BloodRayne

June 2, 2006

Rated: R Runtime: 94 min Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

For the love of all that is good, would someone *please* lobotomize director Uwe Boll? We’ve all been to a fast food joint and seen some idiot standing behind the cash register who obviously doesn’t really want to be there and just does the bare minimum that will get him his paycheck. This would be Uwe Boll if he had that job.

BloodRayne is just that bad of a movie, too. The screenplay is horrid. The scenes are thrown together with no real care. The special effects are low-grade. The casting was awful. And the production values were mediocre, at best.

But even still, this is Uwe Boll’s best work. I’m firmly convinced that this is merely due to the fact that he could not have made worse movies than his previous two: Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead. But what on earth could make it worth two stars if it’s as bad as I listed in the previous paragraph? Why, sex and boobs, of course!

I guess Mr. Boll decided to hedge his bets a bit and throw in some gratuitous sex and nudity. Trust me on this one when I say it’s all VERY gratuitous. Neither of the two scenes added anything to the movie. But, hey, I AM a guy after all so I really don’t mind that much. I was glad to finally see Ms. Loken’s boobs, though they are a tiny bit saggy and the nekkid whores were pretty hot, too.

If you’ve read this far and are still interested in the story, I guess I can sum it up quickly. Rayne (Loken) was born in the union of a vampire and a human. As such she’s a half-breed. And as it turns out, she’s pissed that her daddy raped and then later killed her mother so she embarks on a quest to destroy him. Oh, and did I mention her daddy was Kagan, the most powerful vampire in all of Europe?

Don’t bother with the theater on this one. See it on video if you must see Ms. Loken’s breasts but otherwise just avoid this one.

Posted by Alex | Filed Under 2 Stars, Action, Ben Kingsley, DVD, Horror, Kristanna Loken, Meat Loaf, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, R