This is not that movie. YOUNG AT HEART (Also known as YOUNG@HEART) is a documentary about a New England choral group comprised of seniors citizens (Average age: 80) who sing a variety of contemporary songs in concert, including ones by The Talking Heads, The Ramones (”I wanna be sedated!”), Sonic Youth, James Brown, and yes, The Rolling Stones!

Directed by Stephen Walker, this was originally a BBC documentary, expanded to feature length. Bob Cilman, the director of the choral group, formed it in 1982 and it’s continued ever since, with various members.

The group has toured in Europe, although this movie follows the seven weeks preparing for a concert in their home town. Along the way they do a little Jailhouse Rock concert at a nearby prison.

Some songs give them a lot of trouble in rehearsal (”Schizophrenia” by Sonic Youth, and “Yes We Can Can” by The Pointer Sisters in particular), and there’s actually some suspense in whether or not they’ll be able to pull it off.

This is a funny and poignant film about not assuming you’re Too Old For That Kind Of Thing. One outspoken woman in the group is 92.

In some cases the members are fighting the clock, hoping their health permits them to be able to perform, or indeed, hoping that they’ll still be among the living come concert time.

This film is a delight, and there’s no other way to put it:

YOUNG@HEART ROCKS!

I’m giving this 5 stars, and I’m not even that much of a U2 fan. It’s as good as a concert film of a rock concert can be. You get the experience of being in the audience, and you get the feel for what it would be like on-stage. That it’s in 3-D is just an added bonus.

There’s no backstage drama, no tour bus angst, no hotel room introspection, no rockumentary moments ready-made for the SPINAL TAP treatment. It’s all concert, the whole film, with a lot of energy.

Tonight I indulged myself with Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen. The scoop here is that Egypt once had a queen named Hatshepsut and she was one seriously bad mamma-jamma. She was more powerful than even Cleopatra had ever been. The problem was that after she was gone, her existence was systematically erased from the records and histories of Egypt and, for decades, no one could figure out why…or what had happened to the body of this once powerful female Pharoah.

I have to admit that, after having been bitten in the arse many times in the past by shows of this nature that failed miserably to deliver answers to their respective mysteries, I went into this one with low expectations. I fully expected the conclusion of the show to be something like, “Well, we gave it our best shot but it’s been 3000 years and we just can’t be sure of anything.” Fortunately, I was way wrong!

Over the 100 minute span, they do an excellent job of answering the questions that had long surrounded this mystery and, unlike lesser shows, the answers don’t smack of random speculation. If this is your cup of tea, then consider this one to be worth four full stars.

History and Comedy are two things you might normally consider hard to mix together, but the brits seemed to have discovered the secret: A dry subject like history should only be mixed with comedy that is also dry. Enter Python alum Terry Jones! Following in the footsteps of several of his Python brethren, he narrates (and editorializes) this nifty little series to great effect.

History, as it turns out, has always held a rather dim view of the “barbarian” hordes of Europe. Although Rome was always viewed as corrupt and rather vile at times, at least the Romans were always viewed as being … well … civilized. The wealth and technology available allowed the Romans to build the fabulous cities whose ruins still stand today. We know of their many remarkable achievements in art, medicine, architecture, politics and, yes, warfare. But what of their foes? Always portrayed as tribal, savage, and superstitious, historians on the whole gave them little regard. But now, thanks to some clever deductive reasoning as well as newly unearthed evidence of their cities and civilizations, we now know that long-held view of these Barbarians was simply a fabrication of the victors who vanquished them – the Romans.

The Celts, as it turns out, built the first intercontinental highway system! As well, they created a *very* precise astronomical calendar that is believed to be the first to ever of its kind. It was much more complex – and accurate – than anything the Romans ever devised. Many other very surprising accomplishments have been discovered about the Celts and they are covered here in this material. And the other three episodes include equally fascinating information about the Goths and other peoples.

And through it all speaks the inimitable Terry Jones. He does a great job here of explaining with dumbing down the material (much). And he infuses the whole series with some very nice commentary and dry humor, too. My only real complaints about the series are 1) it’s too short. I would like to have seen more than just 4 episodes…and 2) while they did a great job explaining the ‘what’, they spent very little time on the question of ‘why’. A bit more attention there would have been fantastic. But complaints aside, this is still 4 stars worth of material.

