Tete and the Moon
February 26, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Let me start by saying the what will soon be quite obvious; this is a REALLY weird movie.
Tete is a 9 year old boy with self confidence issues. His family participates in the town tradition of building human pyramids, and he’s the “crown”, the kid who sits on the top. Unfortunately he gets a bit nervous when he gets near the apex and tends to either give up or cause the pyramid to fall. His father is quite competitive and yells up to him to grow some cojones and not to give up. Basically, the kid is stressed. To make matters worse he has a little brother on the way and he’s certain that his parents won’t have enough love to go around once the baby is born and he’ll get the short end of the stick.
Once his brother arrives, he discovers he was right all along. It seems that every time he turns around his mother is breast feeding the baby and shooing him away to do chores. He’s feeling dejected and needs comfort.. his conclusion is that he needs a breast of his own!
The story is told through the eyes of Tete, who really doesn’t understand anything at all about sex so this is in no way erotic to him, he’s just wanting some comfort. What’s really amusing is his misunderstandings on certain things.. such as where the milk comes from in the first place. I’d tell you, but it’s something you should really find out from watching the movie.
After a short search for his own breast to suckle, he sees Estrellita (Mathilda May) and quickly decides she’s got just what he needs (smart kid!) Estrellita and her husband are performers who travel around and do their act. She’s a ballet dancer, he’s… well…fartman. Seriously. Remember, I did say it was REALLY weird. Tete isn’t the only guy after what Estrellita has to offer, Miquel is a teen boy who’s fallen in love with Estrellita and sings to her.. constantly. Miquel steals her panties from a clothesline, so Tete steals her bra. The competition is on!
I really can’t say much more about the plot on this one, you’re just gonna have to trust me that this is a damn funny movie. I must have thrown my hands up in the air in a “what the hell!?” motion at least 10 times while watching. It’s weird, then it get weirder. Then, another layer of weirdness gets added. It’s all quite funny and strangely sweet though, I highly recommend this movie. 5 stars for weirdness, 5 stars for Mathilda’s boobs, 5 stars for the sheer audacity of making this movie in the first place.
This Film is Not Yet Rated
February 21, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Normally I’m not a big fan of documentaries but Kirby Dick has put together a very interesting story here about how movies obtain their ratings, and how the rules of theMPAA keep some movies from ever being made. He’s also shown he has a HUGE pair of cojones.
In case you didn’t know, the ratings system is “voluntary”, there’s nothing keeping a director from skipping the ratings process and having his film released as Unrated. Well, nothing except that most newspapers won’t run ads for unrated movies, networks won’t play the commercials and theater chains won’t show them. Ever wonder why the only place you can see an unrated movie is a small back-room “art” theater in major cities? That’s why. What’s worse, even though theMPAA has a classification for movies that aren’t suitable for kids (NC-17), most newspapers/networks/theaters won’t show these films either. What’s the point of having an NC-17 rating if getting such a rating dooms the movie at the box office?
A good portion of this documentary focuses on what makes a movie switch between the various ratings, and unsurprisingly it finds that sex will get a film slapped with an NC-17 much faster than violence will. In fact, it gives examples of movies where nothing but LANGUAGE will get an NC-17 rating! It also gives numerous examples of how inconsistent ratings are from movie to movie, sometimes it seems very dependent on who the director or distributor is.
Just who are the people who decide what rating a movie receives? This is the question Kirby asks and is giving some standard info (they are people with school aged kids, a mix of society, etc.) but that their identities are kept a secret so that they can do their job without getting harassed. Kirby decided he wanted to know who they were so he could check to see if what he was being told was true, so he hired a private investigator to find these people and get their histories. We learn that many of them do have kids.. but some are in their 30’s!.. some don’t, all of them seem to be from the same general cross-section of society, and several of them have held their positions for much longer than theMPAA claims is normal.
What’s really amusing about this is that we actually get to see the investigators going through their trash, filming them in restaurants, following their cars, etc. Not only that, but we do get to see their faces, we do see their names, basically we know exactly who they are by the time the movie is over. Now here’s where Kirby proves he has solid steelcojones… once the movie was done, he submitted it to the MPAA for a rating! Hilarity ensues.
