Hostel
April 30, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Hostel is a throwback to good old fashioned film making, horror movie style! Forget about computer generated blood, this one uses props when they want to remove an appendage.
The plot is straightforward. Josh and Paxton are a couple of American college kids taking a backpacking trip through Europe. Along with an Icelander named Oli that they met during their travels they are finishing up their trip in Amsterdam and are looking for a few more hot babes to hang out with. After getting locked out of their hostel a local dude lets them crash at his place for the evening, and upon learning that they really just want some Euro-tail he tells them how to get to a town in Slovakia which is famous for hot and easy girls.
Did I mention the HOT GIRLS? I saw more boobs in the first 30 minutes of this movie than I did at the movies all last year. We’re not talking flabby ones either, these are the perkiest that money can buy.
Anyway, back to the story. The boys find the hostel and are pleased to find it’s every bit as lovely as they’d been told. Heck, their roommates are a couple of fine babes… how could they not score? I’ll go ahead and remove the suspense.. they get laid. Duh!
After the first night Josh and Paxton are a bit worried though as Oli sends them a message via SMS that he’s going home. Oli is a party animal though and Josh with his keen American detective skills (no doubt honed from hours watching Magnum PI and Miami Vice) doesn’t quite believe he left. But there are hot babes to keep him distracted and you know Americans love hot babes.
Turns out that in a country torn by poverty and war, you can get anything you want if you’re willing to pay the price… anything. Mail-order brides? Eh, that’s for wimps. But if you’d like to take a hatchet to a mail-order bride then this little town can hook you up!
Hostel is exceptionally violent, but even so they obviously held back with the gore a bit to keep the R rating. That’s not to say it’s not gory as hell, it earns every bit of the full rating on our Blood/Gore scale, I just think there’s more to be seen on the future DVD release. Another thing unusual, I never found myself flinching when something violent would happen and I’m not sure why. I know I’m not that jaded (I still can’t watch the hammer scene in Old Boy), there was just something about Hostel that made me a bit too detached to care what happened to the characters. Maybe I just needed more popcorn.
This is NOT a date movie unless you have the VERY rare girlfriend that doesn’t mind copious amounts of nudity, blood, and some vicious torture scene. Most women would walk out of this movie and you wouldn’t be getting any for a month. If that happens though, I know of this hostel you can visit…
Popularity: 22% [?]
A Real Young Girl
April 28, 2006 | Leave a Comment
A Real Young Girl is a really strange movie. I’m pretty sure there’s supposed to be some deep meaning hidden amongst the nudity and strangeness, but all I got was a bit of a creepy feeling.
There’s not a lot of story here, but the premise is a 14-year old girl named Alice is home for the summer from boarding school. She’s starting to think about sex, and things sexually related, but doesn’t quite have a handle on what it all means yet. So this is a coming of age movie… with worms.
Since none of you will be watching this movie for the plot, why don’t I just detail a few of the scenes so you can get a flavor for the movie.
- Alice is at school, playing with herself. She writes her name on a mirror with her finger. She’s not using ink.
- She vomits on herself, likes the smell, and proceeds to write in her diary without cleaning up.
- Alice fantasizes about being naked, spread eagle on the ground secured with barbed wire. The guy she likes fondles her vagina, tries to put a huge earthworm in there and when he can’t, he breaks the worm into small bits and puts it in her pubic hair. This is filmed close up. Yeah.
- Alice buggers herself with a suntan lotion bottle (not done graphically.)
- She kisses her dad a bit too much on the cheek throughout the movie, and in one scene he has his Frank n’ Beans out when she does it. This might have been in her head, I’m not sure.
- She puts feathers up her bum and crawls around a beach with her butt up in the air acting like a rooster.
Get any deep meaning from that or did you get a creepy feeling? That’s not a complete list from the movie, but it’s certainly enough to get the point across. The best thing about the movie is that since it’s subtitled you can watch it in FF and not miss any of the plot. Not that’s there’s much of a plot to miss.
I’m giving it 2 stars based on the amount of graphic nudity, but I really can’t suggest anyone watch this unless they’re really hard up for some entertainment. If you just want some skin, go surf the web.
