for a dancing job at Vamps. If you haven’t guessed by now, Vamps is run by… VAMPIRE STRIPPERS!
Seamus recognizes Heather from high school, and the two of them become fast friends. And their love story becomes a tragedy of Romeo & Juliet proportions. The rest of the movie is about vampires and girls getting nekkid.
Seamus (Paul Morris) is serviceable as the priest. Now, I didn’t buy for a minute that he was a priest, but his acting was good enough.
Rob Calvert was perfect as the loser friend. We all knew this guy in high school. He had intimate knowledge of pornography but had never kissed a girl. He was overweight, but somehow thought long hair and a goatee would disguise the fact that he was a fat slob. (Come to think of it, I still know this guy.) Anyway, Rob plays the character perfectly, and has some really funny one-liners.
Jenny Wallace and Amber Newman round out the cast as vampire strippers who run Vamps. They get nekkid a lot.
So far Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls sounds like a masterpiece. So why did I only give it three stars? Well, my main beef with this movie lies with Jennifer Huss, who plays Heather. Jennifer Huss is pretty hot. She’s got the girl-next-door thing going on, and I really was looking forward to seeing her get nekkid.
But Ms. Huss had another agenda. I’m guessing that when the filmmakers cast her, they intended for her to do at least ONE nude scene. After all, it’s a movie about vampire strippers, and Ms. Huss is the lead actress, who happens be a dancer at a strip club. As an audience member, I might expect her character to get nekkid at least once.
Nope. The closest we get is Ms. Huss on stage, hands covering her breasts. Thief! Baggins!
I’m pretty sure I know what happened. The filmmakers were several days (or weeks) into production, and they had plenty of footage of Ms. Huss acting with her clothes on. It came time to shoot the big strip scene, and Ms. Huss refused to show her boobs. The filmmakers were screwed because they couldn’t go back and reshoot all the other scenes with a different actress. So we’re left with a vampire stripper movie where the lead actress does not fully strip.
Good God, what is this world coming to?
Filmmakers, here’s how you fix the problem. You get all the nekkid scenes out of the way on the first day or two. That way, if the actress objects, you can re-cast (or have an understudy already on the set) and keep moving along with the production. And your audience will be happy because of it. (I totally stole this bit of advice from Lloyd Kaufman’s excellent book, Make Your Own Damn Movie!.)
Other than the always-clothed Ms. Huss, Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls is an excellent way to spend ninety minutes. And its way cheaper than going to a real strip club.
Bite Me!
April 22, 2005 | Leave a Comment
If you’re looking for an intelligent film about mutant bugs from South America, this is not your movie. Go watch the National Geographic channel.
But if you’re seeking a B-movie that actually delivers what the box promises, then Bite Me! is the DVD you need to get!
The movie kicks off with a drug deal that goes somewhat bad. One car crash later, the movie quickly cuts to a very naked Misty Mundae, who is dancing onstage at the Go-Go-Saurus strip club. Money is getting tight for the owner, and he’s in danger of losing the club to his dead partner’s uptight widow (played by Julian Wells). He hopes the crate of marijuana that he just received will deliver him from his money woes.
He hides the crate of weed in the basement. But as it turns out, the weed is full of mutant spider bug who quickly infest the club. One of them bites the hot female bartender, and she becomes a lesbian sex-crazed maniac who tries to make out with the strippers. Julian Wells gets bitten by a bug, and she hits the catwalk and gets naked, much to the delight of the patrons. Then she makes out with the bartender.
But that’s all the lesbian sex you’ll get in this Shock-O-Rama release. The movie focuses more on the horror and comedy aspects of the story, and Bite Me! is a very fun ride. The spider bugs are stop-motion animation, which I thought was fun in small doses. But after awhile, I started to wish they were CGI. Hollywood has ruined me for low-budget effects.
There’s really not a whole lot more to say without giving the entire movie away. Bite Me! has something for everyone: strippers, mutant bugs, violence, strippers, blood, car wrecks, marijuana, strippers and lots and lots of laughs. This is a classic B-movie with all the fixins. Bite into it!
Reconciled Through the Christ
April 22, 2005 | Leave a Comment
I like the theory behind this movie. Writer-Director Tim Ritter made a faith-based independent movie, but he made it gritty enough to attract the very lost souls who need to see it the most.
