Richard Jeni: Big Steaming Pile of Me
July 26, 2005 | Leave a Comment
When Richard Jeni introduced the world to the Platypus Man back in 1992, he made an immediate impression on me. For someone that didn’t look to be very manly, he managed to fully capture the male perspective on such things as buying the ultimate car and even the universal male hatred of love songs.
His newest show, Big Steaming Pile of Me, marks his first stand up special in over seven years. I was afraid that he might have mellowed a bit over time or possibly even succumb as so many have to the liberal thought control monster that has infected Hollywood like the plague. While he has, indeed, mellowed a bit, he is still the independent thinker he was back in ‘92 and that, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing. That’s a very good thing.
This time around Jeni rips on both politics and religion, and all sides get equal time. His wit is blindingly sharp but somehow he manages to avoid offending the audience which is a damn rare talent these days. It’s hard to figure out what his core beliefs might be, but then again, that’s the way it’s supposed to be, in my not so humble opinion. We pay to be entertained, not indoctrinated!
After the politics and religion bits, he also covers such fascinating topics as proctology, America haters, diarrhea, strippers, Michael Jackson, and more. If there’s a topic out there that will tickle your funnybone, odds are pretty good that he’ll hit on it at least once during the show.
As good as this effort is, however, I can’t quite give it that 5th star. I laughed out loud many times, but not as much as with other shows, such as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour or even Jeni’s original Platypus Man. Even still, it’s way above average and certainly not a disappointing effort. Grab this one if you find it!
Popularity: 16% [?]
Bad News Bears
July 25, 2005 | Leave a Comment
I don’t so much mind sitting through a bad flick when the people that made it were really trying to make something good and just missed the mark. What I absolutely have no patience for, however, is a movie made by people who were just going through the motions. Bad News Bears isn’t even THAT good, I’m sorry to say.
I actually had reasonably high hopes going into this one given that it had Billy Bob (Thornton, that is; not our Billy Bob) and the writing team from Bad Santa. I suppose I should have known better. The movie starts off well enough and there are a couple of cheap laughs early on. But soon after, the movie goes on autopilot and the cast starts sleep-walking towards their paychecks. The casting is very suspect. Sammi Kraft and Jeff Davies, for instance, reprise the roles of Billy Bob’s daughter and bad boy Kelly Leak (played by Tatum O’Neal and Jackie Earle Haley in the original 1976 version). Neither has any prior acting experience and both pretty much just suck their first time out.
Timmy Deters, as Tanner Boyle, isn’t much better. The female lead of the movie is played by Marcia Gay Harden and I think they wanted her to be somewhat of a sex object but…that just wasn’t working. Casting Billy Bob as Morris Buttermaker was a pretty good move, but his talents were pretty much wasted.
The writing and direction were as bad or worse than the casting. The interaction of the players, on the field and off, was disjointed and did NOTHING to make you want to pull for them to win. Also, the raunchy jokes I had expected to carry over from Bad Santa were nowhere to be found. Dammit. And as if all this wasn’t bad enough, everyone on the screen just looked as if they couldn’t wait for their scenes to be in the can so they could get the heck off the set.
Normally I might warn a person off a movie by advising them not to bother seeing it in the theater. In this case, however, I’ll just advise you not to bother seeing this one…at all.
Popularity: 19% [?]
Play-Mate of the Apes
July 22, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Play-Mate of the Apes is a few years old, but I think it’s one of the best “Hollywood spoofs” produced by Seduction Cinema, so it’s definitely worth reviewing.
The movie opens in a rocketship hurtling through space. The sleep pods open for Lt. Fornication (Engert) and Lt. Pushkintucushkin (Anoushka), and the first thing they do is make hot lesbian love.
They get pretty rowdy, and one of them accidentally pushes the “Do Not Push” button, which sets off an alarm. This wakes up Captain Gaylor (Mundae) who heroically seizes control of the ship and safely lands on a nearby planet. The three women exit the ship and start searching the planet for water. They soon discover a nice lake, and take the opportunity to remove their spacesuits. Their nude bathing leads to a hot lesbian love scene.
They continue exploring the planet in the nude and encounter some native humans, including Uvula (Caine), who has a big crush on Gaylor. But right before everyone gets to know each other, they’re all captured by apes! It turns out that this planet is ruled by apes, and these ape soldiers return to their ape city with the captured humans. Gaylor and Uvula are thrown into a cage together, and despite the horrific circumstances, they get comfortable enough for some lesbian loving.
