Razorteeth
May 30, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Razorteeth is a brand new piranha movie that’s been released just in time for the summer season. People pull out the old swimming trunks from the bottom of their closets and head down to their local beach, lake or public pool. They don’t see a shark fin circling so they think it’s safe to swim. Then all of a sudden… PIRANHA ATTACK!!
The filmmakers went with an X-Files/Government Conspiracy angle, and I thought it worked pretty well. At a top secret location outside the country, the U.S. government has created a Super-Piranha. While transporting some specimens of this Super-Piranha, the plane goes down in a small lake resort community. The specimens get loose in the lake, and after that happens you can kiss your appy vacation goodbye.
What makes these piranha so Super, you ask? After all, standard piranhas are pretty incredible little flesh-eaters all by themselves. But the standard piranha doesn’t swim across a huge lake at lightening speed. The standard piranha doesn’t fly out of the water and attack a human on land holding a stick of dynamite. And most importantly, the standard piranha never wins a game of tug-of-war with a pick-up truck. A Super-Piranha, however, has none of these limitations.
The main story is about an up-and-coming government agent who gets sent to retrieve the specimens and kill anyone who learns about the Super-Piranha. But that story wasn’t nearly as fun as the unrelated scenes with Super-Piranha feasting on unknowing swimmers. Fortunately, there are many scenes like this, the funniest being the one where some Super-Piranha secretly chase a fisherman to his outhouse. Hilarity ensues when he sits down for his afternoon constitutional.
Overall, this movie was a lot of fun. In fact, Razorteeth would have been a perfect five stars if there had been some decent T&A. Hopefully the filmmakers learned their lesson and will correct that deficiency in the future. The ending was left wide open for a sequel, so hopefully the Razorteeth saga will continue.
Lust Connection
May 27, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Before I wrote this review, I had to figure out a quick math problem. I remembered writing in my review for Vamps 2: Blood Sisters about the TWO big reasons I liked Glori-Anne Gilbert’s performance. But I enjoyed her performance twice as much in Lust Connection, and I couldn’t figure out why. I finally realized why there was a discrepancy. Ms. Gilbert plays two different characters in Lust Connection, and both of them get naked a lot. So I actually had FOUR big reasons to smile. Problem solved.
I don’t always enjoy erotic thrillers. Most of the time they leave me disappointed. There’s too much focus on the erotic scenes, and not enough on the actual “thriller” part of the story. I was somewhat shocked when Lust Connection actually delivered a watchable story to accompany the eroticism!
Lust Connection is all about Rick Taylor (Harper), an internet millionaire whose incredibly hot wife Susan (Gilbert with blonde hair) is found dead in a hot tub. When he becomes the prime suspect in the murder case, he confesses to the detective that he had been having affairs with women he met on the internet. Rick has a series of flashbacks to these various encounters, trying to find the woman who might have murdered his wife. Susan’s twin sister, Jenny (Gilbert with dark hair), shows up to offer support to Rick.
More than anything, this story is about Rick Taylor being the luckiest man alive. Not only does he find plenty of women on the internet willing to meet him for illicit sex, but they are all knockouts! One of them is played by porn superstar Chasey Lain, who is the subject of my favorite song by The Bloodhound Gang.
Most of the time these erotic thrillers have to settle for whatever skank actresses they can find to take their clothes off. But the producers of Lust Connection found some mighty fine women for Rick, which is the type of role I need to be auditioning for more often.
The DVD includes an extra feature film titled Night Vamps, which unfortunately has nothing to do with Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls or Vamps 2: Blood Sisters. It stars Glori-Anne Gilbert and three other actresses. The plot for Night Vamps is spread out over four segments, each one involving an actress stripping for a camcorder. I hit the fast-forward button through the first three segments, but the final segment with Gilbert is worth watching.
Seduction Cinema is releasing three more movies from the producers of Lust Connection later this year. I’m really looking forward to the one titled The House on Hooter Hill. I’m ready to give that one five stars for the name alone.
Don’t bother adding Lust Connection to your Netflix queue. Go ahead and buy it. You won’t be disappointed.
Misty’s Secret
May 25, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Misty’s Secret is available for the first time ever on limited-edition DVD. (They’re numbered - order yours now!). The movie features a very young Misty Mundae and her adventures in the bathtub with Tina Krause. That scene represents a good half of the movie right there. It also features the debut of Ruby LaRocca, who does a striptease in front of a window. That scene represents at least a quarter of the movie. Then we get some shots of Misty and Tina walking around Paris. (NOTE: They are fully clothed in this scene.) But there is some suspense, since they’re being followed by a mystery man with a camera. The suspense ends as Misty and Tina return to their apartment and get naked again for some lesbian love.