Popularity: 36% [?]
Wolf Creek
April 26, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Wolf Creek is a hard movie to rate because on one hand, it is so sloooowwww you need a caffeine drip to stay awake for the first hour. But then the last 30 minutes ranks right up there with Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original that is) in the way the director gives you the feeling that this could really happen or in the case of Mick Taylor; Still be happening! Very tough to decide indeed!
The movie is essentially an Australian urban legend about a whacked out outbacker that traps, hunts and kills unsuspecting hikers and tourists stranded in the middle of nowhere at an old crater called Wolf Creek. Of course you will need to throw in a healthy amount of torture and taunting, but once you do you’ve got ya’self a right nasty bugga. You can tell by the basic plot that as a viewer it would be very easy to imagine how terrifying such a predicament really would be if you were in their shoes. This is the biggest strength of this movie, much like the Blair Witch Project years ago. The build up is only there to drag you into the story and once they have you, they can reveal the juicy finish. Wolf Creek is perfect if that is the kind of horror movie you enjoy… Of course there’s also the torture and rape that goes with it, which doesn’t work for me.
Long gone are the days that you have a huge body count and the slasher systematically plow’s through each victim one after the other until only one survives to kill the maniac. This latest batch of horror movies are going for something a bit more visceral and cruel, which I think is a bit over the top. Directors like Craig McLean and Eli Roth (Hostel) aren’t making movies you can walk out the theatre and say that was a pretty good movie, but that could never happen. No, they are creating killers and circumstances under the pretense that it is based on factual material dragging you the viewer right where they want you. I like the slasher genre, absolutely hate the Japo imports (see Grudge and Dark Water) but I am not a huge fan of the new torture movie craze. Slow plot’s that lead up to some poor chick getting skewered or burned until her eye pops out… No thanks!
The acting in this movie is OK and the story takes a couple of turns but overall it is too much bread not enough meat. Mick Taylor is more like Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy than Jason Voorhees or Leatherface, and if I wanted that kind of realism I’d watch Forensic Files on A&E. I prefer ignorant bliss and escapism!
Popularity: 19% [?]
Silent Hill
April 24, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Silent Hill is the worst 4 star movie I think I’ve ever seen. The first hour was mind-numbingly boring and the ending was a total WTF?! moment. So why give it a 4 star rating? Because when it’s good, it’s REALLY good.
The basic setup has a mom trying to figure out why her adopted daughter keeps sleep walking herself into dangerous situation. To make it worse, as she’s waking up she says “Silent Hill” then proceeds to thrash around like she’s having a seizure.
So Rose does what any good mother would do, she investigates Silent Hill (praise Google!) and finds out it’s an abandoned mining town in West Virginia. Better yet, it’s a haunted town that still has fires burning underground (that’s ash in the previews, not snow.) At this point the solution to her daughters problems is simple, hop in the Jeep and drive to the haunted/abandoned/burning town, and make sure you get there at night! Could someone please explain to me why she thought this would be a good idea? This some kind of “face your fears” BS? Seriously, this is so utterly stupid you’ll want to leave the theater, and it won’t be the last time you feel that urge.
She eventually finds herself trying to outrun a cop (urge to leave again) on the road to Silent Hill. She’s driving too fast and ends up wrecking the Jeep when she swerves to avoid a child in the road, knocking herself unconscious in the process. When she wakes up her daughter Sharon is gone, so Rose walks into town to find her. I gotta tell you, this is one huge mining town.. a very nice main street, a large school, and a huge hotel.. all very realistic for a mining town (time for the urge.)
She hears bells, and everything goes dark.
Fortunately she has a screwed up Zippo lighter that’s putting out way too large of a flame, but that allows her to walk around without being blind. Yeah, I was getting picky at this point, but I was bored to tears. At least something cool was about to happen. Kids, or.. maybe they were kids. In any case some really screwed up creature/kids start chasing her around in the dark and then suddenly… it’s light again, and they are all gone.
Rose is freaking out, but she’s hell bent on finding Sharon so she keeps looking. While she’s running around town we’re treated to a soundtrack that sounds like someone hitting old steel equipment with a hammer. I know it was suppose to sound “industrial”, but that urge came over me again.
