Gilligan’s Island: The Complete Third Season
September 23, 2005 | Leave a Comment
I can remember every episode just by watching a few seconds and as sad as that may sound to you, it makes me smile. I loved the wacky fun of the show and before I watched this entire DVD collection, I was sure there had to be at least 150 episodes and that the show was on at the very least 5 or 6 years. I was I’m sorry to say, wrong on both counts. The show only had 98 episodes (don’t count movies and dumb spinoffs) and ran for only 3 seasons. I loved them when I was a kid so I volunteered to spend the 780 minutes of my life watching this set. That is not entirely a good thing because sadly, 780 minutes is about 500 too many.
This being the final season there are some less than stellar offerings but there are a few that you can really sink your teeth into - I crack me up! Sink your teeth, whoo that is funny stuff, Absolute comic gold. The first episode on this set is called “Up at Bat” where our favorite little buddy gets bitten by a bat and dreams he is Dracula. Fun and frolic runs wild until the professor who ruins everything with his stupid book learnin’ tells Gilligan it was nothing but a fruit bat and that he is just fine. Did we mention that Mary Ann (sizzzzzzle) and Ginger are brides that look pretty darn good in shear white.
There are a few more decent choices in the set as well, “Pass the vegetables please” - Giagantic radioactive soap filled veggies mean laughter beyond words so that one is a must see. “The Invasion” sees the islanders fighting over the reason a top secret briefcase has washed up in the lagoon. Gilligan numb nuts that he is, attaches it to his wrist and goes into la-la land again; This time he is a super spy. Still a pretty funny episode, if not the best of the season.
The list goes on and on… both ways unfortunately because for every really good episode in Season 3 there are 3 or 4 ninja farts in the bed with you too. If you are a huge fan of this show even today, which is to say you curse TBS as a heretic for unleashing that god awful reality show on the world, then by all means add this one to your collection. You might as well finish the set. But, if you preferred the earlier installments just a tad bit more, then drop this one and stick to Season 1, it’s better anyway.
Corpse Bride
September 22, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride is just like The Nightmare Before Christmas, but with different songs. That is to say if you liked one, you’ll like the other.
Once upon a time, somewhere around the 19th century in England, a newly rich family is planning to work their way in with the Noble class by marrying their son to the daughter of a local upper class family. What they don’t know is this particular family is dead broke and is hoping to turn their situation around in this process. Of course nobody asked the couple to be, nor do they care what they think.
Turns out that Victor (the son) falls instantly in love with Victoria (the daughter) and are both quite happy to be getting married. Well, except for Victor being a little nervous about the whole thing. The night before the wedding Victor is walking through the forest practicing his vows when he unexpectedly marries a corpse.
Hey, it’s Tim Burton, do you really expect every little detail to make sense?
Victor runs away from his new bride and manages to knock himself out. When he comes to, he’s in the land of the dead which frankly looks a heck of a lot better than it does topside. People are singing, dancing, frolicking and of course feel no pain since they’re dead. Victor doesn’t quite see it this way though and immediately starts trying to work his way back to the land of the living.
The story is basically a very unusual love triangle with Victor, Victoria and Emily (the Corpse, at least I think that was her name). Who will Victor choose in the end? And will he sing about it when he does? Actually both possible brides are kinda hot (and Emily is quite flexible) so Victor can’t lose either way he goes.
There’s nothing about this movie that screams out to be seen on the big screen, and the songs just got on my nerves. If you’re looking for a date safe movie, or something to take the kids to then this is a good choice. Otherwise wait for DVD.
Flightplan
September 19, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Flightplan is the latest “mom has lost her kid, or has she?” movie. We’ve seen a handful of these recently. In every mom’s worst nightmare she cant find her child. And these psycho-thriller movies add the twist of spinning the story to make you wonder whether the kid is really there or mom has just gone nutso.
In this case, the mom is Jodie Foster, who suddenly is looking a little old to have a six year old daughter. She gets on a plane, and being a bad mom she goes to sleep instead of watching her daughter. When she awakes, the little girl is missing. And what’s worse, no one on the plane can seem to remember ever seeing the girl to begin with. This is a part of the story that we had a hard time suspending disbelief on, because everyone knows that when you see anyone anywhere near you with a small child on an airplane you immediately cuss to yourself if not outloud.