Now, you’re probably thinking that I’ve spoiled the whole movie for you. I probably have if you’re the type who enjoys recent George Lucas movies filled with meaningless action. But for those of you who can appreciate the subtle, nuanced performances of two beautiful young actresses giving each other a sponge bath, then you don’t want to miss this one.
As a bonus, Seduction Cinema has included an additional feature on this DVD. The previously out-of-print Vampire’s Seduction features Dracula’s daughter (Tina Krause) seducing Wally Van Helsing. Wally is the great-great-great-grandson of the legendary vampire hunter, Peter Cushing.
Wally’s mission is to find lesbians for Dracula’s daughter. First he spies on a woman taking a shower. Then he secretly watches a slumber party, where three young women discover their female sexuality. (This scene features Misty’s older sister, Chelsea.) Finally, he checks out a female doctor and her female patient, who get naked and make out for a little while. When the pizza delivery guy arrives with some food, they give him the best tip he’ll ever get.
John Paul Fedele plays Wally as the perfect dork, whose antics made me crack up several times. Kraus’s sexy pronunciation of “Dracula” made me laugh, too. And Debbie Rochon, who is one of my favorite B-movie actresses, plays a tough waitress who keeps her clothes on (unlike all the other actresses in the movie.)
If you’re a casual Misty Mundae fan, you may just want to rent this one and enjoy two movies for the price of one rental. But if you appreciate quality T&A and campy acting, this is definitely one you’ll want to pick up.
Sixteen Tongues
May 24, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Sixteen Tongues takes place in the future at the Sappho Hotel. There are male and female prostitutes loitering in the hallways, as well as countless bondage and S&M torture rooms. Residents have to pay for all the things we take for granted in modern day hotels: ice, water and porn-free television. Yeah, you read that correctly… in every room the television plays non-stop porn. In order to turn it off, residents must slide their credit card through a reader to buy a few quiet, porn-free hours.
Now for some of you reading, this probably sounds like the Adult version of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. But this is not a sexy movie. Instead, it is a dark and disturbing vision of what could happen in America if we don’t put a stop to outrageous sexual incidents, like Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. Thankfully, the FCC is watching over us, ensuring that grown men will be paying for their porn in clean hotel rooms for years to come.
Anyway, Sixteen Tongues refers to the skin of Adrian Torque, a cop who lives in the hotel. While serving the military, he lost half his skin in an explosion that killed the rest of his unit. In order to save Torque’s life, the doctors used tongue meat from the other men in his unit to patch up his body.
Down the hall, killer-for-hire Ginny Chin-Chin and her hacker girlfriend, Alik Silens, are having relationship problems. They are searching for the person who killed Alik’s brother. And the path has led them straight to the Sappho Hotel.
There were some technical problems with this movie, mainly with the audio, but I really liked the disjointed “video-look” the director used to tell this story. It gave me the feeling that I was watching all of this happen live. It appeared as though the characters were walking the same hallway over and over, with different posters on the walls each time. But I have to give the production and set designers credit for making all the sets appear gritty and real.
Sixteen Tongues is not for everyone. In fact, I usually turn this type of movie off before finishing it. But I couldn’t stop watching it. I do think it’s probably the most original movie I’ve seen all year, and moviegoers who appreciate fresh ideas should definitely check this one out.
Camp Utopia
May 23, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Camp Utopia starts with an interesting concept: it’s 1969, and charismatic guru Timothy Bach (played by former RATT frontman Stephen Pearcy) starts a small hippie commune in the woods. All the hippies are dancing and having fun. Some of the women are topless. And they’re all far off in the woods away from the rest of us, so that’s fine by me. But then Bach takes a hit of bad acid. He grabs a machete and starts slaughtering the hippies, especially the fat ones. This movie had FIVE STARS written all over it.
But then the movie flash-forwards to the present time, and we get stuck with another “teens in the woods” movie. Two guys and three girls head out to the woods for a camping trip, but they’re “roughing it”, so no cell phones are allowed. I will give the filmmakers credit for at least addressing that issue. Everyone carries a cell phone these days.
Turns out they’re setting up camp on the exact spot where Bach killed all those hippies back in ‘69. Since one of the three girls is new to town, the legend of Camp Utopia is rehashed again, and we learn that Bach disappeared into the woods, never to be found.
The bumbling Ranger Rogers (Adam Minoravich) shows up once or twice as comic relief, but this movie really needed a few more laughs. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem with bad actors whose “dramatic line readings” wind up being hilarious.
But the five teen characters were decent actors, and sadly, the story and script weren’t decent enough to match the actors. The movie just feels too serious to really kick back and enjoy.
I would like to commend two of the three female leads for taking their tops off in scenes where nudity was necessary to the story. It is a credit to both their talent and their devotion to their craft that they would so completely invest themselves in their characters. Thank you, Jessica and Sarah. Alexandra keeps her top on, but she delivers an excellent scene at the end, so she is forgiven this time around.
