Transporter 2
August 31, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Being a sequel starring the same main character, we knew the story, the action, and the car chases would be the same – but the big question would be… Does the story suck? Answer: Who cares!
While filling in for a friend, would-be special-forces super soldier for hire Frank Martin (Statham) decides to ‘take it easy’ and retire to Miami. Once transporter of kidnapped Asian hotties, now he is nothing more than a chauffer for the Billings family. Mr. Billings (Modine) the US Political drug Czar and his wife Audrey (Valletta) have a crappy marriage and need Martin to look after and drive their son Jack to and from school, and on occasion to the doctor. Life is boring for Frank but with this being a cool action movie it won’t stay that way long.
At the beginning you get to see what amounts to a 30 second commercial through a slow pan scroll of the Amazing 12-cylinder Audi A8, and $6,000 dollar wrist watch the Panerai – PAM 196, but things change and business picks up quick enough. Newcomer and pre-requisite school girl AnnaLynne (hot as hell) and 4 of her big flunkies try and ‘jack’ Frank’s new ride, thus making him late to pick up little Jack – Bad Idea! Frank apparently really hates to be late and this leads to kick ass fight scene number 1; There will be about 5 or 6 more before the credits roll so you get plenty of cool choreography.
Bodies lying everywhere, Frank leaves his butt whooping session to pick up Jack ‘promptly’ @ 3:00 to take him home to hotty. Mommy is waiting outside for little Jack and Frank to return but with the sight of Mom and Dad arguing Frank pulls in backwards so little Jack can’t see it… This endears Frank to mom and she decides to hang in the car window just enough, so Frank and the rest of us get a sneaky peek at the goods. Not too bad but since every chick in this movie is skinny as a rail the boobs suffer for it, which to this reviewer is BAD!
Mom is busy and asks Frank to come in on his day off to take the little guy to the doctor. All along there is a plot in place by a local bad guy to infect Frank’s little buddy with a deadly virus. The infection will spread to his meddling dad and his comrades in the war on drugs, thus killing all of them. This is a good thing for the cartels, not so good for the anti-drug movement. Frank breaks up their little deed ‘temporarily’ but ultimately winds up caught in the kidnapping and recovery, to become the hero once again. Why else would we watch?
Throw in at least 3 kick ass car and boat chases – 4 or 5 excellent fights and plenty of gun AND sword play and you get Transporter 2. Statham’s character is cool and the cars in this movie are un-friggin believable so go check it out.
Popularity: 18% [?]
Feeding the Masses
August 30, 2005 | Leave a Comment
The MFG Zombie Month reviews continue with Feeding the Masses, a brand new zombie movie from Shock-O-Rama Cinema. It will be screening at a few conventions and festivals this summer before its August 16th DVD release date.
This movie will probably get compared to the original Dawn of the Dead because of its social commentary. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of zombie gore to keep you satisfied. But the filmmakers, director Richard Griffin (director of photography on The Stink of Flesh) and screenwriter Trent Haaga (writer of Citizen Toxie, actor in Suburban Nightmare), go after the powerful presence the news media occupies in our current culture.
Even though zombies have taken over the streets of America, the television stations continue to air optimistic reports that conditions are improving. It turns out that the U.S. government controls these stations, and they don’t want the American people to lose faith in the government’s ability to keep the streets free of walking corpses.
In Rhode Island, a reporter (Morris) and a cameraman (Garberina) are determined to broadcast the truth. Along with a soldier escort (Cohen), they set out into the city to capture footage of the massive zombie infestation. The reporter wants fame, the cameraman wants to create the next Zapruder film, and the soldier just wants to get into the reporter’s pants.
Throughout the movie, various commercials appear. There’s one for a funeral home that properly captures and “re-kills” re-animated loved ones. Another commercial encourages people to leave their homes and safely enjoy nightlife on a party bus. Both of these diversions end up tying into the main storyline.
I thought the technical details were excellent. The computer-generated special effects worked pretty well in advancing the story, even though they couldn’t compete with a big-budget Hollywood crapfest.
I found Haaga’s script to be very intelligent, especially for this type of movie. It breaks away from the traditional zombie movie convention of the survivors getting holed up in a location surrounded by zombies. Having a news crew on the street seeking the zombies out is a fresh take on the genre, and I like it.
