Guy X
November 30, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy! Someone here obviously wanted to make a movie that would be the darling of the movie festival circuit. They didn’t try to terribly hard, though, and what little effort they did put into it was mostly wasted due to incompetence. But that’s ok. All you have to do is make a movie that puts forth the idea that the army is run by secretive, half-crazy bureaucrats leading a rank-and-file that are mostly hedonistic, half-crazy f*** ups.
That’s pretty much the setup for Guy X, a 2005 movie directed by Saul Metzstein. The fact that the movie is only now making it to DVD should tell you a lot about the quality of it…or lack thereof. Another clue is that Metzstein’s only work since Guy X was an episode of a Discovery Channel docu-drama series. Yeah, it’s quality stuff.
On the plus side, the acting is actually pretty decent. Jason Biggs is on hand as Rudy, a U.S. soldier on his way to Hawaii who, thanks to an army snafu, ends up the victim of mistaken identity as well as stuck in Greenland. After getting used to the slack, lazy lifestyle of his fellow defenders of Greenland, he develops a relationship with Sgt. Irene (Natascha McElhone) and then tries to unravel the mystery that is his commanding officer, Col. Woolwrap. Notorious B-movie villain, Michael Ironside, is on hand to deliver a surprisingly good performance as a horribly disfigured vet.
That’s about it for the good things I can say about this one, though. The film’s biggest problem, in my opinion, is that it’s built completely on a foundation of ignorance of what the army is really like as well as a general disregard for logic and normal human behavior / reactions. Many times I could be heard uttering, “That’s STUPID!” out loud and I could have done it more but I simply chose to just shake my head in disbelief. Take, for instance, the premise of the main character being stuck in Greenland:
He was mistaken for someone else and put on the plane to that god-forsaken place. How does this happen?!? Even if he was dog tired and not paying attention to where he was being routed, you’d think the icebergs and snow-covered tundra outside the windows of the airplane would have clued him in that he was NOT on his way to Hawaii. Then there’s the matter that he arrives with NO transfer orders (or ANY other paperwork, for that matter). That right there would have clued them in that he wasn’t supposed to be there. And how is it they thought his last name was Pederson when it was actually Spruance? Didn’t he have some kind of ID on him to show what his real name was? Of course not.
And why didn’t he try to get someone to listen to him about his plight? Every time he tried to explain that he WASN’T Cpl. Pederson, he would get interrupted and then he’d just shut up. I’m sorry, but I’d be yelling til I was blue in the face to someone until they investigated my plight. But not our ‘hero’. If he got his problem resolved quickly and left as soon as possible, then he wouldn’t be able to uncover the mysteries of Woolwrap. And thus is another of the movie’s many illogical turns for the sake of plot.
The final verdict: this is just a bad B-movie masquerading around as socially biting commentary on the army. This dog, however, can do little more than gum you to death. Two weak stars from me on this one.
Popularity: 33% [?]
Ocean’s Thirteen
November 29, 2007 | 1 Comment
Like Eleven and Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen is really just an excuse to put together a huge cast so they can have some fun, and hopefully entertain us along the way. It’s all gotten too predicable though, so it only partially succeeds in its goal.
We know from the previous movies that these fellows aren’t just business partners, they’re all good friends, so when Reuben gets shafted in a deal with Willy Bank (Al Pacino)and has a heart attack as a result, they all drop what they are doing and rush to his aid. OK, that sounds good and all… but stopping in the middle of a bank robbery? That was just a bit silly.
Anyway, Reuben has pretty much lost his will to live so Danny (George Clooney) decides that if they can fix the business problem then that will in turn fix Reuben. Unfortunately Willy doesn’t see Danny as a serious threat and blows him off. If Willy won’t play nice, then Danny figures that getting even with him should make Reuben happy so they put together an elaborate plan to jinx his hotel and cost him a ton of money on opening night.
All well and good, but the lengths they go to just make this utterly unbelievable. How to disrupt the “perfect” anti-cheat computer system? With an earthquake of course! How to create one of those? How about digging a tunnels under the hotel with a tunnel making machine.. the same one that made thechunnel in fact! OK, sorry, but you lost me there. That’s not just silly, that’s plain stupid.
