Basic Instinct 2
March 31, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Basic Instinct 2 started off with promise, we have Sharon Stone driving really fast while a guy sits in the passenger seat pretty much oblivious to what’s going on. She seems to like this as she proceeds to suck on his finger, then moves it somewhere…uhh… south. The car crashes, dude drowns, and she’s in trouble with the law again. This happens in the opening scene so I didn’t just ruin anything for you.
At this point the movie starts to lose steam rapidly. Go ahead and set your alarm for 30 minutes later. At that point we get our first glimpse of nudity, a hot little number getting freaky but no, it’s not Sharon so go back to sleep. Set the alarm for another 30 minutes ahead when you’ll finally get to see one of Sharon’s breasts. Yeah, just one for now.
You’ll want to catnap for the next 15 minutes or so until she comes back on screen getting freaky herself where you’ll see the rack and some backside. Then go back to sleep for another 15. At that point pay attention cause you’ll get a good shot of Sharon in a hottub and man o man does she look good for her age.
You’re only gonna see her rack though so don’t get too excited.
What? This review too one dimensional for you? Yeah, like you shelled out money for the plot. My job is to warn you to stay away from this movie. It’s boring and the level of nudity and sex appeal is nowhere near what was promised by the trailers. The plot tries way too hard to keep you guessing and becomes annoying after the first few scenes.
I almost gave this movie 2 stars just because there was some skin in it, and there is actually a twist at the end that I didn’t completely see coming. However, there has to be an unrated directors cut DVD being readied for store shelves this summer so I highly recommend that you pass on spending any money at this time. Just hold out a little longer and maybe there will be enough skin on the DVD to justify that second star.
Won’t take long to find out once it’s released as there’s no way I’m sitting all the way through this crap again. The FF button will be my friend.
Popularity: 17% [?]
Joe Cartoon: Greatest Hits #1
March 31, 2006 | Leave a Comment
If you’ve been on the internet for any length of time, you’ve probably been sent an email with a link to one of the ultra-violent (in a GOOD way) animated shorts on the Joe Cartoon site. Though none of them are as well known as, say, the Hamster Dance, several of them have achieved a lot of notoriety. The two that immediately come to mind as “classics” are Frog in a Blender, Joe Fish, Gerbil in a Microwave and Look at my Monkey.
All of these are present on a new DVD coming out soon as well as the entire lineup of animated shorts and interactive cartoons from the archives of JoeCartoon.com. This is great, right? Well, kinda. Buying the Joe Cartoon DVD is a lot like buying a CD from a “one hit wonder” band. You buy it for that one GREAT song you keep hearing on the radio and, when you play the CD all the way through, you discover that the other 9 songs are…not so good. Such is the case here. The classic stuff of Joe Cartoon is must-see material, but once you’ve seen all of these rarities, the rest of the DVD just seems like filler. Most of whats there is just not “ready for prime time,” as it were.
Another question that comes up for me is….why? I mean, what market is there for a DVD of internet short animations? Is it intended for non-internet savvy people so that they can experience the humor of Joe Cartoon? That certainly is the first thing that comes to mind. But it is my belief that a non-internet savvy person probably wouldn’t “get” the stuff here. I’m just trying to picture some white trash single mom looking at new DVDs at the local Wal Mart and find this one. “Whut the HAY-yull is this?!?”, would likely be the response. I guess there might be a few Joe Cartoon aficionados out there who might want to have these handy for when they wanted to view them. But even if so, wouldn’t it be easier just to click a link the load a DVD?
That being said, however, you can’t deny the humor and cathartic violence found here in the classics. If you’ve never seen Joe Cartoon, this might be a worthy pickup for your collection. Besides, if you don’t get it, I hear the gerbil is going to come over to your house, flip you off with both hands and open up a can of whoopass on you. He’s just that kind of gerbil.
Popularity: 24% [?]
Dead & Breakfast
March 30, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Dead & Breakfast is the type of zombie movie that polarizes fans of the genre. They will either love it or hate it.
The movie starts off with six friends driving down the highway in a camper, headed to their friend’s wedding. They get lost and end up in a small town, and are forced to stay the night at a local Bed & Breakfast. Then things go terribly awry.