Documentaries can tend to be boring, but this one isn’t at all. We get movie clips from NC-17 movies, we have interviews with directors who talk about their experiences with theMPAA , and we get to see private investigators tracking people down. The editing is top notch to keep the story moving and the story itself is very interesting. Highly recommended for any movie fan, easily earns 5 stars from me.
Breach
February 16, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Breach is the story of well known former FBI agent turned Soviet spy, Robert Hannsen (Cooper) leading up the final days to his capture, and the team that brought him down. Cooper plays the role of Hannsen with the same dedication and mastery as anything else he does, so the criticism of this film in now way reflects on him… And, had Cooper been paired with a more suitable leading man to play FBI analyst Eric O’Neill (Phillippe), the movie would have been much better IMNHO. But I digress; you have to work with what you have.
The movie starts out with the appointment of an up and coming analyst working for the FBI that wants to be fast tracked to agent status. Special Agent Kate Burroughs (Linney) approaches O’Neill and offers him a proposition; all he has to do is act as aide to a senior agent that the FBI believes to be a sexual deviant, and report any unusual findings to the bureau.
O’Neill writes down everything he sees and observes Hannsen’s every action and he doesn’t find a thing. Hannsen goes to morning mass every morning, has religious paraphernelia all over his office, loves his family and prays the rosary every day. For all intents and purposes Hannsen is the perfect Catholic and family man, and in O’Neill’s estimation being accused of crimes he’s not guilty of, and refuses to continue the assignment unless they tell him the truth. At this point Burroughs has no choice but to let O’Neill know the hard facts of the case, and she tells him everything; the espionage, the treason, the dead KGB assets, and the real story behind his sexual perversions… all of which restores Eric’s determination to bring him down.
The story is solid (fact based as it is), the direction isn’t terrible, and the supporting cast of Haysbert, Cole, Quinlan and Dhavernas all gave solid performances. So, what was it that brought the movie down for me? It had to be Phillippe. I just don’t think he’s very good and no matter what role he’s playing he’s always Ryan Phillippe. Now, I can’t say that the real Eric O’Neill wasn’t exactly as Phillippe portrayed him, so I won’t even go there. But, I know boring when I see it and each time he showed his face on screen I got bored, so that to me makes him the root of my discontent.
If you want to know more about this story and the real Robert Hannsen buy the book the Spy that stayed out in the cold and skip this movie completely. If you just want to kill some time in a sub par spy thriller check it out.
The Break-Up
February 15, 2007 | Leave a Comment
The Break-Up really wants to be a date movie, but guys should avoid using it as such. Why you ask? Simple, the male character in the movie causes almost all of the problems and is a real ass, so you’re going to be hearing a lot of “oh no he didn’t!” and “mm-hmmm” coming from the seat next to you.
Vince Vaughn plays Gary, a self-absorbed guy who is working with his brothers in building a tourist company in Chicago. He’s “the talent” as he’s entertaining the patrons and he’s very funny and good at his job. He’s also got asmokin hot girlfriend (Jennifer Aniston as Brooke) who works as an art dealer and basically puts up with his behavior most of them time. Everyone has their limits though, and when Gary doesn’t bring home the correct number of lemons for a dinner party, then plops down on the couch to play a littleGTA instead of helping out, a fight ensues.
Obviously, they break up. What follows is the results of when two people who no longer like each other attempt to share a space and try to make each other jealous. Pretty much by the numbers at this point, with very few plot points that you couldn’t see coming from a mile away. What’s hard to get across is how mean spirited this movie is. People compare it to War of the Roses, but in that movie the couple goes all out in a comical way up to their ultimate demise. In The Break-Up it’s more one sided, and Gary is almost always in the wrong. This isn’t as much a romantic comedy as it is a diatribe about how men suck.
Is it worth watching? Well, you do get to see Jennifer Aniston buck naked while she walks away from you, but the camera has her blurred out. There are moments of laugh-out-loud comedy, but over all I’d give it a resounding “eh”. It’s average at best, but I’ll give it 3 stars due to that fine (but blurry) butt and the funny parts. Take my earlier advice though, don’t watch this with a female in the room, you won’t have a good time.
Nacho Libre
February 15, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Nacho Libre stars Jack Black and is written and directed by Jared Hess, the man who brought us Napolean Dynamite. With that kind of pedigree, we went in figuring this was going to be one warped movie. We were right!