The point of the movie is to entertain though, and it does a fairly good job of that. Unlike the previous movies the cast doesn’t seem to be having quite as much fun, and sometimes it seems like they are just showing up to work for the paycheck. It’s not always like that though, there are some moments where you see the qualities of the first movie shine though, but they are few and far between. I think the problem might have been that they read the plot.. and just shook their heads at the whole thing.
If you’re in the mood for a caper, you could do worse. I didn’t dislike the movie, but I didn’t really like it either. So, by process of elimination, it’s 3 stars.
Popularity: 24% [?]
Free Movie Monday: We’re stuffed edition!
November 26, 2007 | 2 Comments
Holidays are nice and all, but I hope I don’t see turkey or dressing until Christmas day! Candied yams though, I could use more of those. Hot sugar cookies, those would be ok too.
The prize-library is now open with two new additions, Ocean’s Thirteen and Planet Earth! Reviews for both of these will be posted soon, but Ocean’s is getting 3 stars while Planet Earth gets 5.. damn it’s pretty.
Oh, one caveat to todays giveaway. I kinda left town with the key to the prize library in my pocket, so shipping on the prize will be delayed by one week. Oops!
Look through the library and if you see something you want, shout it out in the comments below!
Popularity: 19% [?]
No Country for Old Men
November 26, 2007 | 2 Comments
I hate being pissed off at a movie. I really do. I’d much rather it just simply suck so that I can just dislike it or, at worst, have contempt for it. But in this case the Coen brothers have really managed to piss me off. If I ever wrote a book entitled “How to F&*$ up a Perfectly Great Movie,” all I’d need to do would be to study the Coen’s latest film, No Country for Old Men.
Step 1: Cast some f&*$@#$ AWESOME actors in your movie! Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem prove they have the acting chops to hang with anyone at any time on any script. The performances they all give are fantastic with Bardem’s bordering on staggeringly good (and I love his weapon of choice). Even the second tier supporting characters are great with Woody Harrelson, Barry Corbin, and Stephen Root all turning in very solid efforts.
Step 2: Make sure the script is as well written as any other that came before it. Stuff it full of intense cat-and-mouse sequences that drive up your adrenalin levels by tortuously playing out in their own sweet time. Create dialogue for the characters that both crackles with subdued energy and smolders with relentless deliberation.
Step 3: Using mad skilz as a director, combine the actors and their talents with the aforementioned dialogue and have a camera rolling. Create an engulfing sense of the proverbial ‘irresistable force’ chasing after the ‘immovable object’.
Step 4: Once the audience is completely enthralled, start beating them over the head with not-so-subtle metaphors and allegorical dialogue about life, getting old, and the inevitability of fate.
Step 5: Execute major character changes and action sequences “off-screen” so that the audience is left wondering what the heck they just missed…and why. Make it obvious that the reason for this was so that you can see the events from the point of view of an interesting but otherwise inconsequential character in the story.
Step 6: You’re almost there! You’ve got the audience quite confused and mildly annoyed so now is the time to just abruptly END THE MOVIE! Yes, just end it. Don’t resolve anything. Just make sure to throw in a few more metaphors and allegorical bits at the very end before you cut the camera off.
Step 7 (optional): Go sit in a theater so you can witness the abject astonishment on the faces of the moviegoers as the lights come up. Lean back and enjoy how it rapidly turns to righteous anger as everyone begins to realize how they’ve been shortchanged.
I had these same emotions as the credits rolled (as did pretty much everyone in the theater) and, as I sit here hours later, I’m *still* royally pissed off. This was a full 5-star movie up through the 2nd act. They had near perfection in their freakin’ hands and decided to f&*$ it up with a completely BS ending. I just don’t understand all the praise being heaped upon this movie by my fellow movie reviewers. Either I’m just missing something at a very basic level with this movie…or everyone else has an unnatural love of symbolism and metaphor. Either way, I have to ask to to avoid this one unless you plan on leaving the theater for the last part of the movie.
Popularity: 48% [?]