Time to stop talking about the story so much and get to the good stuff, the visuals. There’s a creature in Silent Hill called Pyramid Head, and he’s got a very big knife… and a pyramid for a head. No idea why, but it looks cool. Around the time Pyramid Head made an appearance it struck me that I was being reminded of Hellraiser II, and I love that movie. It wasn’t any one particular thing that did it for me, it was just an overall feeling of how weird the creatures were and cool the visuals were becoming. The people-roaches were a nice touch as well.
By now the movie had moved from a 1-star suck fest to a 3-star effects festival. Enter Christabella (Alice Krige). She’s the sort of “Christian” that likes to ban Harry Potter books from libraries because she’s offended, and if you don’t agree with her then you’re going straight to hell. Zealot, Close-minded, Know-it-all, Bitch… and many other words that I can’t use in this review. Suffice it to say I didn’t like her or what she stood for. Somehow her and her followers have survived in Silent Hill by running into their church when the darkness comes. If you don’t run fast enough, then you were a sinner and deserve anything Pyramid Head might do to you. Praise and Hallelujah! A character this annoying just had to result in a spectacular whuppin.
When it happened I was pleased. 5 star pleased, a 6th if we had it. That’s my excuse for the 4 stars and I’m sticking with it. The visuals deserve to be seen on a big screen, and that scene is worth the ticket price alone. I’d recommend sleeping through the first hour, and leaving just before the end. That way you’ll be treated to a 5 star movie. Sure, it’ll be a little confusing doing that, but you’ll be confused anyway so don’t worry about it.
Silent Hill earns it’s R rating with gusto, there’s more blood in here than anything I’ve seen in a long time. The gore is top notch in an over the top manner. I’m comparing it to Hellraiser II, that should tell you something. If you like horror movies then go see this one immediately. If not, just wait for the DVD and watch the good parts. Unless you don’t like blood.. in that case, stay away.. far away.
Popularity: 20% [?]
The Sentinel
April 23, 2006 | Leave a Comment
The following review took place between 10:00 pm and 12:00 am on April 21st 2006…. (insert little staticy noises and beep-boop beep-boop…)
The Sentinel, is a story about an aging secret service agent named Pete Garrison (Douglas) that is being framed for the attempted assassination of the President and the agents former protege David Breckenridge (Sutherland) that is leading the investigation. Oh, and Keifer is breaking in a new partner named Jill Marin (Longoria), that looks up to Pete as her idol, and believes beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is inncoent and being framed. That will sum up the gist of the plot for you but it has a few decent swerves – Nothing as complicated as ‘24′ but OK for a movie starring Michael Douglas.
The coolest thing in my opinion about this movie is the sort of behind the scenes stuff involving the day to day security surrounding the President and First Lady. At the beginning of the movie the President is on his way to speak to a group of kids at an Elementary School, and you get a first hand look (as far as Hollywood is concerned that is) at the level of security that this little 5 minute limo ride actually requires. I am not sure how much of it was accurate but it seemed like it would be pretty close to reality and I found it raised my expectations.
So anyway, on to the movie, or in this case… Not. The problem with a movie like this is you can’t say a whole lot or you will spoil too much so I will leave the synopsis at the top and just tell you this; If you are a fan of 24 OR, you can suspend disbelief so much that you still believe Michael Douglas is a spry 40 something doing action scenes, then definitely go see this movie. You will not be disappointed. However, if you are looking for a movie riddled with so many twists and turns that you have no idea which side is up by the time the credits roll (like a good season of 24), do not see it. The Sentinel is a good movie but if you pay attention to what is going on you will know who the mole is in the first 20 minutes and from that point you’re just waiting for Jack Bauer to bust the bad guy, clear his old friends name and save the day.
I liked it and when it comes out on DVD I will add it to my collection where it will sit proudly beside the In the Line of Fire and my wifes copy of the Bodyguard… there’s a theme here people so don’t read too much into it.
Popularity: 19% [?]