I’ll leave you with that setup so you can enjoy the movie spoiler-free. Okay, one quick spoiler: there are line-dancing zombies.
I actually hated D&B for the first thirty minutes or so. I felt the movie was trying to be all things to all horror fans: funny, scary, gory and ironic. The movie wasn’t committing to any of these recognized styles of horror storytelling, and it was quickly becoming a sloppy mish-mash with no identity.
But at some point, I began to appreciate the movie for its hodge-podge of styles. It was probably during the country/rap song “I’m Comin’ To Kill Ya”, which was accompanied by the aforementioned zombie line-dancing. (I guess saying zombie line-dancing is redundant, since line-dancing is a pretty zombie-like activity.)
By the last third of the movie, the story has gone completely over-the-top, with gore that rivals Evil Dead and even Dead Alive at times. At this point I had fully embraced the movie and was loving every second of it. When the credits rolled, I was ready to watch it again. (And I did.)
On the DVD box cover, a quote compares this movie to Shaun of the Dead. I think they are completely different movies. They both have zombies and they’re both one helluva ride, but that’s where the comparison ends for me.
If you’re not a horror purist and you like fun mixed in with your zombie movies, Dead & Breakfast is a DVD you absolutely must own.
Popularity: 16% [?]
Inside Man
March 29, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Inside Man is the kind of movie that generates more questions for the movie goer than finding a used condom wrapper in your wife’s purse. Director Spike Lee set out to produce a crime-drama/thriller with a very intricate plot and has, without a doubt, succeeded. A complicated, intricate plot can, if not handled properly, turn a movie into a real mess. You have to be able to unravel it with deliberate precision. You can’t give in to the temptation to give away key points too soon. Likewise, you have to fight the opposite temptation to keep your audience in the dark and let them figure everything out themselves.
In this, Lee has done a fantastic job. The story is suitably complex so as to prevent easy guessing up front as to what is happening. Clues (and red herrings) are thrown out periodically to help prod your mind in certain directions.
What seems like a well-planned robbery of an old, established bank quickly appears to take a turn for the worse. A hostage situation ensues and, like many movies with similar beginnings, the robbers make demands. But the demands don’t seem right. Did the robbers suddenly lose 50 IQ points each? Do they have a hidden agenda? Is there a third party tinkering the works? Denzel Washington is Detective Keith Frazier, the hostage negotiator stand-in who is sent to the scene to answer these questions and help ensure a happy ending.
There are a zillion other intriguing questions that pop up along the way and they all play out like a bunch of criss-crossing, falling dominoes. Lee uses several techniques including interjecting interviews with hostages (taken after everything is over with) into the story as it unfolds. It can be a bit jarring to switch timelines suddenly, but I got used to it quickly and looked forward to them after a while so I could glean other details.
The movie isn’t without faults, however. It does get a bit slow in places, but not overly so. Probably the worst problem with the movie is the lack of detail on the backgrounds of the prime characters. Jodie Foster’s character pops into view as some kind of major power broker. But we are never given a clue as to how she came to be the person she is. And her part of the movie is pretty weak and, ultimately, not necessary. Then there is Clive Owen’s character. We have his name (Dalton Russell) and his supposed motives, but we are never given even one iota of history for him.
Ultimately, however, these are pretty minor criticisms given the overall merits of the movie. With the great story and magnificent performances, you won’t much care about any flaws you might notice.
Popularity: 15% [?]
The Triangle
March 27, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Sometimes in life you are either disappointed or pleasantly surprised. Most of the time, however, things do actually happen much as you expect them to. This is what experience gives us – the ability to predict how something will turn out. So it was with the Sci-Fi Channel original DVD mini-series “The Triangle”.
If you only look at the people behind this effort, you would tend to expect something quite good. Co-writers Bryan Singer, Dean Devlin and Rockne S. O’Bannon all have decent-to-exceptional projects in their respective pasts. As well, many of the actors have quite a track record. Specifically, Sam Neill, Eric Stoltz and Lou Diamond Phillips are well established. As well, Catherine Bell is a talented veteran of both TV and the movies. It also doesn’t hurt that she’s hotter than a 2-dollar whore on Saturday night!