Hitman
November 26, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Hitman is the movie adaptation of the popular video game of the same name. Yeah, we groan and roll our eyes when we see yet another video game being made into a movie as well. We automatically set our expectations very low at some sort of subconscious level. Hollywood tends to depend on the title to draw enough people to the theater and DVD sales to make a quick profit. So is Hitman any different? We won’t be hearing much about it on Oscar night, but it is a fun way to spend 90 minutes if you like video game violence.
As you’d expect the plot is merely a mechanism to set up the action. Timothy Olyphant stars as Agent 47. That’s his name. You see, these agents are selected as children by a group known only as “The Organization”, which trains and supplies assassin services to anyone who needs it. They are on no one’s side. The agents are trained to do one thing and do it well, and that is kill. And Agent 47 is the best.
But wouldn’t you know it, in typical video game fashion, things get all turned around and the hunter becomes the hunted. Agent 47 gets mad, and instead of just using some of our favorite cuss words from Deadwood, Olyphant lets bodies start hitting the floor. Oh, and to make things a bit more complicated, along the way he meets a girl played by Olga Kurylenko. And we’d like to express our thanks during this Thanksgiving release for the R-rating as we get to see Olga naked. We also find out that the going rate for buying enslaved Russian women in the sex trade is apparently $300 US. If they all look like this, we’ll take two.
As for the action, we get lots and lots of gun play, some brief hand to hand and even a little bit of sword play. It lacked the imagination and style of something like The Transporter, but the action was pretty much non-stop. And Agent 47’s cool calm attitude makes for some real dead pan humorous moments. The movie was also like a long Audi commercial, but we didn’t really get any car chase action at all. This would be one of our largest gripes. Don’t tease us with sweet rides and then just ride around in them.
Check your brain at the door. If you start thinking about things like how come it is so hard to track down a bunch of bald guys with bar codes tattoo’d on the back of their heads who refuse to wear disguises, you’ll just drive yourself nuts. Instead, sit back, relax and watch the brain and arterial matter explode onto their nice suits. We give Hitman 4 stars. It delivers exactly what it promises.
Popularity: 65% [?]
Beowulf IMAX 3D
November 25, 2007 | 1 Comment
Awe inspiring. A seamless expansion into the third dimension transforms the viewing experience into a new and completely immersive adventure. You cannot help but experience a sense of floating suspended in space as objects in your field of vision drift past and behind you. And I’m just talking about the opening credits!
Yes, this one just ROCKS! But before I continue with my effusive ramblings, let me point out that all of the really good stuff here comes from the “IMAX 3D” part of the name, not the “Beowulf” part. Had I watched the non-3D version of this on a regular screen, then we’d be talking about a 3-star movie at the most.
But first, the good stuff! I’ve seen my share of 3D features in the past but this is the first time that I felt myself forgetting that I was wearing those funky glasses and becoming part of the movie scene. The combination of the superior animation and the 3D treatment was very seductive. The 3D action scenes were genuinely exhilarating and didn’t feel like cheap ‘thrill shots’ for the most part.
And, when the action calmed down a bit, you can really examine and begin to appreciate the quality of the animation. The very realistic facial expressions and skin details were just simply fascinating. The physics of this animated world were the same as our own and, at times, they helped enhance the feeling that you might not be looking at something animated after all. The way things broke and crumbled; the way that limp bodies flew through the air and crashed through tables; the way the waters rippled and glowed with phosphorescent algae; it was all quite spectacular.
But when you take away the eye candy, you are left with a story that is just merely mediocre. It’s still the same old morality tale that hammers us over the head with the concepts of hero fallibility and sins of the father. This isn’t a totally bad thing as these are lessons that are certainly valuable to learn. Way back in the early days of filmmaking, you would seen films with these kinds of themes all the time…and people loved them. But as time passes and movie audiences get more and more sophisticated, they demand something a bit more subtle and entertaining…and something less preachy and high-handed.
Thankfully, though, the IMAX 3D imagery does a lot to soften the clubbing blows of the story’s central message. So much so, in fact, that I really didn’t consciously notice them until I sat down to write this review. Just beware, however, if you venture out to see this in regular 2D.
Popularity: 30% [?]