I think it’s a shame that this production didn’t have a bigger budget, though. My primary complaint is that there weren’t nearly enough zombies. The final scene features dozens of zombies, and I’m not complaining about that. I’m referring to the characters talking at length about how the streets are overrun with zombies, but when they venture out into the city, there’s only three or four flesheaters. That’s pretty small potatoes compared to the hundreds of zombies seen in movies like the original Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead, or the thousands of CGI zombies seen in the Dawn remake.
I’m only bitching because I really enjoyed Feeding the Masses. I just wanted it to be a little better. I highly recommend this one, especially to horror fans who’ve grown tired of the same old zombie movie formula.
Popularity: 15% [?]
Bubba Ho-Tep
August 30, 2005 | Leave a Comment
As a big fan of both Elvis Presley and B-horror movies, I’d been looking forward to seeing Bubba Ho-Tep for quite some time. Come on… Elvis as an ass-kicking action hero? This movie should be the cinematic equivalent of a slam dunk!
Unfortunately, this movie is a big ol’ brick that bounces off the rim. In fact, I nearly fell asleep twice!
The basic premise is that in the mid-1970’s, Elvis Presley (Campbell) trades places with an Elvis impersonator. Elvis would get a normal life, and the impersonator would get all the fame and fortune that comes with being the King of Rock and Roll. Long story short, the real Elvis is unable to “trade back” with the impersonator. And due to a hip injury and his old age, he’s stuck in an East Texas rest home.
One of the other residents at the rest home (Davis) claims to be John F. Kennedy. Unlike the Elvis switcheroo, the explanation as to why JFK is an old black man made no sense whatsoever. But I just suspended disbelief and went with it.
Anyway, strange things have been happening at the rest home. Apparently, an ancient Egyptian mummy was being transported through Texas, but there was an accident, allowing the mummy to escape his cursed tomb. (The cursed tomb kept the mummy powerless.) The mummy set up residence at the rest home, living off the souls of the elderly residents. It’s up to Elvis and JFK to put a stop to this soul-sucking mummy by kicking its ancient ass.
Great set-up, right? Too bad it takes 75 minutes (the movie is 95 minutes including credits) to get to the point of Elvis and JFK gearing up to go mummy hunting. That’s right, 75 minutes of old men talking, and an occasional scene of a mummy sucking an old person’s soul. Very, very boring. And when the big fight scene goes down, it’s pathetic. Sure, I know this is supposed to be a comedy, but it’s not GRUMPY OLD MEN vs. THE MUMMY. This story is about two of the most iconic Americans of the past century, ELVIS PRESLEY and JOHN F. KENNEDY. They should be kicking that mummy’s ass all over East Texas. Sadly, the fight scene ends with a whimper.
Sure there were a few laughs here and there, and overall the script seemed very funny, just poorly executed. I’m sure in the original short story this concept is very entertaining. But on screen, it just didn’t work for me. Ossie Davis is wonderful as JFK. And while Bruce Campbell shows signs of perfection as Elvis, his performance is uneven.
This disc is packed with extras, but I didn’t spend too much time on them. There are a lot of Evil Dead fans who love this movie, so if you’re a big fan of Campbell, it might be worth your while to check it out. (Chances are you already have.) But if you don’t worship at the alter of Ash and you’re seeking an entertaining B-movie, look elsewhere.
Popularity: 15% [?]
9 Songs
August 23, 2005 | Leave a Comment
The title and tagline for this movie really tells you what you need to know; 9 Songs, 69 minutes of Sex and Rock n Roll.
The movie unfolds as a series of flashbacks as Matt fondly remembers his ex-girlfriend Lisa while he treks across Antarctica to get new ice samples. Don’t stop reading just yet, it gets better. Lisa was a bit of a wild child, and their taste in music definitely leans towards the punk-rock side of the isle. What you really end up getting is a little bit of sappy monologue while looking out of an airplane window, 9 songs performed in a concert setting, and a lot of nudity and sex. Yes, sex.
The part of this movie that seems to get the most attention is that what you are seeing isn’t simulated sex scenes between two actors as you would normally see in a Hollywood movie, but rather actual sex between two actors. To be perfectly clear here, you will see oral sex performed on both male and female, and intercourse that will leave no doubt in your mind that it’s actually happening. And there is a money shot.