In that respect, this program delivers. You do get a small bit of pre-impact buildup and some immediate impact projections, but this was not something I minded. You need to give viewers a frame of reference for the meat of your material. In this case, some of the impact effects were covered in detail that I hadn’t previously seen; kudos for that! And when the program really gets going, it definitely delivers on the long-term after-effects that the planet (and humanity) will have to endure for survival. Also included, however, are the “dramatic” stories of several fictitious people. I really just did NOT care for this aspect of the program at all.

When I’m watching a program for hard-science, I don’t like for my time to be wasted with the poorly manufactured stories of people enduring the horrors that you’ve been hearing about in detail in a previous scene. If I want end-of-the-world drama, I’ll pop in a DVD of Deep Impact or Armageddon instead. In this case, though, I want facts, simulated results, and detailed observations. Inserting all this human interest stuff was good for a 2 star drop in my rating. I drop it 1 star just for it being there and then 1 more star for the science material that had to remain on the cutting room floor in order to for this melo-drama crap to be fit in.

In short, if you’re into the science, there’s good stuff here. Just be prepared to wade through the bad drama scenes to get to it.

But…the whole time I was watching these programs I found myself wishing that it had been in HD. The subject matter just SCREAMS out for it. But I had to keep reminding myself that this was filmed back in 2001 (or earlier) and filming in HD was just not a realistic consideration. They only had about $10 million or so in the budget which, while enormous for a documentary, is dwarfed by the $25 million recently spent on the Planet Earth series.

Eventually I was able to adjust to the picture quality (or lack thereof) and just enjoy the series. And it is most DEFINITELY some fantastic stuff! If you are a Discovery Channel / TLC whore like me, you’ll love every minute of this series so go out and buy it today!

The lack of a fifth star here is purely due to the lack of HD. If thats not a concern to you at all, then consider it a full 5-star title. If you DO have HD at home…make sure to get this before you get Planet Earth or you, too, will end up feeling spoiled like me.

Many (I’d say most) people think negatively of a person covered head to toe in tattoos, or with their earlobes stretched, or with facial piercings beyond the usual. They either think they are stupid, or if of a religious bent think they are “evil”. I’ve personally been around folks like this, those who think that doing anything unusual with their bodies makes them a “vessel for evil” or some such crap. Amazing how intolerant some people are. Modify deals with issues like this, issues of acceptance and tolerance, prejudice and just plain stupidity, and does so in an intelligent way.

The vast majority of the modified people interviewed for the movie present themselves as very articulate and intelligent, proving that you really can’t judge a book by it’s cover… most of the time. There are a couple of people who after hearing them talk, they’re just idiots. Watch it, I bet you can spot them. For others though it’s very interesting to hear them discuss why they’ve made modifications to their bodies, whether it be for spiritual or sexual reasons, or just because they think it looks cool.

Now, about those modifications. If you have a weak stomach, you won’t be able to watch large chunks of this movie. There’s a surgical section about 15 minutes in that will get rid of most people as this is full blown plastic surgery shown at a rapid fire pace to some rock music. Plenty of blood and gore, plenty. If that doesn’t get you, watching a guy insert steel balls into his penis might, or, people putting giant hooks in their skin so they can be suspended on stage for people to gawk at. There a guy who flayed his penis. Picture what a hot dog looks like when you’ve left it in the microwave too long, and that’s what the underside of this guys dick looks like. To balance off the effect, he put in horizontal rod like implants on the top side. Just.. ouch.

Then there are those that actually look kinda cool. Tattoos can be quite attractive, and there are some stunning examples of the art here. And there’s the “laces up the back” look that’s done by putting in rings along the spine and lacing them together as if the skin was a corset. That’s the image I chose for this review, and it’s a rather artistic effect. You get to see it being done too.

There’s way too much in this movie for me to catalog here, but it’s all interesting in one way or another. If you’d like to see to what extremes some people will go to to make themselves stand out, be sure to give Modify a look. I’m only giving it 3 stars because it’s not something you’re likely to want to watch again, though showing it to some unsuspecting guests could have some rather amusing results.

If you never watch any of the Discovery Networks, and don’t have any friends who watch their networks then it’s remotely possible that you don’t know what this show is. Planet Earth is a big budget (around $25 million) documentary that was shot over 5 years using all HD equipment that takes a look at every corner of the globe. Mountains, oceans, caves, valleys, jungles, deserts… you get the idea. They also went to great lengths to capture rare animals on film, some for the first time. If anything this is my one complaint with the show.. being reminded “this was the first” or “our cameraman waited virtually motionless for 5 days to get this shot” all the time got a bit old. Though, I suppose you could make a drinking game out of this. Mmmmmm…

There are differences between the DVD release of Planet Earth and what you saw on Discovery Theater, the most obvious is with the narrator. The DVD is the original BBC production narrated by David Attenborough, which to my ear is superior to the narration by Sigourney Weaver that we heard on TV. He showed more emotion and lended more excitement to the series at the points where excitement was merited. Weaver wasn’t bad, but Attenborough is better.