But you need to look deeper. Tapped to direct this project was Craig R. Baxley. “Who?!?”, you might ask. Good question. Let me jog your memory for you. Baxley is a former stunt man and stunt coordinator who broke into directing. We have him to thank for such memorable…things such as Action Jackson, I Come In Peace, Stone Cold (starring Brian Bosworth!), and Sniper II. He’s no Uwe Boll, but he’s also not Martin Scorcese either.
All in all, I figured this would be a fairly safe, watchable, but unmemorable show…and I was dead on with my prediction. So much so, in fact, that right after it was over, I dashed right out to buy a lottery ticket.
The story starts out with a very intriguing opening sequence involving Christopher Columbus as he traveled through the Bermuda Triangle. Soon after we’re treated to another eye-opening scene with Phillips’ character involving a boat he’s piloting for Greenpeace and the whaling ship they are harassing. Then out of the blue comes billionaire Eric Benirall (Neill). He is quite the eccentric sort and he has called together four people with very specific skills in order to pay them LUDICROUS amounts of money to find out what makes the Bermuda Triangle tick. There is a trouble-making deep sea oil rig engineer (Bell), a washed up tabloid reporter (Stoltz), a washed up psychic (Davison), and an extreme sports loving meteorologist (Michael Rodgers). This rag-tag group then sets out to discover the truth behind the mystery that is the triangle.
It was a promising start but, alas, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. There is a pretty annoying and mostly unnecessary sub-plot involving Phillips’ character and, as the mysteries are revealed, everything quickly loses its luster and becomes rather mundane (as sci-fi goes). But I was ok with that since Ms. Bell is the hottest MILF I’ve ever laid eyes on. Every scene she is in is a scene that I only half paid attention to. I was too busy concentrating on those gorgeous eyes of hers and that firm body to fully pay attention. But even so, I’m confident I didn’t miss anything important.
By the time the end came, everything was wrapped up individually in a nice package and I found it all quite boring. It has all the earmarks of a great idea that fizzled out along the way and no one could figure out how to live up to the imagination shown in the first part. It wasn’t badly done, but it just lacked creativity.
In short, it’s a pretty average sci-fi series that will help you kill a few hours.
Popularity: 15% [?]
Stay Alive
March 24, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Stay Alive is one of the stupidest movies I’ve seen in a long time, just writing the review is causing me to lose IQ points, so I’ll make it brief.
There’s this videotape that if you watch it.. wait, wrong movie. There’s this video game, that if you play it and die you’ll end up dying in real life just like you did in the game. Even if that means getting hit by a 19th century horse drawn carriage, doesn’t matter, you’re gonna buy the farm.
But wait, what if you’ve got friends playing with you! And what if you’re not playing but a friend is and you get in trouble.. say.. caught in a tight space and need a crowbar. Not a problem, just have your friend drop one in the game and *poof*, you’ve got one in real life.
So. Utterly. Stupid.
This movie has nothing going for it, there’s barely even a hint that the eventual unrated DVD will contain any naughty bits, just more blood. The acting is OK I suppose, I didn’t really notice so that’s gotta be a good sign. The story though, I just can’t get past the story.
And the graphics! Yes, the movie switches into “game mode” numerous times so you’re forced to watch a fake video game.
So. Utterly. Stupid.
I usually like Frankie Muniz, but even he’s lame in this movie. Lame in a “Wesley Crusher-I-can-explain-everything” sort of way. As I said, it has nothing going for it. I’ll give it 1 star because I didn’t walk out, and I can’t give 0 stars anyway.
Popularity: 15% [?]
Find Me Guilty
March 22, 2006 | Leave a Comment
So Vin Diesel wants to still be making movies when he’s in his 60’s and 70’s. Who does he think he is? Sean Connery? While making the publicity rounds, Diesel had said that, while action movies are great, this movie would be the one that kept him acting even into old age.