The Mist
November 25, 2007 | 1 Comment
There are multiple types of horror movies. There’s the type that goes BOO! all the time trying to make you jump out of your seat, there’s the type that saw people apart and show you their innards, and there’s the type that reaches down into your soul and tickles that part of your being which has identified with the characters on screen.. tickles it and leaves you speechless as you come to grips with the horror you have witnessed. The Mist is in that glorious third group, the true rarity that horrifies you. True, there are a number of BOO! moments, and there’s plenty of blood thrown around and bodies pulled apart, but the true testament to this movie is what happens when the credits roll, as you witness the audience sit in silence for the first few minutes of the credits while the true horror sinks in.
The Mist doesn’t take long to get started. During the opening credits a violent thunderstorm moves into a small Maine town, causing massive damage and sending most of the townsfolk shopping to get supplies. In the aftermath of the storm, a strange mist rolls in from the mountains. While getting groceries with his son and ornery neighbor, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and a whole store full of people see a man running out of the mist, face bloodied screaming “there’s something in the mist!” While they don’t see anything, the mist is creepily thick and they lock the store doors after letting him in.
Due to the storm phones are working, the radio station is off the air, and there’s no TV. These people are 100% isolated from the outside world, and now they can’t see more than a couple feet past the plate glass windows that line the front of the store. You’re now 10 minutes into the movie, told ya it started quickly.
While looking for a blanket to cover up his son who got quite frightened by the screaming guy, David notices that the generator in the storeroom area is leaking exhaust into the store. He quickly shuts it off and is left in the dark, and hears something pushing up against the loading bay doors. Rushing back to the store he tells a few guys what he heard, and they think he’s just hearing things. Next, they do the logical thing.. put together a hasty plan to open the loading bay door enough for a stockboy to run out and remove whatever is blocking the exhaust so they can get the generator back on. Yeah, there really is something in the mist and they’re about to learn this the hard way.
What follows is a lesson in group dynamics, with the people branching off into 3 groups. The first group believes (and some know) that there’s something in the mist, the second group thinks it’s hogwash and are putting together a plan to leave, and the third (initially just one lady played brilliantly by Marcia Gay Harden) believes is the end of the world as told in the Bible. Eventually we get down to the 2 groups as it’s painfully obvious there are things in the mist, those who don’t know what the things are but just want to survive, and those who believe it’s the end of days and are trying to appease an angry God in hopes to saving their asses. The interplay between all of these people is brilliant, it’s not at all difficult to believe that this is how the situation could unfold if such a thing were to happen on this side of the screen. As the religious camp gets larger, their leader becomes more and more sure of herself and her position as that of a prophet, and some of her followers get fanatical while most just stand around and watch it happen while hoping for the best. Brilliant and accurate portrayal of human nature, sad as it might be.
While a good portion of this movie is a simple setting in a grocery store, the creature effects are quite good. Without going into detail so that I won’t ruin the surprise, it’s gonna hit on many peoples phobias. Any reader of Kings books will immediately recognize how accurately these creatures have been yanked from those pages, and Mr. King has one hell of an imagination when it comes to this sort of thing. If the whimpering guy sitting in the row in front of me is any indication, there are some seriously scary moments here.
For me however, the horror wasn’t with the creatures, or the blood, it was the story itself. The interplay between characters and the decisions that they found themselves forced to make, and the conclusions those decisions caused. Is this a 5 star movie because it just HAS to be seen on the big screen? No, but it is a 5 star movie based on the fact that if you manage to see it without someone giving you too many details, you will have experienced what a true master of horror is capable of.
Popularity: 29% [?]
Manticore
November 20, 2007 | 4 Comments
There seems to be a lot of television executives out there who operate on the simple rule that you never spend more on your original productions than they can bring in through ad revenues. This is a great idea, in theory, especially if you make your living as a bean counter. The problem is that if you cut your budgets significantly, your audience (or whats left of it) will notice and you will lose more of them…which means that you have to cut your budgets again…etc..etc..