Is the point of the movie to shock the viewer with this material? No, it really isn’t. While the sex scenes are undeniably steamy, they also come off as being very realistic between two lovers who are getting to know each other. The point isn’t to titillate the viewer but to immerse them in the relationship between Matt and Lisa, and for the most part this works quite well.
The story is strung together by the music, and this is the weak point of the movie for me. For a punk rock fan it might flow very well but I just wanted to skip the songs and get back to the story. The Von Blondies, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Super Furry Animals just aren’t in my MP3 collection and I can’t relate to the music. Not having this common ground with the story really hurts it as an overall project since a big chunk of the movie is the music. It’s a shame the director didn’t make multiple versions of the movie, one for punk fans, one for metal heads, and one for classic rock. I’d love to see this same story strung together with Metallica, Judas Priest and Megadeth.
Due to the graphic sex depicted on screen I doubt you’ll find this in many megaplexes, so you’re gonna need to wait on Netflix to see this one. If you’re a fan of the music then just buy it as the concert performances mixed with the story will make it worth your money. Otherwise, rent it and enjoy the skin.
Popularity: 19% [?]
The Skeleton Key
August 10, 2005 | Leave a Comment
The Skeleton Key is a thriller starring the always lovely Kate Hudson. Yes, I said thriller instead of horror movie. If you’re looking for a booger movie, definitely wait for the DVD release. You probably wont have to wait more than a couple of weeks.
What we have here is yet another variation of an old story that has been used in everything from Tales of the Crypt to The Twilight Zone to Star Trek. We wont spoil it by telling you which one, but you’ll likely recognize it at some point long before the movie is over. And from that point on, you’ll likely find The Skeleton Key very predictable.
This time the tale is told in the Louisiana bayous outside of New Orleans. Kate Hudson plays Caroline, a hospice nurse who takes a job providing home care for an old man who has had a stroke. The key word here is home care. The home is a spooky old hundred plus year old plantation house out in the bayou inhabited only by the man and his chain smoking wife. When Caroline gets nosey, she finds there may be more than meets the eye going on in this house.
Hudson does a wonderful job in this movie as usual. And as always she’s looking very hot. Just please dont remind us that she’s Goldie Hawn’s daughter. That really makes us feel old because we also used to really enjoy looking for the obligatory boob shot in Goldie’s movies. The rest of the cast does a good job too despite being a little over the top with the cajun accents. However the story was predictable, and the movie really failed to provide any tension. They had a great old house and swamp setting to work with, but only in a couple of scenes did they even make a feeble attempt at providing some of that classic “something is gonna get ya!” or “oh crap what’s around that corner!” kinda tension.
We didn’t leave the theater thinking it was horrible, but this is one of those movies that can absolutely wait for DVD. In fact, we’re holding out for the director’s cut to see if we can see some more of Kate’s tiny bouncy breasts! Yes, we’re pigs, but we know what we like. The Skeleton Key aint it, we give it 2 stars.
Popularity: 15% [?]
Four Brothers
August 9, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Four Brothers is an action-drama specifically targeted to guys; four brothers seeking vengeance for the murder of their mother.. who among us didn’t just give a mental “ooh-rah!” just thinking about it. It aims for the heart, but not in a sappy “let’s cry for momma” kind of way, this movie aims with guns, and hits the mark.
Fionnula Flanagan plays Evelyn Mercer, the Mom with a heart of gold and a knack for putting kids on the right path. The movie starts off with Evelyn teaching a lesson to a young shoplifter in a corner store, a store that’s about to be robbed. During the course of the robbery the attendant is killed, Evelyn squeaks, and is also killed.
Evelyn was a foster mother who helped place over 100 kids into permanent homes, but there were four kids who were so “damaged” that she couldn’t find them homes, so she adopted them herself. Her four adopted sons come home for her funeral and decide to investigate her murder. The police say it was random, but evidence seems to suggest otherwise. Why? Who would want to kill their sweet old mum?
Remember that these kids were bad and she didn’t work out all of their tendencies, so when they start knocking on doors to see what information they can turn up they aren’t very subtle about it. Bobby (Mark Wahlberg) was kicked off a hockey team for being too violent, and enjoys using gasoline to assist in his interrogations. Angel (Tyrese Gibson) isn’t a nice guy either and throws a wicked punch, while Jack (Garrett Hedlund) is a third rate gay rock star… and fights like it. Only Jeremiah (Andre Benjamin) has really cleaned up his act and sits out for most of the fight scenes.