Jack stars as Ignacio, a monk at an orphanage who fantasizes about being a luchadore. Lucha Libre is what the Mexicans call wrestling. It’s taken quite seriously and often has an almost religious following. Anyhow, Jack starts wrestling and finds he can make money for the orphanage by doing so, but wrestling is viewed as a sin by the church elders, so he has to wear a mask and wrestle under the guise of “Nacho”.
There are some genuinely funny scenes. And it’s safe to say that Jack Black has no shame and will do anything if he thinks it’ll get a laugh. The wrestling scenes are choreographed well enough to be funny in a Three Stooges kinda way but also look real enough to make you go “ouch!”. Such as when you see something like a midget dressed like an escapee from Dr. Moreau alternating elbows from the head to the gonads.
So what’s the bad part? Well, even at only 90 minutes this felt a bit long. This is a movie that would’ve made a great skit on a comedy show, but the joke has run it’s course fairly early into the movie. The humor wont take with everyone. If you’ve never watched wrestling and you didn’t enjoy the quirky facial expressions and stuff in Napolean Dynamite, you may hate Nacho Libre. The guy one row behind us certainly hated it. However, we thought it was exactly what it tries to be. We give it 3 stars. If the trailer makes you laugh, go see it. Otherwise hold out for DVD.
Hannibal Rising
February 9, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Hannibal Rising is the story of Hannibal Lecter’s childhood. Based on the book by Thomas Harris, who also wrote the screenplay, this is the author’s attempt to explain the origins of one of the best movie villains of all time.
Just in case someone has been under a rock for a couple of decades, Hannibal Lecter is a character created by Thomas Harris in his books and later reproduced on the big screen. Although Hannibal was first seen in 1986 in Manhunter, he was made famous by Anthony Hopkins stunning performance in Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal is actually Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a very skilled physician who is the epitomy of class and an upstanding member of high society. Only problem is he is also prone to kill anyone who annoys him and eat them.
Hannibal is widely regarded as one of the best movie villains of all time, and we would be hard pressed to argue with that fact. He is refined, polite and a genius. But he’ll also cut your face off and eat your liver while listening to classic music. He is a monster. That’s all we ever needed to know, but Harris decided we needed to know how the monster came to be.
Thus we have Hannibal Rising. Why take the mystery out of the character? The answer there is money. But what’s worse is apparently Thomas Harris has become a bit enamored witht he character that has made him a very wealthy man. The story may actually make some people sympathetic toward old Hannibal the Cannibal.
Bottom line, forget whether it should’ve been done or not, how was the movie? No name cast, relatively inexperienced director, and a small budget left us going into this movie expecting the worst. The performances were ok, the story moved along but narrowly avoided some real plodding moments. We were expecting buckets of blood, and there were definitely some gross moments, but frankly with an R-rating I think they should’ve went further. They didn’t even really match the Hannibal movie in terms of gore.
Hannibal Rising can wait for DVD, we give it 2 stars.
Clerks 2
February 4, 2007 | 1 Comment
If you are a fan of Kevin Smith’s movies and love everything he does then this review is more than likely gonna piss you off… But you’ll get over it!
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way let’s get to it, Clerks 2, is a sequel that should never have been made, period!
Just so you know, I’m not just playing the role of ‘hater’ I will start by saying that Clerks was great; It was unusual and it brought to light a dialog and delivery style we had never seen, riddled with pop culture references that an entire generation could relate to, told by characters that each one of us could in turn reference back to at least one friend… and if you couldn’t, YOU were that friend. It’s hard to argue that the original film didn’t make Kevin Smith a household name so it was inevitable that one day he would go back and finish the story that he started over 12 years ago, and he did but I personally wish that he hadn’t.
Clerks 2 picks up about 10 years later and Randall and Dante are now working at a local fast food restaurant called Moobies. They wound up here after Randall accidentally burned down the Quik Stop and apparently this is the only job they could find at 32 but it fits how these 2 guys think so that part worked for me. Anywhoo, today (in the movie) is Dante’s last day and tomorrow he’s moving to Florida with his hot Blonde controlling wife, never to return to New Jersey again, which is the basis for the plot of the entire film. All of this seems simple enough but in typical Kevin Smith style, nothing is ever what it seems… Dante (O’Halloran) is secretly in love with his boss Becky (Dawson) but because his girlfriend’s parents are going to give him a better job (one of their carwash’s to run) and buy them a house, Dante is willing to leave everything behind including his life long best friend and star of this movie Randall (Anderson).