Eh, maybe it will. In Sidney Lumet’s “Find Me Guilty,” Diesel tries out his big dramatic acting chops. He gained about 25 extra pounds and wore makeup that made him out to be a mid-40’s kinda guy. He portrays real-life gangster Giacomo DiNorscio who is on trial with 20 or so of his “family” members in what was at the time the longest Mafia trial in U.S. history.
At the time of the trial, DiNorscio was already in prison serving a thirty year drug sentence, but when a federal prosecutor comes knocking with an offer to get him out of jail if he testifies against his compadres, he refuses. DiNorscio was nothing if not loyal to the bitter end. To make things even more interesting, he decided he wanted to defend himself. And, boy howdy!, did he ever do that.
Most of the movie takes place in the courtroom with a few sidebars into DiNorscios life back in prison. It doesn’t matter where he is, though. DiNorscio was a very happy-go-lucky guy and very funny to be around. Despite his seedy past, he would definitely have been a guy to party with. In front of the court, however, his antics weren’t very popular, especially with the judge (Silver) and the head of his own crime family.
Diesel does a decent job portraying the older wiseguy. He looked like he was gunning for an Oscar nomination here, but he didn’t quite hit the mark. But quite a few people will certainly agree that his acting skills are better than they would have guessed. Include me in that list, too.
Popularity: 14% [?]
LolliLove
March 22, 2006 | Leave a Comment
LolliLove is the uplifting story of a successful Hollywood couple, Jenna and James Gunn, who make the decision to give something back to the community. They raise the money from corporate sponsors and launch the new charity “LolliLove”, and their goal is to distribute lollipops to homeless people. But these aren’t just any lollipops. These lollipops have special wrappers that feature uplifting messages and James’s custom-designed artwork.
This mockumentary is actually pretty short (just over an hour), and if I say much more than that I’ll end up spoiling some of the scenes. But I thought it was one of the better mockumentaries I’ve seen that didn’t have Christopher Guest’s names in the credits. I hope the filmmakers take that as a compliment, as most movies in the mockumentary genre tend to suck.
The acting and most of the scenes played out very naturally. Although some of the scenes seemed a bit contrived, but they didn’t overstay their welcome. And kudos to Peter Alton for his excellent editing of this movie. (Poor editing is usually the downfall of most mockumentaries I’ve seen.)
LolliLove was directed and co-written by Jenna Fischer, who is best known for her role as “The Girl” on NBC’s version of The Office. Jenna stars in Lollilove with her husband, James Gunn, who is best known for being the screenwriter on the two Scooby-Doo movies and the Dawn of the Dead remake. Gunn also wrote and directed Slither, which is due in theaters next week.
Most surprising of all is that this movie is being distributed by Troma Studios. Sure, James Gunn has a long-standing connection with Troma. (He wrote the screenplay for Tromeo and Juliet back in the 90’s.) And Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman appears in LolliLove as “Father Lloyd” and delivers one of his best acting performances ever, providing marriage counseling for Jenna and James.
But there’s nothing Tromatic about LolliLove. In fact, the movie could even be called “cute”. Perhaps Troma is trying to expand their horizons a bit. If so, I think they’ve picked a winner. This disc is packed with extras, including an entertaining “Making of” featurette and visits to the set of Slither by Kaufman and Debbie Rochon.
There have been reports that both Amazon and Troma quickly sold through their initial shipments of LolliLove. So if you’re a fan of mockumentaries, you’ll definitely want to reserve your copy of this funny little movie today.
Popularity: 16% [?]
V for Vendetta
March 14, 2006 | Leave a Comment
V for Vendetta is the latest from the Wachowski brothers. Being huge fans of the brothers’ Matrix movies, when we heard about Vendetta we were almost as excited as we get when we see a cute asian babe in a short dress. We had to have some sumo wrestling matches out behind the office to decide who would get to go to the press screening.
So did it meet expectations? Well, that’s a more complicated answer than usual because this is a more complicated movie than typically comes out of Hollywood these days. If you see some of the fight scenes in the trailer and rush into the theater expecting constant fights and action like The Matrix, you’re going to be disappointed. Sure, there’s action, but this almost qualifies more as a drama than action.