Captain Laid (played by director John Bacchus) brings the humans out to strip for him and his fellow soldiers. He believes humans are playthings without souls since they can’t dance. But Doctor Cornholeous (Rochon) is a human-rights activist and believes Koko Darwin’s theory that apes evolved from humans. During a fun striptease sequence, Gaylor proves to the apes that she can talk and dance. Laid gets angry and the three ass-tronauts are returned to a holding cell, where they are naked and very cold. Fortunately, Lt. Pushkintucushkin remembers that in order to keep warm in Russia, they used their bodies. This leads to a warm, sweet lesbian love scene.
Cornholeous breaks Gaylor out of her cell, and along with Uvula and a gay pink ape, they escape into the woods. They encounter a Barbarian Queen (Shelby Taylor), who lives in a free zone of the planet. Everyone dances and has a good time, and there’s even a rap song featuring the talents of Taylor, Mundae and Rochon. In separate scenes, the Barbarian Queen manages to make sweet lesbian love to both Gaylor and Uvula.
The apes finally track down the escapees, and there’s a huge battle with swords and spears. Gaylor, Cornholeous and company are ultimately able to defeat the apes, but instead of a victory celebration party, we get…
A lesbian sex scene with Gaylor, Fornication, Pushkintucushkin and Uvula?
Where’s Cornholeous and the Barbarian Queen? Where’s everyone from the battle that just happened? This is where the movie really lost credibility with me. I thought it was pretty awesome up until this point, but this completely random lesbian sex scene just didn’t make sense with the story they had been telling up to this point.
The movie finally ends and ties everything together, but that unexplained lesbian sex scene near the end really hurt the overall story, in my opinion.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the movie. Mundae is very funny, quoting Charlton Heston’s “Taylor” character several times as she tries not to laugh. Rochon is over-the-top annoying at times, but she does so convincingly and makes Cornholeous a very fun character. While there was no blood and gore, some of the boob jobs in this movie are pretty frightening.
The DVD features several behind-the-scenes extras, and it looks like this movie was shot mostly in someone’s backyard and a dressed-up basement with wood walls. Also included (and very entertaining) is the Seduction Cinema trailer vault so you can check out the other movies they have available.
Despite the completely random lesbian sex scene at the end, I highly recommend picking this DVD up. Mundae is both funny and sexy, and everyone involved in the production knows they’re making a fun movie, and that really comes across on screen.
And besides, I’d watch this again before I’d rewatch Tim Burton’s crapfest remake.
Popularity: 24% [?]
Constantine
July 18, 2005 | Leave a Comment
I read a few issues of Hellblazer back in the day so when I heard they were making a movie on the DC/Vertigo title I got really excited. Then I heard they were going to cast an American to play John Constantine (Reeves). What? Now, I am JUST kind of excited. Next I find out Keanu Reeves has been cast to play him. WTF? Now I am annoyed and fear the release of this POS.
Those were my thoughts just one short year ago. Today, I admit I was ’sort of’ wrong. The story was kick butt, the effects were freaking awesome and, Keanu was Keanu so 2 out of 3 ain’t too bad.
John Constantine is a kind of supernatural mage turned hitman for demons and other nasties from the underworld… When John was a boy he had visions of things that go bump in the night and to make sure he never saw them again, he committed the ultimate sin, the one you can’t ask for forgiveness once you’ve done it. He offs himself and was dead for 2 full minutes, where he promptly got his rump fedexed straight to hell. Things look bleak for old Johnny until, the paramedics snatch him from deaths grasp and eternal burning torment, when they bring him back to life. That is all well and good for the ‘current’ life, but not for eternity. He already did the unforgivable deed so no matter what he does he is going back down south when he shuffles off this mortal coil. That has to suck.
Anywhoo, in an attempt to regain his soul and avoid his permanent tropical vacation, he slays demons. He figures if he slays enough of them, God will let him into heaven and forget that little mishap when he was a kid. Comic Books rule! That is the premise of the character John Constantine and the movie’s story portrays it, and him pretty well, with the exception that the character himself is British and Keanu only plays one role. “Vaya Con Dios, Brah”
Detective Angela Dodson (Weisz) is trying to find the people responsible for the death of her sister Isabella Dodson (Weisz) and she turns to Constantine for help. Meanwhile, south of the border, some hobo finds the spear of destiny (read the bible if you need to know what it is) and is bringing it back to HelL.A. to give to the demon Balthazar (Rossdale). More happens but you need to see the movie if you want to know what you are missing.