Even though it would have benefited from having a bit more “camp”, Camp Utopia is worth a spin in your DVD player.
Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones
May 18, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Starts off with a whimper, ends with a hell of a bang.
George Lucas took a lot of heat for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, from its name to the goofy Jar Jar Binks. Some would say that George sold out to the Dark Side… the dark side of marketing, making characters solely for the purpose of selling toys. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but in any case it looks like he’s heard the criticism and took it to heart when crafting Attack of the Clones. Well, maybe he didn’t pay attention to the part about names.
Clones has no furry characters to sell at Toys R Us, it has no fast food tie-ins to assist in marketing, and while Jar Jar is still in the movie, he has a very small part. What it does have is Jedi, lots of Jedi with lots of light sabers. It also has HUGE battle scenes, massive firepower, an extremely impressive asteroid belt and tons of action. Unfortunately to get to all this good stuff you have to put up with a plodding plotline for the first hour or so.
The acting is so-so as usual with dialogue that seems as stiff as the actors. It’s hard to imaging that the actors are having much fun making the film, and perhaps with the extensive use of blue screens this isn’t far from the truth. In any case, there just isn’t much life in the characters. Even the jovial and silly Jar Jar has trouble having fun this time around. Sure, the Republic is falling and someone is trying to kill Padme, but lighten up a little!
There isn’t much I can say about the storyline without risking a spoiler, which is definitely not allowed around here. The movie picks up 10 years after Phantom Menace with Obi-Wan Kenobi training Anakin Skywalker to be a Jedi. Queen Amidala has finished her term as ruler of Naboo and has been selected to serve as a Senator in the Republic. There’s a vote coming up in the Senate regarding the formation of a Republic Army and someone doesn’t want her to make it, so they put a contract out on her life. After a failed assassination attempt (not a spoiler, if they had succeeded it would be a very short movie and there would be a few problems with the storyline in episodes 3-6) Obi-Wan and Anakin are assigned to protect her.
We all know Anakin has a thing for Padme, and there’s a wee bit too much romance in the movie. However, it has to be done, so just grin and bear it. There’s also the investigation into who is trying to kill Padme, which leads to some serious action scenes later in the movie.
But what fans and non-fans alike will take with them from the movie is the last half hour, which is truly one some of the best movie action ever produced. George listened to the fans, and we are very pleased. All I can say is, bring on Episode III!
Mindhunters
May 15, 2005 | Leave a Comment
It is really hit or miss when it comes to a topic as overdone and played out as serial killer stalks group of unsuspecting victim movies, right? Of course I am. This one started out as 5 stars all the way, I was digging it big time. Then, a plot shift dragged it down to 4 stars. Mindhunters held strong at 4 until the final act when it just fell apart and got labeled with the dreaded 3 stars you see above. Which to me was extremely disappointing because I liked it, I really did.
The story takes place on a deserted military installation in the middle of the ocean on a forgotten island. This is to be the location of the final exam for 7 would be serial killer psy profilers for the FBI. Led by Special Agent JD Reston (Slater) the students along with a last minute arrival from Philadelphia homicide, Det. Gabe Jensen (LL) have 72 hours to follow clues planted by Instructor Jake Harris (Kilmer) and find the ‘imaginary’ unsub (unknown subject for the layman), called ‘The Puppeteer’.
Harris drops the group off on the island and expects them to profile and find this killer and be ready to lift off with all answers by Monday morning… This was very predictable from the get go but it had promise. So, the group of misfits… the leader, the cop, a cripple, gambling fanatic, tech junkie, the Brit, the addict and the coward, get to solve the crime. Please take note each one of them has a specific idiosyncrasy… this will make for a decent plot twist later. The movie kicks off the ‘real’ coolness with a very creative death scene for one of our 8 above, and from there they got a bit less creative and cool but still quite predictable. In fact at times it reminded me of Final Destination, in the sense that whenever you know a death is coming you start looking to see the how before the story lets you see it. This movie is all about the why and the who, so the how is just eye candy to most viewers. I personally thought the why and who were stupid and if it hadn’t been for the cool how’s I would have walked out.
The big plot surrounds watches and time. The killer (yet unknown) leaves watches and clocks as clues as to the time and nature he is going to strike. The Puppeteer expects the best and brightest of the FBI to figure it out and stop him before the clock strikes and the traps are sprung. Ho-Hum, that about sums it up and if you have nothing better to do then sit through this partial POS, then by all means go. But, if you have friends and a life to speak of wait for Netflix and go see something else.
5 to 4 to 3… sheesh. Renny what has happened to you?
Women’s Prison Massacre
May 13, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Women’s Prison Massacre is a recent re-release of a Women In Prison (WIP) movie from the 70’s. It’s been years since I saw a good WIP movie, and this one did not disappoint.
