Bats

December 9, 2004

Rated: PG-13 Runtime: 90 min Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Does this movie suck? Yes, it does. Why does it suck? That’s a more interesting question. “Bats” is a sci-fi/horror flick that is pure formula through-and-through.

Phillips is the sheriff of a sleepy Texas town and Meyer is the local Bat specialist. Bats start eating people. The townspeople get upset and look to Phillips and Meyer to fix the situation. They come up with a plan, but they are racing against time and the Army, which just wants to blow everything up. Sound cheezy yet?

The performances aren’t great, but they aren’t particularly bad either. The special effects and cinematography are very mediocre. In fact, other than Lou Diamond Phillips’ awful Texas drawl, I can’t think of any one thing in the movie that really stinks. So why does it suck?

In short, it’s the formula that sucks. Hollywood studios just love to make nice, safe formula picks. They get a couple of recognizable names to sign up for a low-budget flick whose plot duplicates dozens of other semi-successful movies and, voila’!, formula flick!

Toward the end of the movie, I found myself writing a top-ten list of “Signs you’re watching a bad movie” out of sheer boredom. If you plan to watch the movie, read this list so you might at least double your chances of being entertained for a few seconds:

Number 10 - You are one of only *two* persons in the theater.
Number 9 - There are 15 minutes worth of previews.
Number 8 - The opening scene is of two teenagers going out into the country to make out.
Number 7 - The basis for its humor is batshit.
Number 6 - Two words: Mad Scientist.
Number 5 - All helicopters, even small ones, sound like big Hueys.
Number 4 - You start to nod off 15 minutes into it.
Number 3 - The basis for the climax involves the Army doing something really stupid.
Number 2 - The other person leaves mid-way through the movie.
Number 1 - Three words: Lou Diamond Phillips.

Posted by Alex | Filed Under 1 Stars, Dina Meyer, Horror, Lou Diamond Phillips, PG-13, Theatrical