I saw it in a theatre full of folks and the audience seemed to really dig on it so I know you will too. If you like
Popularity: 19% [?]
Cathouse
July 18, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Cathouse is the original HBO documentary that inspired the series by the same name. Like the series, it is the story of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, the world famous Nevada brothel. Although filmed in 2002, if you’re a fan of the series, you’ll see many familiar faces including owner Dennis Hof, Madam Suzette and pornstar Sunset Thomas.
For the Amish among you, prostitution is legal in areas of Nevada that are not densely populated. It’s illegal in Las Vegas, but if you take a ride out into the desert you’ll find many brothels that are perfectly legal operations. The Moonlite Bunny Ranch is one of these places, and this documentary lets us take a look inside.
The outside is fenced and has a bell. It’s not much to look at from the outside, no flashing neon or anyting, and the structure appears to be some sort of prefabricated building of some sort. Inside the outer area looks like a strip club complete with bar and a place to mingle with the girls. A ring of the bell signals the girls to form a line up, and by the time the customer is let inside they are assembled for his (or her!) inspection where he can choose one or more to “party” with. From there you go to the girls bedroom where you negotiate a price based on what you want, money is collected by the madam and then you get to play a round of hide the salami or whatever your pleasure happens to be. Oh, and bring around $1000 with you if you want an hour with the better looking girls.
Now dont expect hard core sex on this DVD, it aired originally on HBO and there’s no extra footage here. However, there are hidden cameras in the girls’ rooms and the guest isn’t told about it until “afterwards”. So what you do get to see is the negotiation process which I admit can be quite entertaining in a reality TV trainwreck sorta way. You’ll also get to know some of the girls and in general learn how a brothel works behind the scenes.
Dont expect your usual line up of truckers and high rollers. I’m sure they get plenty of those, but where’s the fun in that? No, they hit us with some strange ones. A couple really raised our eyebrows. Two brothers who looked to be early 40’s complete with big beer guts who wanted to “party” at the same time with one girl. Hey, we’re no homophobes or anything, but where we come from we dont hang out with our brothers like that. There was one sequence that was worse. Mom brought her 22 year old son to have him deflowered. She actually goes back fromt he negotiations and is in there while Sunset Thomas is crawling all over him and grinding to work the price, and other things, up. She did at least go sit at the bar while the actual deflowering took place. I guess on some levels thats a cool mom, but how would you like to have your mom forever associated with your first sexual experience? Shudder…
If you like reality tv style documentaries and have ever had any curiousity about a brothel, you need this DVD. Given that and the gratuitous amount of T&A we give this one 4 stars.
Popularity: 22% [?]
Buzz Saw
July 15, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Buzz Saw is almost a great movie. Almost.
The story focuses on two maintenance workers at Pea Tree Apartments. Pete (Heffernan) is a competent worker and a nice guy, but his life seems to be in a downward spiral due to his nightly drinking. His buddy, Cass (Wolfe), works with him in the shop, and is a less-than-stellar employee. He is also a junkie who regularly gets stoned with some of the residents at Pea Tree.
But everything’s not peaches, cream, drugs and alcohol at Pea Tree. Residents turn up dead on a daily basis, having been brutally murdered by power tools from the maintenance shop. The police can never find any solid evidence at the crime scenes, and Pete and Cass seem to always have alibis. There are two freaky looking kids in a treehouse who visit the murdered bodies and take notes, but nobody except druggie Cass seems to notice them.
While I was very interested in both the story and the acting performances, I found the script was very murky. Many details were either hard to follow or completely left out. I had to watch the commentary to figure out what the hell the ending meant. I laughed when the directors actually remarked that viewers would probably listen to the commentary because the ending is so unclear. I liked the ending after I understood what they were trying to do with it, but endings shouldn’t have to be explained.
The bonus features reveal a deleted story line involving “The Nulls”, a husband and wife who are residents at Pea Tree. They are the classic “robotic suburbanites” who Pete and Cass make fun of. I wish the filmmakers had left this thread in the movie, as it adds some much needed comic relief to an otherwise dark story.