If you’re used to watching DVDs of old movies that are carefully remastered, then you’re in for a treat. I guess Retro Shock-O-Rama Cinema only had access to an ancient film print, and that’s what they transferred. I actually enjoyed watching the movie with all the cracks and flaws on the screen. It only adds to its charm.
In fact, I’d prefer to watch all classic movies with all the flaws of their original prints. Take the original Star Wars trilogy, for example. I still have my old VHS tapes from the 80’s, and that’s the way those movies should be viewed. After all, those movies are so ancient and out-of-date. The recent special editions are the cinematic equivalent of polishing a turd. I guess George Lucas needed to polish those turds before devoting his full attention to the vastly superior prequel movies. And I’m sure he got a few suckers to buy the same movies again on DVD. I’m going to stick with my VHS tapes.
But forget about those cheesy 70’s sci-fi movies. Women’s Prison Massacre is one of those perfectly named films that tells you exactly what to expect. Our attractive ethnic heroine, Emanuelle, has been falsely imprisoned on drug charges. The blonde Albina doesn’t like Emanuelle very much, and there’s plenty of tension between those two. There’s two separate fight scenes between them, one of which involves a switch blade. We also get a lesbian sex scene and two shower scenes in the opening half hour. What a fantastic start! But it gets even better.
Four crazy murderers have been sentenced to death and are being transferred temporarily to the women’s prison. They free themselves and take over the prison, making all of the inmates their hostages. During their reign of terror, there’s a memorable game of Russian Roulette, a necrophilia rape scene, a videotaped massacre of a SWAT rescue team and an unforgettable scene involving a razor blade and a cork.
This movie had me laughing out loud several times, but it is not a comedy. It definitely made me want to check out more classic WIP movies from the 70’s. And there’s a brand new WIP movie on the horizon: PRISON-A-GO-GO from Shock-O-Rama Cinema. (The trailer is included on this DVD.)
So if your DVD shelf is lacking a good WIP movie, then you’ll definitely want to pick up a copy of Women’s Prison Massacre.
Kingdom of Heaven
May 7, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Ridley Scott is a master at turning what could be a pile of steaming poo into something great and Kingdom of Heaven is no exception. When I first saw the trailers around Christmas last year I thought they were re-making Gladiator with all the similarities, the only difference was the lack of an actor to play the lead. I know what you’re thinking, Kingdom does have an actor playing the lead, Orlando is the lead! Yes this is true but if you were one of the unlucky few to see Troy last year you know full well Legolas needs to stay in the background and look cool and not say a word, because the boy just ain’t got the chops! So needless to say I was pretty worried this ‘epic’ would be as crappy as Alexander, and my experience would be the only thing epic, meaning looooong and uneventful. Lucky for me and everyone else in the auditorium it was not. In fact it was quite cool.
Set in 1184 AD in Jerusalem, Kingdom is the story of the siege and ultimate surrender of Jerusalem to the Saracen King Saladin. But since it is a movie and not a documentary on the History channel we have to start our tale a little ways before that to make it more interesting, so here we go.
In a little village in France around 1184 lived a blacksmith named Balian (Orlando Bloom) who finds out that his real father is actually a Baron (Liam Neeson) that serves the King of Jerusalem (Edward Norton), and he’s come to bring his son with him to take his rightful place by his side. Balian refuses to go and decides to stay and mourn the death of his recently deceased wife and child. Content to stay and remain a lowly blacksmith Balian is provoked by the village priest when he taunts Balian with the fact that his wife was burning in hell and would never reach Heaven… She killed herself and therefore is unable to repent so there you have it. This leads to an excellent death gimmick for the evil priest… and our hero flees the scene intent on finding dear old dad and going with him to fight in the Holy Land for King and country.
Balian finds poppa and when the authorities of the village come to arrest him for the death of the priest, Godfrey and his knights defend the begotten son with their lives (including Qui-Gonn) so he can carry on the family name. Balian and the surviving knights go to the Holy Land to help maintain the peace between the Saracen Muslims and the Christians while trying to keep the King’s brother in law, Guy de Lusignan (Csokas) away from the throne while still protecting the kings sister Sibylla (Green). This was the sole responsibility of city marshall Tiberius (Irons), and by request of the king himself it becomes Balian’s as well.
Although I doubt mentioning the outcome above can be considered a spoiler due to a little thing called written history. I do think going into great detail explaining the how’s might, so I will stop for now. This movie barely misses the elusive 5th star but the lack of a true hotty to gawk at, and the unleashing of the hounds force me to drop back down and settle on the 4. But you can take my advice and see this movie if you love large scale battle sequences with a character driven story and don’t mind sitting for 2 and a half hours.
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