Bad Santa

December 9, 2004

Rated: R Runtime: 93 min Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

This is the perfect Christmas movie, as long as your perfect idea of a Christmas movie doesn’t include watching it with your kids, or your parents for that matter!

Bad Santa

Billy Bob is Santa Claus, who along with his trusty elf (Tony Cox) work at a different department store every year and proceed to rob the place on Christmas Eve. Marcus (the elf) is the brains of the outfit, while Willie (Billy Bob) is Santa, and the safecracker. Their biggest problem is Willie, who is a chronic alcoholic and can easily drink his way though each years earnings before summertime, and thus never gets ahead of the game.

Did I mention Santa was a drunk? I can’t recall a single scene in the movie where Willie wasn’t drunk, or getting his way there as quickly as possible. We’re talking about a man who keeps a bottle in his bed so he can take a belt as soon as his eyes open.

The movie really isn’t about Christmas crime capers, it’s about Willie and his attitudes and relationships. See, he’s drunk all the time (did I mention that?) so he tends to say exactly what’s on his mind regardless of who he’s talking to. Young, old, in-between… doesn’t matter, this is one foul mouthed Santa. Basically he gets to say what every single one of us is thinking when we see a snot nosed kid at the mall, and we love him for it.

Speaking of snot nosed kids, Brett Kelly plays the role of the fat kid brilliantly. The boy deserves an Oscar just for being able to keep a straight face when Willie goes on one of his rants! The Kid (this is how he’s billed) isn’t the smartest kid, but he’s got heart… and loves to make sandwiches!

Oh yes, and Santa has a girlfriend (”____ me Santa! ____ me Santa ____ me Santa!”) who really has a thing for the Santa hat, and is pretty hot looking to boot. What this proves is that we all need to get drunk and not shave for a week so that hot female bartenders will want to boink us!

John Ritter and Bernie Mac are both in this movie too, and they’re great. Bernie is in charge of security at the department store while John is the manager who is pretty sure there is something just “wrong” about the Santa he hired. At one point he tries to fire them, but you just can’t fire a black midget without consequences it seems. (or is that and African-American dwarf? Or perhaps a colored little person?) Bernie Mac gets on the case to see if he can dig up some dirt on Santa and his elf, and makes every scene he’s in a winner.

I really can’t say enough good things about this movie, I think it’s the best Christmas movie ever made for guys. I do not know if the ladies will appreciate it as much as we do, and I know for a fact that no child should be let anywhere near this theater. I don’t normally encourage people to get in other peoples business, but if you see a dipwad parent bringing their kids into this movie, take a little pleasure in telling them they are a dumb ____ and that this movie is rated R for a damn good reason, so get their kids out of the theater and over to see The Cat in the Hat like a good parent. Otherwise their kids will be trading in their visions of sugarplums for visions of Santa staggering across the living room and puking on their toys.

Posted by John | Filed Under 5 Stars, Bernie Mac, Billy Bob Thornton, Brett Kelly, Comedy, John Ritter, Lauren Graham, R, Theatrical