There’s another difference that has to be mentioned here, and it’s not a good one. The DVD version of the series has far more material on it than the HD-DVD or Blu-ray versions. There’s a 10 minute making-of for each episode plus an entirely separate program called “Planet Earth – The Future” that were excluded from the more expensive versions. Why?! There’s PLENTY of space on the high definition formats for this material so I’ve only come up with one reason for them to have done this… marketing. If you have a HD-DVD or Blu -ray player then you will obviously purchase that version of the program. But then.. you’re missing material, so you might just decide to pick up the regular DVD as well. I doubt many people fell for this trick and I call shenanigans on the Discovery Channel for trying this.

Let me be clear, if you have HD-DVD or Blu-ray, don’t even consider getting the regular DVD format. After watching both HD-DVD and regular DVD, there’s no comparison to the quality. While each scene in HD-DVD just begs to be seen, the DVD version looks a bit soft and looses that “immediacy” that HD is known for. I’ve said before that a comparison between a Hollywood movie in HD and upscaled DVD can result in similar enjoyment, this does not hold true for Planet Earth. Much in the way that games like Halo 3 are system sellers for the Xbox 360, Planet Earth is a system seller for HD. The moment you see it for yourself you’ll be saying “gee.. I should get me one of these HD things.”

Obviously Planet Earth gets 5 stars, there’s just nothing else nearly as good in this genre. The DVD version reviewed here isn’t perfect, and thanks to the stupid marketing decision of the Discovery Channel the HD versions aren’t perfect either, but it’s still a must have. My suggestion is to buy the HD version that fits your system, then rent the regular DVD’s from Netflix so you can see the extras.

That may have been what inspired THE ONION to envision what their front page would have looked like on July 20, 1969:

HOLY ****! MAN WALKS ON ****ING MOON!

You can dismiss the Apollo program as a Cold War stunt. You can bemoan that we didn’t use it as a stepping stone to Mars. But it remains so incredible, that today some ignorant people believe, or profess to believe, that we never went there at all and it was all a hoax.

Those people might find this documentary instructive.

Of course, there’s been a number of movies depicting the space program; THE RIGHT STUFF, APOLLO 13, the excellent HBO series FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON.

But this documentary is told by the guys who really did it. 24 men have left Earth’s orbit and traveled to the Moon. 12 of them walked on the surface. This documentary directed by David Sington features 10 of those 24 men.

This is not like some PBS or Discovery Channel/Learning Channel/History Channel documentary. This is an awe-inspiring experience well worth seeing on the big screen.

THE KING OF KONG is a documentary about two guys vying for the World Title of Champion of 1980s arcade game Donkey Kong. Billy Mitchell first set the record in 1982 and nobody has surpassed him. But there’s a stranger riding into town, Steve Wiebe, who has a Donkey Kong machine in his garage and he has been practicing, practicing, practicing.

Even though last weekend I spent four days at a science fiction convention, I was prepared to jeer these geeks who obsess about getting the high scores in an arcade game.

But I had to keep re-evaluating the film as it went along. The movie isn’t really about arcade games; it comes down to two guys, who are each other’s Moby-Dicks. Everyone needs a nemesis; just ask Maggie Simpson about the baby with the unibrow. Both of the guys in this film are family men, with wife and kids. One is a successful hot sauce mogul who set a DONKEY KONG record back in 1982, the other is (after taking some time to find his niche with less successful careers) a high school science teacher seemingly well-liked by his students. He took up DONKEY KONG relatively recently, at least to this extent.

The movie isn’t really about obsession either; neither of these guys seems to have completely wrecked their life in pursuit of these records.

The basic idea is that these arcade games of the 1980s achieved a certain purity because of the limitations in graphics and processor speed. More modern games have fancier graphics, but just don’t take the skill that these games do. It’s like chess versus somebody’s made-up rules for three-dimensional chess; the classic wins out. And because of the difficulty of the game, it’s a hammer-and-anvil to lesser players. But those who master the game achieve a Zen-like state.

So it really comes down to the nature of competition. Having just seen an idiot blow $130 million because apparently the groupies that professional football players get don’t compare to a bunch of guys hooting over a dogfight, I’m prepared to expand my horizons as to what constitutes a suitable arena.