Randall doesn’t want Dante to go and he wishes he would sprout a pair and just admit he loves Becky and stay where he is, and stop trying to impress people by being something he’s not. Randall is content with his slacker ways and thinks Dante should be too since for the most part he’s happy being who he is, but Dante wants more. The Dante/Emma/Becky love triangle plotline drags on throughout the movie until the practically telegraphed ending occurs, which IMHO is the weakest part of Clerks 2. I say that not, because of the story itself, but the delivery and acting of the main character, which as you all know needs to be the strongest person on screen or why bother casting them.
Which leads me to Dante (O’Halloran) - He sucked and should never be allowed to act again - This guy is so wooden, the only role he should be allowed to play (and this is contigent on the retarded kid being unable to wear the suit) is a tree in an elementary school presentation of Wizard of Oz or Hansel and Gretel! O’Halloran is so bad he makes Shaq look like Deniro, and I would rather watch Steel or that damn Genie move Shaq made, than sit through this thing again without fast forwarding every time Dante opens his hole; Sorry to burst any Dante fans bubbles but it had to be said… Embrace it and the truth will set you free!
Clerks 2 is a complete movie as far as movies go and some of the comedic bits are so damn funny I almost shot coke out my nose but you can tell this was secondary to Smith this go round, Kevin wanted to concentrate on the love story more than the toilet humor, and if it were not for the terrible job of O’Halloran I might have agreed, but I digress. Enough of that back to the toilet humer, I love it and Kevin Smith outdoes himself in one scene in particular, that involves a young employee named Elias and Randall, well actually all of their scenes are really good but this one involving Mr. Pillow Pants, is an instant classic. I don’t want to dwell on how bad O’Halloran is as an actor but I have to dig it in for another seocnd or two to drive the point home, but this time I offer an explanation as to why I gave Clerks 2 only 3 stars. In Clerks, O’Halloran and Anderson were good but they were surrounded by actors of equal skill so it was ok to suck a little, but this time Smith has more money so he does what he should have done, and hires a really solid performer in Dawson to play the female lead, and she just blows O’Halloran out of the water. When Dawson delivers her lines, I see Becky and I care about what’s happening to her character; when O’Halloran opens his face I look for the cue card and wonder how he ever got this far on talent that limited. I’m a firm believer in people doing what they love but I don’t know about you but I would prefer tourettes guy not be allowed to be a surgeon just because he wants to… Brian O’Halloran, same thing goes for you, you big Goon. Put in an application at a real Quik Stop, work there until you die and that should solve it. Oh. one more thing, with a face like that I suggest the night shift.
The Marine
February 1, 2007 | 3 Comments
So you say the WWE wants to make another movie star? And this time around they’re pushing John Cena? Well, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. After viewing The Marine, I’d have to say that, as an actor, Cena is a lot like The Rock…except not as good and lacking any real charisma. But as bad as this judgement of him is, that’s only the beginning where this movie is concerned.
The rest of the acting is, thankfully, done by real…you know…ACTORS. Unfortunately, they only performed marginally better than Cena. Robert Patrick (the T-1000 from T2), for instance, is capable of much better work than he put forth in this piece of celluloid trash.
As we examine other aspects of this cinematic turd loaf, it just gets worse. What genius thought the best candidate for writing the story for an action flick would be a WOMAN whose ONLY other effort was a no-name romantic comedy?!? And how about hiring a director whose only previous directing experience was a Pro Wrestling TV show? What were they THINKING?!? The completely cliche ridden story is downright painful to plod through and every scene is as predictable as Old Faithful
The special effects were reasonably well done, especially the explosions, but someone here needs to be educated in the basic laws of physics and biology. No, you can NOT out run the fireball of a giant explosion. No, you will NOT remain unblemished when people beat on your face. No, a car will NOT continue to function after taking 200 or so bullets to the engine.
I could go on and on, but the bottom line here isn’t hard to figure out. Stay away from this one. Far away.
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