As the brothers go around knocking guys around they turn up some interesting facts, which begins to show that murder wasn’t a random killing and that those responsible may not be strangers after all. That’s it, can’t talk about the plot any more or I might ruin something. You can count on some obvious plot twists and some just as obvious false dodges, but you really won’t mind.
Performance wise this movie is top notch, with only a scene at the beginning where Bobby cries about his mothers death coming off as too forced. There’s a great chemistry between the brothers, and they rib each other as only brothers can. Imagine 2 white brothers, one of which is gay, and two black brothers throwing verbal jabs at each other. They get away with dialogue that only a brother could, and the audience eats it up.
The fights are spectacular, both fist fights and gun fights. The Mercer brothers don’t take crap from anybody, and they don’t kid around when they get pissed. This was their MOTHER, and a flesh wound just wouldn’t do justice. This movie WILL have you cheering when certain events happen along with everyone else in the audience.
Four Brothers almost gets 5 stars but doesn’t quite have that little something “extra” that warrants it. Like Hustle & Flow (produced by Singleton, who directed this one) this one will get mentioned when it comes to awards, and it deserves the mention. Go see this one in the theaters soon as you’ll want the crowd involved for the complete experience. It’s date safe as well, so grab a honey and hit the theaters.
Popularity: 16% [?]
The Great Raid
August 7, 2005 | Leave a Comment
In 1941 right after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, they invaded Manilla where 15,000 Americans and Philippino forces stood between wave after wave of Japanese ground troops, and their objective of conquering the Philippines and establishing dominance in the South Pacific. The soldiers fought valiantly but with circumstances beyond their control… the retreat of McArthur to Australia and the advancement of the Empire of Japan, they were left no other choice but to surrender. Historically it is noted that surrender was not honorable so the Japanese considered these men to be less than human and therefore their lives were forfeit and belonged to their captors. The invaders were not prepared to sustain the great number of POW’s so they marched them to camps; Nearly 80% didn’t survive. You can read more about that part if you’d like but the movie itself only brushes over the actual ‘Death March of Bataan’ through a voice over at the beginning so let’s get to the meat of the movie itself and the rescue of the poor men that had to walk that road.
Set in 1945 at a camp outside Manilla called Cabanatuan, the survivors of the Bataan Death March… now less than 500 are awaiting either rescue or death, since there is nothing else. The commanding officer for the US troops held there is Maj. Daniel Gibson (Fiennes), his job is to keep his men in line and protect them from the EVIL! Major Nagai (Kobayashi), and his secret police. Nagai was sent to the camp to replace the fleeing Japanese regular army, and eliminate the prisoners at the first sign of American advancement. In what is one of the most disturbing scenes I have ever seen; you get to see Nagai’s chosen form of clean up and I warn you it is difficult to watch – This gave the audience I saw this movie with a very good reason to stick around to see this little bastage get what he had coming, AND he got some of it but in my opinion not near enough!
Meanwhile back at HQ just behind enemy lines the brass is planning to free the men in Cabanatuan and end their nearly 4 years of Hell. Commanded by Lt. Colonel Mucci (Bratt) and led by Captain Bob Prince (Franco) they plan the most successful American SAR (Search and Rescue) in modern military history. Although it is difficult to spoil a movie based on fact it is not how we do business and since I encourage everyone to see this movie I will close the review portion.
It has been said by many that the WWII veterans were the greatest generation this country has ever seen, and although I can’t speak from experience I have read enough to know that can’t be far from the truth. Thanks to stories from my Grandfather who was in the Philippines during this time and the documentaries on PBS and the History Channel, I will always remember his and their sacrifice to provide the blanket of freedom we lay beneath each day. This movie isn’t like Saving Private Ryan or Windtalkers, it’s a bit slower in pace but the message came through loud enough that the audience stood and applauded at the end, and in my book that makes it worth seeing. The best line in the movie is a quote that defined the dedication of the men and women from that era; Never before have so many given so much, and complained so little. Powerful words for a powerful movie.
See this movie, you’ll be glad you did.
Popularity: 14% [?]
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