Now if the idea of screaming kids on a plane is bad, wait til you have a freaked out mom. The whole time we’re watching this movie I cant get past the empathy for the other passengers. They’re being made to sit in their seat while she runs around just totally freaking out. And if that wasn’t bad enough, what she does to a Mercedes S600 at one point during the movie almost made us stand up in the theater and yell out the “B” word. One less child on an airplane is a good thing, leave the car out of it!
We didn’t expect much from this movie, but as it turned out it was “darned ok”. Good date flick, and it seemed to play well with the Depends crowd at the screening we were at as well. We give it 3 stars. Foster gives her usual good performance, and if you like her or this type of thriller is your cup of tea, you’ll probably enjoy it. Otherwise wait for the DVD.
Lord of War
September 17, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Lord of War is kind of like watching a Discovery channel special except with breasts. The movie itself isn’t sure whether it wants to be drama, action or comedy, and that combined with a lot of narration from Nicolas Cage gives it almost a documentary feel. And it is in fact “based upon actual events”.
Cage plays Yuri Orlov, a Russian immigrant who grew up in Brooklyn, but was one of those guys who always dreamed of escaping to the good life. The means he found to do so was to become a gun runner. The story follows him from his first deal to present day as we watch him wheel and deal while trying to lead a double life by not letting his wife know what he does. Oh yeah, and there’s the little problem of an overzealous Interpol agent, played by Ethan Hawke, who would love to put him away for life.
If you’re expecting a war film, this is not it. You’ll see the guns get used here and there, but this is more about the characters involved. There is very little action here. Though they do at least give us a handful of sex scenes and breasts.
The movie exclusively follows Cage’s character and he talks to the audience almost the entire time. But we get to see the double life he leads at home as he goes to a lot of trouble to prevent his wife from knowing what he does. Meanwhile he’s sold guns to “every army except the Salvation Army”, and this provides another interesting cast of characters especially African war lords travelling with gold plated AK-47’s, though they prefer the sound of “lord of war” over “warlord”.
The thing we absolutely hated about the film was the political side. We had the distinct impression they were trying to convince us that guns are bad. We saw kids with guns, and kids getting killed by guns. And the message I think they were trying to sell is that people would quit killing each other if we would quit giving them guns. Someone wasn’t paying attention in history class!
Despite having lots of guns and boobs, we left this film feeling kinda flat. The movie was interesting enough, and the actors did a great job. But the lack of action and seeing the movie perhaps try to do a bit of preaching toward the end of the film is enough to drag it down to only 3 stars.
The Witches of Breastwick
September 15, 2005 | Leave a Comment
The Witches of Breastwick is another collaboration between actress Glori-Anne Gilbert, director H.R. Blueberry and producer Jim Wynorski. If you enjoyed the beautiful women and the production values from their first movie, Lust Connection, then you’ll definitely want to check out this one.
David (Dalpiaz) keeps having erotic dreams featuring three incredibly busty women (Gilbert, Smith & Daniels) and a sacrificial ritual which ends in his death. His shrink doesn’t offer much help, so David sets off into the forest with his wife Tiffany (Parent) in search of clues. Just when he begins to recognize certain landmarks, their car stalls out.
Fortunately, there’s a cabin nearby for them to call a tow truck. There are three incredibly busty women (guess who?) living in the cabin. They are writers who are researching a local ghost legend, and they offer their spare bedroom to David and Tiffany. David is hesitant to stay since he recognizes the three women from his dreams, but Tiffany insists that he relax, so they end up staying.
During their stay, David manages to score a hot love scene with all three of the incredibly busty writers, while Tiffany has two naked jacuzzi scenes with the incredibly busty writers. And these important scenes are what this movie is really about. Beautiful big-breasted women getting naked. Sure, there’s the plot about the writers really being witches trying to summon an ancient ghost, but who cares about that? There are more busty women here than a Russ Meyer flick, and that’s all you really care about, right?
This movie feels a lot like Lust Connection. In addition to having the same director, producer and star as that movie, several of the women are the same, and most of the action takes place in the same mountain cabin location. They also used the same writer, but his script wasn’t quite as good this time around. The sex scenes actually made sense in Lust Connection, but here they seem a little forced. No complaints here, I love plenty of T&A. But this team of filmmakers has proven themselves capable of delivering both a good story AND scenes with naked busty babes.