This is a competition without a big prize purse, presumably without hot groupies, and seemingly a relatively small fan-base; there were a few dozen onlookers at most at these competitions. The big deal seems to be a possible Guinness Book world record and the knowledge that you beat The Other Guy.

Fairly quickly the two align themselves with Jedi and Sith. The Johnny-come-lately seems to be a basically earnest, nice guy who just wants to be the best at something. The guy who holds the crown is a long-haired bearded guy who wears all black and seems to think he’s a rock star. And as the movie progresses, what constitutes legitimate psyching out on his part gets into more questionable sportsmanship as he seems to change the rules and tries to control the governing body of this sport.

And it builds to a climax as suspenseful as any underdog sports movie, because I didn’t know how it would turn out.

Blue Planet doesn’t have much of a story, but it does show Astronauts training for a shuttle mission where they’ll be repairing a satellite. We also get to see the first space walk by an American woman, and the use of an jetpack in space. Now if it just had lasers.. and if they just went more than 1/2 mph. The narrator has views on global warming that sound more like they came from Al Gore than from science in 1990, and apparently in the last 17 years we should have killed off the rain forest, melted the ice caps and driven to extinction everything but our housepets. Or maybe I’m just being too critical.

Look at it this way. Planet Earth is a huge boxed set that will set you back lots of cash. If you just want to have something on hand that will show off that shiny new plasma TV then Blue Planet might be just the ticket. It is pretty, it did have some interesting information, and if you don’t mind the global warming stuff it was entertaining. Plus, there’s a bonus movie from 1985 that lets you see some groovy haircuts in HD!

The Notorious Bettie Page is a documentary that’s not a documentary, but is documentary-ish… kinda like a Michael Moore film. I went into this not knowing anything about Bettie Page other than she was a hot pinup model from the 50’s and that she also did some bondage photos. Now I know that her mother was too strict, she married her first boyfriend who proceeded to beat her, after leaving him she was gang raped and then fled to New York City for a new life. She was also a very smart girl in school, barely missing out on a scholarship to Vanderbilt and was an aspiring actress before giving it all up and dropping out of the spotlight.

I guess I just kinda told you the entire plot of the movie, though I don’t think that counts as a spoiler due to the nature of the film.

Most of the movie deals with Bettie’s participation in creating bondage photos and films, both because it’s an excuse to show Gretchen in leather outfits and because of the scandal such photos caused back then. On a side note, it’s amazing how tame these photos are when you look at them now. We also see Bettie do some nude modeling and for that I’m quite grateful. Did I mention that Gretchen Mol is SMOKIN hot? Oh yeah, I did.

One complaint I have about the movie, and this is a rare complaint to make, is that it’s a little too short. It’s only 90 minutes long and at the 80 minute mark I was wondering how the director was going to wrap up the movie in just 10 minutes. Then answer is that he didn’t. Apparently in real life Bettie found Jesus while on vacation in Miami and dropped out of the business and the spotlight very quickly, and that’s just what happens in the movie. After the church scene we get one more of her preaching in Central Park before the credits roll. I would have appreciated a little more story here on what happened when she went back to NYC, what her friends did, etc.

Overall it’s a pretty good movie if you’re interested in the story, and is certainly worth watching if you’d like to see Gretchen Mol naked, and who wouldn’t want to see that?

The main point of the movie is simple. The U.S. is the only major country in the world without socialized healthcare, and our system is corrupt beyond repair and should be replaced. If you’ve ever had to deal with a claim that was rejected by your provider, you’re likely to agree with him on this point. I myself fall into this category, having had routine stuff rejected at first and covered only when I pitched abitchfest on the phone and in letters to the insurer. Like most other Americans I just figured this was the way it was, so you work with the system and get things taken care of as best you can.

Sure, we all know that Canada has socialized medicine, but we also hear that it takes a year to get a simple MRI and that the waiting lists for getting other types of exams are just as long. Moore’s contention is that this info is false, feed to us by our elected politicians at the behest of thehealthcare industry. He does a very good job of showing this as fact simply by giving us the astounding dollar figures that are given to these politicians by the industry. There’s also the little known fact that there are FOUR lobbyist in Washington for each member of Congress. Insurers are public companies designed to make money, and a government run system would put them out of business or at the least drastically reduce their profits so it makes sense that they would have enough manpower on the Hill for 24/7 coverage of each and every elected official.