The trap with these types of movies is that it’s much easier to preach to the converted than it is to create something intelligent enough that reaches out to the people you are trying to convert. How many people converted to Christianity after seeing Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ? How many people voted against George W. Bush after seeing Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11? Few, if any. But Christians and Liberals loved their respective movies, and showed up in droves at the box office to support them. Of course, it helped that Gibson and Moore told their followers that “Hollywood” didn’t want to release their movies because the subject matter was too controversial.
Unfortunately, Reconciled Through the Christ falls into this same trap. The basic story is interesting enough. Franklin (Ron A. Blair) is estranged from his wife and under investigation at work. So he gets drunk and decides to kill his wife. He packs a suitcase with a gun and some other supplies and heads off to his mother-in-law’s house, where his wife is staying.
He picks up a hitchhiker, and soon discovers she’s running away from her husband. He pulls over and decides to kill her. In one of the more ridiculous scenes in the movie, the hitchhiker gets away on foot and Franklin (who weighs at least 300 pounds - none of it muscle) chases her and somehow catches her. Maybe if she tripped and hurt herself or something, I might have bought it. But she just stopped and waited for him. Unbelievable.
Anyway, right before Franklin cuts her with his knife, Preacher Dave shows up and asks him for a lift. They leave the hitchhiker stranded in the woods and take off in Franklin’s car. Preacher Dave starts delivering a sermon that will continue through the rest of the movie. Franklin gets tired of listening to it, and dips into his suitcase of goodies to rid himself of Preacher Dave. And I’ll stop right there.
This is obviously much darker than your average Christian movie, and I think at the core the story works pretty well. Especially since the filmmaker is trying to get the message of Christianity across to an audience who is definitely interested in watching a fat man who attempts to kill a preacher five different ways in ninety minutes.
Unfortunately, Ritter is way too heavy-handed with his approach. Franklin has plenty of objections to accepting the Christian faith, but all of them are what I’d expect: slow-pitch softballs that Preacher Dave easily hits out of the park.
I was so tired of the Christian rhetoric that I didn’t care by time the story reached its “surprise” ending (which I liked better the first time I saw it in Fight Club). I’m sure Christians everywhere will love this movie and it will be one of the top-selling independent DVDs of all time, but is that really the goal? To preach to the converted?
The sound and lighting in this movie are awful. The score is monotonous. And there is a flying “dragon” effect in a dream sequence that is laughable only because the guy running from it seems genuinely frightened.
I was going to excuse all that because I figured this movie was made by a young guy who was just learning how to make films. I was even going to give Reconciled Through the Christ three stars.
But after doing an IMDB search on Tim Ritter, I discovered that he’s been writing, directing and producing features since 1984. Knowing that, there is absolutely no excuse for the shoddy production values in this movie. Someone who has been doing this for twenty years should know better. This movie costs $20.00 to buy, same as any other movie on the shelf with decent production values.
If you’re not a Christian who enjoys backyard movies about your faith, you will probably want to steer clear of this one.
Magnum PI: Complete Second Season
April 17, 2005 | Leave a Comment
I want to start this review by pointing out unequivocally that straight people like this show too, so get your little filthy minds out of the gutter right now so I can get down to it! The 70’s crumb catcher mustache and constantly exposed hairy chest aside, this show was quite good and from time to time was worthy of the Emmy’s and Golden Globe’s it won. The show had very solid acting from Selleck and Hillerman as well as excellent chemistry between Manetti and Mosely to create a pretty darn good 80’s crime drama. So, without further doo-doo let’s discuss Season part deux of this puppy.
Having had the luxury of being considered a critical and pop culture phenom in 1980, this show got to do what all good shows do the second season and stretch out into unknown territory to try and be the next big thing and crush all similar opposition. Season 2 of Magnum was just that with the cool stories and unexpected twists.
This season had a few really awesome episodes and just like most shows a few stinkers too but the good ones well out weighed the poo stinkers. The best of the best had to be a 2 parter that ran during November sweeps called; Memories are Forever: Magnum thinks he sees a woman he married during the Vietnam war and was reported killed during a bombing shortly thereafter. Really good episode worth the price of the set by itself. Other good ones include ‘The Ghost Writer’, ‘Italian Ice’ (which co-starred a really hot Mimi Rogers), One More Summer’ with Dick Butkus and Mr. Miyagi and ‘The Elmo Ziller Story’. All of those are really good and there are a few right up there I didn’t mention but are worth your time. Just do yourself a favor and try and ignore ‘Try to Remember’, it is a cliched amnesia episode and sucks arse. All amnesia episodes of every show suck! Remember that!