Scary Movie 4
April 15, 2006 | Leave a Comment
I love David Zucker’s movies but the problem with parodies is the hit and miss factor. You never know when a joke just won’t work and you will be sitting there wondering when this nightmare will end and the movie will get back to being funny. This unfortunately is a common occurrence in Zucker’s films and Scary Movie 4 is no exception. Zucker is a genius at what he does, so he always manages to pull you back in just when you get near the brink of walking out and demanding a refund. Airplane, Naked Gun, Top Secret… the list goes on all have one common thread. Serious genres in the film industry get turned on their ear, and whether they like it or not, they get to see how utterly ridiculous most of their major plot points really are, and we get to laugh at them for it.
Scary Movie 4 primarily chooses War of The Worlds, The Grudge, The Village, Saw, Brokeback Mountain and even Oscar winner Million Dollar Baby to rake over the coals this time around. If you have seen any of these films you already know how easy it would be to call shenanigans on some of the things we as movie goers get all ga-ga about from them, and the team of Zucker and Abrahams manage to pull it off for the most part masterfully.
The movie starts off with a parody of the 2004 hit ‘Saw’ that involves Shaq and Dr. Phil. Jigsaw has chained them to the floor and given them 2 minutes to get free or else they die. Just like the original Saw, the director scans the room showing you the trap, the exit and the painful solution that awaits his victims. The trap here is a room filled with deadly nerve gas; The exit is a syringe filled with antidote; and the solution is to throw a rock through a basketball hoop that will drop 2 saws from the ceiling… you know the rest. Shaq and Dr Phil are really good during this scene and the fact that Shaq can poke fun at his free throw skills is pretty darn funny in it’s own right.
Cindy (Faris) and Brenda (Hall) go on a journey to find the answer to stopping the invasion, using key plot points from The Grudge, The Village and Million Dollar Baby, while hero Tom Ryan (Bierko) brings to light the ridiculousness of War of the Worlds. Last but not least there is an ongoing subplot parodying Brokeback Mountain (we can only assume these jokes are parodies, we did not see it… nor will we) involving Anthony Anderson and DeRay Davis. Pretty funny stuff and I was entertained for almost the full 83 minutes… Almost being the key word here.
The movie is riddled with cameos from Carmen Electra and Chris Elliot to Leslie Nielson. Cloris Leachman and Charlie Sheen to Mike Tyson – And with the exception of the ending… a WAY, WAY overdone parody of the infamous Tom (I really am straight, I swear) Cruise on the Oprah (I’m still a fat heifer but I have good effects people) Winfrey’s show, everything worked. This segment could have been a deleted scene on the DVD or better still could have been left out completely. I hated it and it F’d up the entire flow, which dropped the score down to a solid three. I really wanted to give it 4 and the Shaq/Dr Phil scene alone should have gotten it 4, but crap is crap – Thus the 3.
The gags are overdone at times and most of them could have been 2 to 3 minutes shorter but overall I liked this movie. The one bad thing about this franchise is that it will probably never end because Hollywood will continue to produce crap that can be made fun of. Good thing Zucker will be here to capitalize on it.
Popularity: 21% [?]
Sexy American Idle
April 6, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Let me start by saying I hate American Idol with a passion. That show embodies everything that is wrong with the entertainment industry today. No one has to pay their dues or learn their craft in order to land a recording contract any more. Raw talent, good looks and Simon Cowell’s blessing is all it takes.
With this attitude, you can imagine how eager I was to see how ei Cinema would spoof American Idol. Misty Mundae was great in some of their other spoofs that I’d seen (Spiderbabe and Play-Mate of the Apes), and I figured she could do a hilarious portrayal of Cowell or any one of his moronic sidekicks.
Sexy American Idle is funny some of the time, but I felt it missed the mark a bit. The movie is set during a big talent competition in Northeast Westover, and basically follows the American Idol format with egotistical judges, openly-homosexual hosts and untalented contestants.
But rather than really going after the “institution” that American Idol has become in our pop culture, ei Cinema chooses to go the slapstick route. I got the feeling that the dialogue was mostly improvised, and that’s why many of the jokes don’t work. The performances from the contestants, as horrible as they are, actually provide the most entertainment.