V for Vendetta is set in the near future, 40-50 years out in England. Wars and rampant viruses have left the country in a locked down environment with a tyrannical government. Enter a character known only as “V”. V wears a mask, a hat, a very spiffy suit and has almost superhuman speed. When it comes to fighting he uses blades and martial arts. V is a revolutionary to the people and a terrorist to the powers that be. He wants to remind people that government should fear the people instead of the other way around.
The description may sound like an action flick, but there are only a handful of true action scenes. They are great, but the story is one that unfolds slowly, you learn more of the back story as the movie goes on. And this is very much a political movie with a message. The movie manages to deliver it’s message in a very entertaining and well done manner without blatently preaching to us.
V himself also has a sense of style that is hard not to like. This isn’t your typical muscled up super hero with the witty one liners. No, V is more prone to quote Shakespeare and speaks with a rhythm that is quite poetic. He’s cool in a style that I cant immediately recall in any previous movie.
We’re giving V for Vendetta 4 stars, but it is an extremely strong 4 stars. This is a movie I’d recommend to everyone. The only reason it doesn’t get that 5th star is because we really dont think this is a movie that will get repeat viewing. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but it’ll have to be long enough for me to have forgotten large chunks of the story in order for me to want to see it again. I would liken it to The Sixth Sense. Great movie, but once you’ve seen it and know the story it loses much of what made it special in repeat viewings.
Popularity: 15% [?]
The Hills Have Eyes
March 11, 2006 | Leave a Comment
The story opens in an old gas station in the middle of the New Mexico desert. Marvin From Die Hard 2 is now the owner of the above-mentioned gas station and apparently does business with the locals to help make ends meet. But, due to a difference of opinion he no longer wishes to continue his arrangement and tells them he just can’t do it anymore. This is all very confusing if you have never seen the original but the gist of it goes a little something like this; Marvin waits for travelers that are either lost or looking for the ‘scenic route’ to come by and he gives them a shortcut to save time. This is no shortcut at all, it’s a one-way ticket to dinner and they aren’t the guests they’re the main course. The hills he sends these unsuspecting travelers into is riddled with nuclear radiated cannibal miners and they trade the victims belongings to Marvin in exchange for more food. Which is to say anyone that drives by… It’s sort of a symbiotic relationship.
Anywhoo, this particular day he tells the messenger Ruby, that he can’t do it anymore and they have to leave him in peace and find their own dinner from now on. Of course he knows this will not end well for him so he goes inside and waits for the impending attack from his former business associates.
Along comes the Carter and Bukowski families, who are on their way to Sunny California; but first they need to fill up and get directions. Big Bob (Levine) is driving cross-country with his wife, son Bobby (Byrd), daughter Brenda (de Ravin), other daughter Lynne, his son-in-law Doug (Stanford) and grand-daughter Catherine, for what he calls a family vacation. The rest of the group disagrees but that’s all part of the story and it’s necessary. The more people in the RV, the more dead bodies later – which is what we call a good thing!
Marvin fills up the tank and gives Big Bob the directions to the freeway and is about to go back inside when he hears someone inside his house. He catches older daughter Lynne looking in his payoff bag, he asks her what she’s doing and tells her to get out. Lynne makes an excuse about the dog and heads back out to join the rest of the gang and be on their way. But just as the SUV starts to pull away, Marvin stops them and offers different directions, a sort of shortcut if you will and that’s when the real fun begins.
The movie rocks but I have to stop now or else I will give away too much and then there won’t be a reason to drop your hard earned cash and see it for yourself. The gore is off the charts, the lighting and music are perfect and the acting (for what it is) is very solid but there are a couple of glitches that keeps it from getting 5 stars. These are tiny and if we offered a half star this movie would get it.
I raved about Alexandre Aja’s French film High Tension and this is an excellent American debut. More money, means more blood, and better blood. Aja spent it well! The guy knows how to do horror and if these first 2 films are any indication, he will only get better. If there’s a sequel he has to bring Michael Berryman back, even if it’s just for a 10 second cameo! If he does that and stays true to this film, he will get my 5th star for sure.
Popularity: 15% [?]
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