Outsource the American branch of 'The Office', Please!!!

Thanks to the amazing invention of recorded media and my best friend TiVo, I can watch what I want, when I want and I can ignore advertisements for crap I have no interest in with no fear of a television networks schedule constraints. Now, this has been a blessing for me since my little friend (TiVo) came into my life and he never lets me down... Or does he?

This week the little B@starD dropped the ball in a big way. I record old episodes of the British comedy 'The Office' on BBC America from time to time just so I can be reminded of how good that show was, and how ridiculously accurate the characters are in that show compared to the nimrods that wander around my office every day. I love it!

I sat down in my comfy chair ready to laugh at the crazy antics of Ricky Gervais and the rest of my British co-workers when I suddenly realize TiVo has mistakenly recorded the American jerk off clone on NBC instead of the tried and true BBC original. My first thought was NO WAY. TiVo would not make such a grievous error. Wrong, he F'd up royally this time and punishment is coming. Cursing all the way through the dialog screens I notice it stars Steve Carell and he is playing the part of the boss so, I thought WTF, maybe, just maybe TiVo didn't steer me wrong after all. WRONG, WRONG... He steered left into a big F'N concrete partition. This show is sheeot and the creators should go back to working at Fat Burger if this was their big shot at TeeVee.

The British 'Office' worked because it was a mockumentary, with episodes chock full of embarrassing moments that don't seem contrived or forced; This bowl of poo without sprinkles is just a bad imitation with none of the good and arse loads of bad. The pilot episode was an exact almost minute for minute rip off of the original... without the humor or interest on my part. How many times do American writers have to make this mistake before they quit trying. That was not a question, it was a plea!!! I watch TV to be entertained but this show just made me want to go outside and do yard work, What? That isn't right. I hate yard work but it was a step up from this abomination.

Please do the right thing people and ignore this thing so it will join every other failed Michael Richards project; In the bottom of a trash can with day old pig vomit on top.

Celebrities Hate YOU!!!

I have noticed throughout my years how easily people are led when some douche bag that 'LIES' for a living tells you, the faceless masses that made them rich; To feel a certain way about their F'N pet projects and pathetic attempts at national acceptance through "awareness" of wrong doings around the world... Whaaaaaa!!!! Cry me a river precious, you're hero doesn't know you exist. You wave your little flags (mostly chicks, men aren't sheep) and regurgitate (vomit) their words as if they were brought down from Moses himself, and then feel compelled to make it your crusade to spread their word as if it were law. PATHETIC!!!

This happens everyday and it unhinges me so much I want to pass out the kool-aid and save future generations from your lemming like way of thinking. Every celebrity; musicians, actors, athletes and authors ALL have a charity or God please kill me now, a FOUNDATION. They started it, they front it, YOU pay for it. If you are one of these people I am talking about, I have a piece of advice for you... 13 knots guarantee the rope stays tight, and always choose an object to stage your descent that is high enough to guarantee you do the job right the first time. I would hate to pay for your convalescence.

Do you think Bono, Alec Baldwin, Britney Spears or any other half wit with a mouth really knows you exist? They Hate you. They just want your money (cough.. cough.. Napster) and they don't care if you believe in what they preach as long as you preach it to every person you know. Everyday it's... Save this, support this, research that, don't support that, don't waste money on this. Screw Em' they hate you and the day you realize this will be the day they just Act, Sing, write and throw the F'N ball. Whoo, I need an Excedrin (and so do you.... you are getting queasy). Obey Me.

Help me help you.

New Sin City trailer

Not as good as the R-rated one that's been passed around the net, but this one does show some new material.

I can't wait for this movie.

Sin City

Top 10 Theater Annoyances

Going to a movie used to be a special experience. We live with a generation now that has been brought up to use movies as time killers and baby sitters. They see any number of movies on cable/satellite and DVD during the middle of the week. So seeing another on the weekend at the local megaplex is no big deal, they behave just as inconsiderately as they would in their own living room.

These people are a menace to those of us who would like to go enjoy a film as it was meant to be seen on the big screen in peace and quiet. Here are my top 10 annoyances:

10. Seat kickers -- yes, i can feel it when you bump the back of my seat. So knock it off!

9. Enjoying the movie TOO much -- If you're screaming and no one else is or you're laughing alone, you might wanna get

8. No respect for buffer zones -- I got to the theater early so I could have a seat in the middle and in just the right row. If you want similar seating, you should show up early too. And no, unless it's a sell out, you are not welcome to sit in the empty sea nxt to me. There is an exception to this...if you're a hottie with big boobs, bring it.

7. Rattling bags -- Ok, we know you came to graze, we figured that out when we saw the bladder buster sized coke. But couldn't you have gotten a nice quiet tub of popcorn instead of that 3 pound bag of butter fingers that rattles everytime you scoop up another handful?

6. Kids running up and down the aisles -- Is it nervous energy? Bladders the size of peanuts? Or what? But if there are kids under 14 in the audience it seems they're going to run up and downt he steps throughout the movie.

5. The talkers -- These come in all shapes and sizes, but they each just cannot shut up and watch the movie.

4. The narrator -- This is a special form of the talker. Not only can they not be quiet thru the movie, they are particularly fond of sharing their discoveries about the movie as it happens no matter how obvious it is to the rest of us.

3. The ringing cellphone -- if it is actually important that someone be able to reach, at least learn your cellphone well enough to discover and use the vibrate feature. female users who haven't discovered it yet are really missing out.

2. The ANSWERED cellphone -- go to the lobby. we can still hear you no matter how far you hunker down in your seat. and yes, we are seriously considering whether your phone will fit in your rectum.

1. The crying baby -- look you gave up your going out priviledges when you squeezed the little critter out. leave your anchor with a baby sitter or at the very least take the screaming doody geyser to the lobby or bathroom and do whatever it takes to shut it the hell up.


I'm sure i'm missin many more. Drop 'em in the comments below...

TV writers should shoot themselves!

My favorite 3 letters in the alphabet have to be W-T-F because every time I read something "new" coming out of Hollyweird, I say WTF? The reason I say these 3 letters is to emphasize my disgust with every troll with a PC or typewriter that writes concept and dialog for TV shows. They have ZERO originality, ZERO integrity and last but not least ZERO F'N clue what they are doing half the time.

This current rant is directly attributed to the news I just received regarding a brand "new" show from CBS about a F'N psychic. Oh I am sorry I thought NBC already had one, and although it was assumed it would bomb being a mid season replacement, it is not too bad and a few road scholars in LA are eating crow. So what does the competition do in their infinite wisdom? The producers of the Profiler hire some schmuck to make their own psychic show, YAY!!! Lucky Us.

This little gem is going to be produced by John Gray and has yet to be officially titled but we do know it will star Jennifer (we) Love (your rack) Hewitt and will focus on, are you ready for it? Paranormal investigation. Whodathunkit?

It makes me want to take a meat hammer to a still moving squirrel fetus when I look at the upcoming movies to be remade with a modern spin, or the TV show that was destined to be a theatrical release, OR and I mean this one the most. The next damn reality show that will make some would be protein stain a F'N star just because they ate the remains of the above mentioned crushed squirrel fetus while doused in feces as they sang Karaoke tunes... WTF???

I may not be a 'writer' myself and I never claimed to be one if that is your argument to silence me... try, try again my little genital wart because these rants will continue until someone in the entertainment vacuum that is Los Angeles gets an original idea again.