The cast is a veritable who’s who from other ei Cinema/Seduction Cinema productions, and it appears as though they had a lot of fun making this movie. Mundae is wasted as a supporting character, although she does get to sing a few times. I would have preferred to see her as one of the leads.
Julian Wells manages to shine throughout the movie as she plays three different characters, all of which are unique and different from roles she usually plays. Wells has a lot of potential as an actress (she was great in Bite Me!), and I look forward to seeing her do more work outside of the world of erotica.
I had to keep reminding myself that I was watching the “R” rated version of this movie. Things would start to get interesting… girls would start kissing and getting naked… and then there would be a quick cut to the next scene. D’oh! Fortunately for me, the DVD box includes a postcard that can mailed in for a free copy of the Unrated version. (I mailed mine off this morning.)
As an “R” rated movie, I’d probably only give Sexy American Idle two stars. But with the added lesbian lovin’ and gratuitous T&A that will undoubtedly appear on the Unrated disc, I’ll add another star.
Popularity: 44% [?]
The Gingerdead Man
April 4, 2006 | Leave a Comment
If you’re a fan of Charles Band and the movies he produces for Full Moon Pictures, you probably already own this movie. If you don’t know anything about it, I’ve got six words for you: Gary Busey is The Gingerdead Man. Don’t waste time reading this review. Go ahead and click on the link above to order it from Amazon.
If you’ve never seen a Full Moon movie, then The Gingerdead Man might be the perfect introduction for you. Be warned – the plots can be formulaic and the special effects are a bit cheesy. But Full Moon usually succeeds by delivering a fresh concept with every new release (something lacking in most Hollywood releases.) And while these movies are produced on insanely low budgets, Charles Band consistently manages to create a professional-looking product. And sometimes, he lands a “big name” star like Gary Busey to be in his movies.
This movie begins with Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) robbing a small Diner-style restaurant. Sarah Leigh (Sydney) watches in horror as Findlemeyer guns down her father and brother. The police arrive before he shoots her.
We flash-forward ahead in time and learn that Findlemeyer was executed for the murders in the restaurant. Sarah’s mother became an alcoholic after the tragic event, so Sarah is single-handedly running the family bakery business. A package labeled “Gingerbread Mix” arrives at the back door, and Sarah immediately bakes a fresh batch of Gingerbread Man cookies. Little does she know that the mix includes the ashes of the recently cremated Findlemeyer!
That’s pretty much the setup. The Gingerbread Man finishes baking and all hell breaks loose. We see a few deaths and a dismemberment, and one poor guy gets possessed by The Gingerdead Man. Nothing too groundbreaking, just lots of mindless fun.
As for the DVD extras, there are some Full Moon trailers, a Blooper Reel, and a message from Charles Band. The Behind-the-Scenes featurette is short but informative, if for no other reason than to see footage of the original CGI version of The Gingerdead Man. (They ended up going with a puppet version, which works so much better.)
With another actor in the lead role, I’d probably only give this movie three stars. But since they cast a star like Gary Busey as The Gingerdead Man, I’m giving the movie an extra star. Get down to the store – as fast as you can – and buy yourself a copy of The Gingerdead Man. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Popularity: 19% [?]
Ice Age: The Meltdown
April 2, 2006 | Leave a Comment
Ice Age: The Meltdown picks up pretty much where the first film ends. The animals are enjoying their newly found safety from the ice in a big valley surrounded by a giant ice wall. All the little creatures spend their days lounging about and making fun of Sid (Leguizamo) (the sloth). Life is truly grand in the animal kingdom. Not that, any of that is a bad thing but as the old saying goes… All good things must come to an end.
The story is a very preachy tale to help familiarize children and some adults on the dangers of global warming. I’m sure you’re thinking that’s just my opinion but you’d be wrong because they even say it. Not the familiar part, the global warming part. They say it a LOT!