You might notice that, other than the plentiful blood and gore, this movie scores pretty low in the Movie Vital Stats on the right. Don’t let that deter you from renting this one. It’s definitely worth checking out for the bizarre and unconventional story and some pretty solid acting performances.
Popularity: 17% [?]
jackass: the movie
July 8, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Strictly speaking, it’s hard to even call jackass: the movie a movie at all. There’s no plot, none at all. This is simply a feature length episode of the jackass television show on MTV, with one big difference… this one is rated R, and we strongly approve!
For those who might not know the premise of the show, jackass is about a group of guys who perform stupid stunts and practical jokes on each other, unsuspecting bystanders and even their own families. Heh, especially their own families… Bam has the most understanding father on the planet.
I’m having trouble saying anything about the stunts in the movie as that might be considered breaking our strict no-spoilers rule, but as there isn’t actually a plot I don’t think I’m actually spoiling anything if I mention a couple of things that they do. If you don’t want to know anything at all, just stop reading now.
Do you know what/where the gooch is? If not, you will… and you’ll see what happens when you send an electric shock through it. How about having a baby alligator chomp down on your nipple? Would you like to be shot with a crowd control round from a 12 gauge shotgun? I think you’ve got the idea.
This is easily the funniest movie I’ve seen all year, it’s not even a contest. Most critics hate this movie as they just can’t relax and enjoy the sophomoric humor these guys put on the screen. As a result you just know the only award these guys are going to get is the Best Comedy award at next years MTV Movie Awards, and even then they might not get it as the movie was produced by MTV and they might consider that a conflict.
No matter, this is still going to be the comedy of the year. See it if you haven’t already, go see it again if you have. Oh, and be sure to stay all the way through the credits… Son of Jackass!
Popularity: 18% [?]
Blow
July 8, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Blow is a very well done movie. There are some top notch performances, a great screen play and Ted Demme does a great job as director. However this is not light entertainment, this is heavy drama with no real comedic relief.
Based upon the novel, “Blow: How a Small-Town Boy Made $100 Million with the Medellin Cocaine Cartel and Lost it All” by Bruce Porter. This is based on the true story of George Jung. It is often claimed that Jung is largely responsible for cocaine becoming the drug of choice for the rich and famous back in the early 70’s. Way back then before cocaine was a widely known narcotic, George hooked up with Columbian druglord Pablo Escobar to import mass quantities of the drug to the U.S. Jung had distribution channels which put the drugs into the hands of movie, TV and rock stars. That in turn made it the drug of choice with the trendy set, and in a very short period of time he was making tens of millions of dollars.
The movie isn’t just a history of cocaine. However, it does qualify as a highly dramatic biography of George Jung. We meet him as a little boy and come to understand the environment he was brought up in and follow him thru his pursuit of easy money and the ups and downs of the ride along the way. Jung truly personifies the old proverb that states the higher you go the further you can fall.
The movie is heavy on drama, we do not get alot of action or comedy. As you might expect there’s a bit of gunplay, but that’s about it. And I don’t remember even a chuckle, the movie is quite serious. We get a bit of flesh in the form of bikinis and such, but the only true nudity comes in very fast flashes. There’s nothing here to distract you from the drama that unfolds.
It is quite common for us to see a movie that isn’t all that well made but very entertaining. We’ll often tell you that such a movie won’t win any Oscars but is fun way to spend a couple of hours at the cinema. Blow is just the opposite, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see it get some Oscar nominations. But I cant say this is a fun-filled way to spend a couple of hours. In fact, although the movie was 2 hours long, it felt more like 3. This is one of those movies that if you enjoy a good drama and a well made film, you should see it, but I do not think anyone will be sitting thru this one multiple times.
Popularity: 21% [?]
Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet
July 8, 2005 | Leave a Comment
If you’re afraid to head down to the beach or the pool this year because of dangerous UV rays, don’t fret. Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is being released during the hottest part of the summer, and is the perfect way to spend the afternoon while your neighbors are outside getting skin cancer.
The movie starts with two hot astronaut/anthropologist babes on a spaceship studying the indigenous tribes on Dinosaur Planet. (Babylon 5 fans will appreciate the spaceship’s jumpgate technology.) While the action of the movie takes place on the spaceship, the two babes frequently reference and discuss video footage from Dinosaur Planet. It is fascinating to watch these primitive women behave around one another. There was a lot of information about their local customs and culture that I missed, so I’ll probably need to watch the movie again. All you really need to know is that Misty Mundae is one of the Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet. And she doesn’t wear her bikini that much.
Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is only sixty minutes long, but that’s okay because Seduction Cinema has included a bonus feature: Bikini Goddesses. This is the gripping story of a young man from a broken home who goes to visit his father in Greece. His father, who is the manager of a near-bankrupt hotel, puts him to work as a bellboy. The young man learns of a local legend from a local idiot. He makes a wish and becomes the master of three ancient Greek Goddesses, who had been banished centuries earlier. As long as he feeds and clothes them, they will attend to his every desire. I think the alternate title to this movie should be “Best Summer Vacation Ever”.
As silly as both of these movies are, I had a great time watching them. And you can’t beat getting two guilty pleasures for the price of one.
It’s okay to avoid the dangerous sunlight this summer. Stay indoors and watch this excellent DVD.
Popularity: 28% [?]
Dark Water
July 6, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Editor’s Note: We apologize for the tone, grammar and language of the following review. However, JC’s venom toward this movie was so genuine that we just do not have the heart to edit it. As Boon says to Otter when he wants to correct Bluto about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor, “forget it, he’s rolling…”.
When I left Batman Begins I remember how desprately I wanted to get to my trusty keyboard so I could hammer out my praise so the world would know what a masterpiece Nolan had created. Well, let’s just say I wanted to get to my keyboard even more for this one, not for the same reason mind you, but I felt even more compelled to let the world know all about Dark Water than F’N Batman and that is saying something coming from this camp.
In short or long as the case may be – I absolutely despised every moment of this P.O.S. I have never in the history of seeing movies seen anything I ‘hated’ before; Let us look at the definition of that word before we go any further, shall we – Hate, it means to dislike something so strongly that it demands action. Action people, ACTION!!! I am a man and unlike chicks that hold grudges (another piece of sheeot) and remember things just to pick a fight later, we let stuff go and move on. Which is normally the philosophy of the staff here at MFG; But, I can’t in good conscience do that for this film, and the world will know of it’s suckage if it is my last act on earth – THIS I COMMAND! I could go on for days and I will rant more but not until I explain the premise to you and calm down a little before I pop a vessel. …breathe…
Jennifer Connelly plays a looney name Dahlia that is forced to find a cheap apartment for her and her daughter (Gade) named Ceci – another thing I hated – while she goes through what could be a nasty divorce from her hubby. With very limited options Dahlia and Ceci (urgghhh) choose a pearl of a place run by Mr. Murray (Reilly) and his flunky Veeck (Postlethwaite) on Roosevelt Island just outside of Manhattan. The happy mom and daughter combo move in and on night one they notice a big “spooky” water stain. Mom complains to Mr Murray and he gets Veeck to fix it, until it comes back (oh no it is too scary to continue) on it’s own. This goes on throughout the whole stupid movie and only stops long enough to throw in an imaginary friend, 2 would be felon teens a DAMN Hello Kitty backpack and the most predictable finale since Titanic. It’s just too painful to explain anymore so I will rant instead so I can end this abomination of a review before I really do have an aneurysm and bite it.
Every child knows there are three basic parts to a story and all should be included when writing one. You need a beginning, a middle and an end and none of these pieces are optional, they are G’D requirements. So why is it you think this particular screenwriter decided to leave out two of them? You don’t know well neither do I but he sure as hell did it. This 96 hour marathon of boredom began and never ended… it just stopped! Which I am glad it did because 5 more minutes and I would have been looking for some rafters to hang myself from, at least that way someone would have been entertained during this turd.
I will leave you all with this tidbit. Stop encouraging Japanese film makers to bring their sh*tty movies over here for us to see them. We want blood, guts and chases in our horror movies. We want the killer to ring up a huge body count, leave one hot chick that WILL show us her goodies alive, so she can ultimately do the killer in using some bizarre method, yet leaving it completely open for a potential sequel if box office is strong enough, and that is IT! These F’N movies (Ring, Grudge, Dark Water) have none of that and worse than that, they all have the same stupid plot device, (a creepy faced ghost kid that drowned and wants peace) and expect us to be entertained. It ain’t working!
Sorry but this will be the last minute of my life that gets taken away from me for bad Japanese imports and if you guys out there have a pair you’ll join me in this trends demise. Say it loud, Say it Proud – We want Blood and Bullets, We want Boobies, the more the merrier!
Popularity: 18% [?]
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