I was very young when this season aired the first time but I did get to see a few re-runs on cable when I was growing up and having already become a huge fan of the show I was determined to see them all and thanks to Universal home DVD I can. Two down, Five and a half to go.
Suburban Nightmare
April 13, 2005 | Leave a Comment
After reviewing so many light-hearted horror-comedies over the past few weeks, I was in the mood to see something dark and twisted. Suburban Nightmare proved to be both dark and twisted, and still managed to be an excellent piece of filmmaking.
I was a little hesitant going in, since Trent Haaga is the lead male actor. Haaga is best known for his acting work with Troma, and from seeing that he tends to be over-the-top and even grating at times. However, after reading the portions that he wrote in Lloyd Kaufman’s book Make Your Own Damn Movie!, I really took a liking to the guy. He seems to be one of the few people in the business who genuinely love making movies, both in front of and behind the camera. And I was pleased to see a very different side of Trent Haaga in Suburban Nightmare. It turns out that he can actually act!
Haaga and Brandy Little star as a married couple in suburbia. They have a long history together, which they talk about during intimate flashbacks. They have a beautiful daughter, who is in bed with a cold. And of course they have plenty of arguments, like so many other married couples. Oh, and they’re serial killers.
Unlike Mickey and Mallory Knox, this couple’s passion lies not in each other, but in the killing. Their basement doubles as a torture room, and they have a “pet” chained up down there. (The “pet” would look pretty hot if she wasn’t dirty and covered in bruises.) When there are dead bodies laying around, they both know the procedure: handsaws and plastic. There are even a few goodies in their freezer.
But while they love the killing, they discover that they’ve lost their love for one another. And what happens when two serial killers fall out of love with one another? Watch and see!
Suburban Nightmare isn’t the gore fest that you might think. But it is filled with disturbing dialogue about the couple’s past deeds, which sometimes proves to be worse than actually seeing the deeds themselves.
Everything looks and sounds great for a low-budget movie, and I was even more impressed after watching some of the featurettes. Suburban Nightmare was shot in nine days!! Mulva 2 babe Debbie Rochon, who wrote the story, was originally supposed to play the lead opposite Haaga. She had to cancel for health reasons before the shoot, and Brandy Little stepped into the role at the last minute. Her performance isn’t quite as strong as Haaga’s, but it was very impressive considering she probably had less time to prepare.
Suburban Nightmare is one of the best low-budget movies I’ve ever seen, both artistically and technically. I highly recommend it to intelligent horror fans.
Inbred Redneck Alien Abduction
April 12, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Inbred Redneck Alien Abduction does such a good job of portraying rural Southerners that it feels like a documentary at times. Seriously.
The action starts with a guy and a girl getting it on in a car. Instant T&A points!! A spaceship appears and kidnaps the girl, replacing her with a blow-up sex doll. Before running for help, the guy decides to spend a few quality moments with the doll. As good as that sounds, the movie gets even better after that.
Two Federal agents are dispatched from Washington to investigate the girl’s disappearance. They arrive in Arkansas and meet the Zeeka clan, who know all about the “colored folk” who’ve been bothering them. As the Feds soon learn, them colored folk is ALIENS!!
IRAA is exactly what you’d expect: stupid, disgusting and funny as hell. Sure, it has its faults: there are several jokes that fall flat; the acting ranges from decent to downright pathetic; and the quality of the audio and video isn’t very good.
On the positive side: the costuming is unusually good for a low-budget movie; the spaceship set and alien heads are designed to be intentionally cheesy, and they look great; and I laughed out loud. A lot.
As you can see from the ratings on the right, IRAA scored a “5″ or better in each of the Vital Stats. This means your old lady won’t be too excited about seeing this one.
The only thing that kept me from giving this movie five stars was that it was a little too long. It dragged a bit in the middle, especially with some of the Federal agent scenes. Fortunately, the Rednecks and the Aliens shine as the true stars of this movie.
I love truth in advertising.
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