This is, as best as I can tell, what happened with the Sci-Fi Channel. The good thing for them (or at least their bean counters) is that there is a small core of science fiction fan-freaks who will watch *anything* sci-fi. Once the budgets for their movies get down below the revenue generated by this small hardcore knot of sci-fi fandom, they can once again turn a profit.
Meanwhile, mainstream sci-fi fans everywhere have long since abandoned the network that once provided quality programming but that now can only offer horrific dreck on most nights. But, they’re turning a profit, right? That’s all that matters, right? Yes, but only if you’re a bean counter. Before I rant further, please note that I’m not including the Sci-Fi channel’s original series or mini-series here; just their movies. Despite some controversial decisions and even some budget tightening, their series offerings and mini-series are still pretty good, as a whole.
And thus we are lead to Manticore. This movie, for lack of a better (worse?) description, stinks worse than rancid, moldy horse piss. The bean-counters thought they’d be clever and grab up some actors from older, much loved sci-fi shows and movies and use them to draw us into their web of feces. Such sci-fi icons (sic) as Robert Beltran (Star Trek: Voyager), Chase Masterson (Star Trek: DS9) and Jeff Fahey (Lawnmower Man & a couple dozen other B-rate flicks) dazzle us with their uncanny ability to distract us from the horrible script and special effects by use of their abominable acting skills.
Oh, and lets not forget Heather Donahue, the snot-nosed (literally) girl from The Blair Witch Project. She’s probably the pick of the litter here, acting-wise, and I’m sad to say this is a low point for her after having done the much loved Spielberg mini-series Taken. I really liked her in that but here…not so much. But I’ve ranted enough and should talk about the movie now.
First of all, as alluded to above, the dialogue and the behavior of the characters was beyond bad. The ultimate example of this would be the TV reporter. One moment she is holed up in the back room of a building, terrified beyond belief of the monster thats running around. But then, when U.S. Army soldiers arrive, she suddenly springs into action and has an urge to accompany them as they go to face the monster even though she has seen what it can do and knows that they likely can’t kill it. Yeah, that’s what a real person would do.
The acting was even worse. You’d probably have to do a documentary about a factory that makes cigar store indians in order to get more wooden figures on the screen at once. And the special effects? Just horrible. The first time I saw the monster on screen, I half expected Wallace or Gromit to step out from behind a corner and throw a hunk of cheese at it.
I can’t really continue this review as I’m about to run out of all my hyperbole for awfulness. Just suffice to say that everything about this one is just really, really bad. Don’t watch it. Don’t buy it for anyone except your worst enemies…and even then if you’re sure they can’t trace it back to you.
Popularity: 61% [?]
Hitting the DVD shelves Nov. 20
November 20, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“Bruce, can you hear me?”
“Listen, we like you, we always have (except perhaps for that Hudson Hawk thing, and even then if we’ve had enough to drink…) but doing a Die Hard movie without an R rating?”
“Seriously, what were you thinking? Still, we gave it a 4 stars, but keep in mind that we like you, so I’m sure that had something to do with it.”
“Wait. This DVD is unrated?! ROCK ON! You da man Bruce, you DA MAN!”
Yes, Live Free or Die Hard hits the shelves today and will be rocking our home theaters shortly. Let it rock yours too.. this is Bruce after all.
Also, Star Trek – The Original Series Season One comes out on HD-DVD today. Just think about that green alien girl prancing around your plasma screen… yeah.. that’s a nice thought isn’t it?
Popularity: 21% [?]
Free Movie Monday: Stick with the new rules
November 19, 2007 | 4 Comments
I liked how it worked out last week, so let’s repeat. I suspect this will be the case for quite awhile as the prize library is getting rather large. Either that, or we need to have a woot-off style giveaway at some point.
Anyway, if you see something in the prize library that you want, leave a comment to this posting with the title you want. The first eligible posting gets their request.
As for eligibility.. if you haven’t won anything in the last 60 days, you’re eligible right now. If nobody makes a claim by noon tomorrow EST, that limitation drops to 30 days. If by noon on Wednesday there still hasn’t been a claim, then it’s wide open to anyone.
Have at it!
Popularity: 19% [?]
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Gun Play
Blood & Gore Car Chases T&A Chuckles |
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