Also included on this DVD is a bonus feature film: Vampire Call Girls. My advice is to fast-forward to all the Glori-Anne Gilbert scenes. Compared to The Witches of Breastwick, the production values in Vampire Call Girls are pretty bad, and the women aren’t all that attractive. But the Gilbert scenes are worth a watch.
Overall, you’re buying this disc for the T&A, and there’s just as much here as there is in Lust Connection. If you prefer story with your T&A, get Lust Connection first. But if you’re a breast man, you will absolutely want to get the perfectly-titled The Witches of Breatwick.
Squeeze Play
September 9, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Before they discovered the Toxic Avenger and changed the way low-budget horror movies were made, Troma was blazing trails in the romantic comedy arena. Seriously!
I don’t remember any of the character names, but basically this group of guys play on the company softball team every weekend, and their wives and girlfriends are feeling left out. As revenge, they organize their own team within the company and challenge the men to a game. The men laugh at this initially, but get worried that they’ll lose face if they refuse to play. Game on!
That’s about it storywise, but with this type of comedy it’s more about the individual scenes, and there are plenty of them to laugh at. No spoilers here, but I have to mention the scene with the third baseman at the end. This is a classic Troma moment.
There’s not too much T&A in this movie, but there’s enough to keep you satisfied. According to director Lloyd Kaufman’s book, the girls retaliated after shooting began and refused to do the T&A scenes. This prompted Troma to reorganize the way they shot nude scenes on their future productions, and now they shoot all their nude and sex scenes on the first day.
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth repeating to all you aspiring filmmakers out there. Just look at what happened with the lead character in Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls. The character is a stripper, but she never gets naked. What’s up with that?
Shoot the nude scenes first.
Anyway, I had fun watching Squeeze Play. It’s the kind of sexy, goofball comedy that we don’t see at the multiplex any more. Despite its sex and T&A scenes, this movie has a playful innocence that is sorely lacking in Hollywood. Check this one out and enjoy a less cynical, less ironic time in American culture.
Roxanna
September 9, 2005 | Leave a Comment
Seduction Cinema’s DVD release of Roxanna features two movies: the original version from 1970, and a remake from 2002 starring Misty Mundae. There’s this incredible theme song, but more on that later.
The remake runs a little over 30 minutes, but it is definitely the better of the two. Roxanna (Mundae) lives with her boyfriend, and their steady cocaine use has led to problems in the bedroom. Her boyfriend brings another woman (Jordan) into the house for the two of them to enjoy, but it’s Roxanna who ends sharing a bed with the stranger.
Roxanna continues her downward spiral with visits to her therapist (Joyce) and her coke dealer (Caine). Sure, there’s the usual lesbian sex scenes, but here they have added depth as Roxanna is clearly out of control. She has completely lost all compassion by the end of the movie, and her boyfriend comes to the realization that she’s become a shadow of her former self.
This is by far the best acting I’ve seen from Misty Mundae, and I really hope that she gets the chance to do more drama in the future. Considering the source material, Writer/Director Ted W. Crestview put together a really good movie. My only real complaint about the remake is that it’s too short. I could have easily kept watching for another 30 minutes.
The original version from 1970 is worth watching for the beautiful women, but there’s not much story. While there is a voiceover, it tends to be more confusing than anything. Just remember that it was shot in 1970, so everything you see is REAL.
There are plenty of great extras on this disc, including a bonus short film, an interview with grindhouse cinema historian “42nd Street Pete”, and a commentary track from Crestview, Mundae and Caine. There’s also the usual vault of trailers, which are always very entertaining to watch.
If not for the music, I would have rated this disc a solid four stars. However, I added an extra star because the soundtrack, especially the opening theme song, is just that damn good. Really. It plays when the menu comes up. It plays at the beginning of both movies, and variations of it play throughout both movies. And I have yet to get tired of it!
Fans of erotica who actually want a story to go along with their lesbian sex scenes should check out this DVD. And fans of Misty Mundae and Seduction Cinema who don’t already own this should definitely pick it up.
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Gun Play
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