Manny (Romano), Diego (Leary) and Sid are on top of the ice wall and see for themselves that the ice is in fact melting so they gather the herd and start to leave their home to seek out a boat of sorts that the local vulture tells them about. I found this odd, as this would be counter productive to the vulture’s needs if everyone lives. Odd but it worked for the most part. The herd walks for a couple days and then through a few strange happenstances, Manny finds another Mammoth in the form of Ellie (Latifah). If you remember the first one, Manny believes there are more mammoths but everyone around tells him he’s the last of his kind. He was right and they were all wrong, and we get to see it, I feel tears again
The problem is Ellie thinks she’s an opossum and doesn’t believe she’s a mammoth. Do you see the wackiness coming from all directions? I can barely stop laughing long enough to type. So anyway, Ellie the mammoth along with her twin brothers that really are opossums, join Manny and head to safety. The story goes from here and from time to time I enjoyed myself but not enough to raise the score above 3 stars it’s getting. It could have been a 4 star movie if they’d focused more on the squirrel and less on the Ray Romano… I just don’t think the guys funny! I still wonder how he got a job in acting in the first place. Another mystery for another day but I digress.
The movie has a few decent jokes that kids won’t get right away so it works for adults too – in very small doses. The story is not as good as the original and had it not been for the parts with scrat the squirrel, I’d probably still be sleeping. Little kids that just loved it surrounded me and if you are a parent and want to see your kids smile and laugh, this movie works. If you are not a parent and you want to smile and laugh, just watch the trailers and shorts available on the net involving Scrat and save the 8 bucks.
Popularity: 21% [?]
Amityville Horror
April 1, 2006 | Leave a Comment
In 1979 The Amityville Horror made its debut in theatres, forever burning the image of that creepy house in kids minds from coast to coast. Did I mention I was one of those kids? The creepiest thing about the original was the fact that it was billed as a true story… not just the Defeo family being murdered, but the whole demonic possession part as well, which to a kid is a little too much to bare. I still hate that stinking house today, so I was not looking forward to seeing this remake at all. Normally I refuse to see remakes because they pale in comparison, not this one. I was just as creeped out seeing this version as I was back in the 70’s when I was dragged to see the original because my mom was afraid to see it alone. This might help you the readers understand why I’m so jaded.
On to the new one and enough about my mental state. The movie starts out with the murder of the Defeo family and the arrest of their 23 year old son for committing the crime. Ronald Defeo went room to room and shot his parents, 2 brothers and 2 sisters while they slept. He used a hunting rifle (very messy) and claimed later that he was commanded by a voice in his head to do it because his family had become demons. This happened in 1974 – Fast forward one year to 1975 where the newly married couple of George and Katherine Lutz purchase the house to begin a new life for themselves. It would seem the house was marked at what realtors would call a killer discount (I crack me up) and to purchase this house regardless of it’s history would be a dream come true for the new family.
Katherine has 3 kids from a previous marriage that George promises to love and protect as if they were his very own. You can laugh I did (see above). All goes well for about 6 hours and then the creepy kicks in. Clock radio’s playing that aren’t plugged in, the house is freezing even when you sit next to the furnace, and oh yeah A DEAD GIRL appears to be hanging from the light fixture while he and his lady are gettin’ it on. Little subtle details apparently because they don’t leave. The radio would have done it for me but not he Lutz’s, they need more proof. Their little girl Chelsea (sounds like a dogs name) makes friends with Jodi the youngest Defeo family member’s ghost, and the boys sleep in the same beds the brothers were killed in so you can see the house is very unhappy with it’s new guests. This goes on for about 28 more days and then the family gets the hint that they aren’t wanted. I personally wouldn’t have needed more than 2 hours. That sucker would have had another for sale sign out front, and I’d be outta there. I’m not chicken, I’m smart!
If you have seen the original you know the basic plot but the 2005 version goes a tad farther down creepy road by showing the murders and lots of close ups of the dead family, including the kids. So if you have issues with things like that, then stay away. If not give it a shot (more puns); just try not to watch it at 3:15 AM.
Coming from a long line of recent horror remakes that shouldn’t have been made, this one is equal to and in most cases superior to the original, so it’s worth the 90 minutes. Ryan Reynolds is funny as all hell in Blade Trinity but as George Lutz he is F’N great. Very strong acting from Reynolds and Melissa George has a perfect hiney… both of which are big positives here at MFG.
Popularity: 21% [?]
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