To tackle the idea of huge waiting lists Moore heads to Canada and visits clinics and hospitals, and while they don’t look as nice as some of the ones around here, there is no evidence of huge lines and unhappy citizens. He interviews several, and the feeling you get is that while there’s always someone who will complain that the overall feeling is one of satisfaction with their system.

Moore also heads to England and visits a pharmacy and hospital, where the drugs cost $10 regardless of type and amount and the visits are free. Heck, they even reimburse you for the expense of getting to the hospital. France? You know, the people we’re supposed to hate? Freehealthcare is just the beginning… the system there even provides new mothers with a nanny (who apparently like to wear really really tight jeans) a couple days a week to help out with the adjustment of having a newborn in the house.

Taxes. Yeah, all of these socialized systems are paid for with taxes and Moore lightly tackles this subject as well. His method of showing this isn’t an issue is to pick out a middle class family and let us tour their house. The couple in France both work and together bring in $96K per year. They live in a very nice place, have a couple of cars and travel quite a bit thanks to the mandatory 5 weeks off they get for vacation every year. What Moore doesn’t show us is an example of a family that doesn’t manage to pull this off, and you know there had to be plenty of examples available to him. Just look at the news when it comes to France and you’ll notice the youth (college age) are rioting in the streets on a regular basis complaining about how tight the job market is and how it sucks to be them. Oh to be in college again.

In England Moore interviews a doctor who makes around $100K per year as a government employee and still manages to drive an Audi A8 and living in a million dollar home. Those numbers don’t quite add up though, so I’m guessing his wife works or he has other sources of income on the side.

Then again, the point of these examples is to show how people with normal incomes can do quite well for themselves when they don’t have to pay medical expenses directly from their own pockets. How much do you pay in insurance for your family? Add the cost for drugs into that.. now, add that number to your salary..mmmm.. I’m starting to see his point.

But socialization is evil! We all know that, we were taught it in our public schools that is run by our government.. wait a sec.. our school system is socialized education! The fire department? Yep, socialized. Police? Yep. Think about your community and you’ll see that we already have many socialized institutions and while we bitch and moan about them (except the fire department, nobody wants to complain about them) they get the job done in most cases.

Moore emphasizes the negative parts of our system by showing example after example on how it’s failed people, and doesn’t show a single case where it’s been a positive in someones life. I’m sure he could have found examples of people who were happy with their insurer, but as I type this and try to think of someone I know who could tell me “yep, love those guys, happy to give them money every month” I’m drawing a blank.

Maybe Moore is right, maybe we should consider switching our system out to something closer to what Canada and England does. Damn him for making me think!

In case you didn’t know, the ratings system is “voluntary”, there’s nothing keeping a director from skipping the ratings process and having his film released as Unrated. Well, nothing except that most newspapers won’t run ads for unrated movies, networks won’t play the commercials and theater chains won’t show them. Ever wonder why the only place you can see an unrated movie is a small back-room “art” theater in major cities? That’s why. What’s worse, even though theMPAA has a classification for movies that aren’t suitable for kids (NC-17), most newspapers/networks/theaters won’t show these films either. What’s the point of having an NC-17 rating if getting such a rating dooms the movie at the box office?

A good portion of this documentary focuses on what makes a movie switch between the various ratings, and unsurprisingly it finds that sex will get a film slapped with an NC-17 much faster than violence will. In fact, it gives examples of movies where nothing but LANGUAGE will get an NC-17 rating! It also gives numerous examples of how inconsistent ratings are from movie to movie, sometimes it seems very dependent on who the director or distributor is.

Just who are the people who decide what rating a movie receives? This is the question Kirby asks and is giving some standard info (they are people with school aged kids, a mix of society, etc.) but that their identities are kept a secret so that they can do their job without getting harassed. Kirby decided he wanted to know who they were so he could check to see if what he was being told was true, so he hired a private investigator to find these people and get their histories. We learn that many of them do have kids.. but some are in their 30’s!.. some don’t, all of them seem to be from the same general cross-section of society, and several of them have held their positions for much longer than theMPAA claims is normal.

What’s really amusing about this is that we actually get to see the investigators going through their trash, filming them in restaurants, following their cars, etc. Not only that, but we do get to see their faces, we do see their names, basically we know exactly who they are by the time the movie is over. Now here’s where Kirby proves he has solid steelcojones… once the movie was done, he submitted it to the MPAA for a rating! Hilarity ensues.

Documentaries can tend to be boring, but this one isn’t at all. We get movie clips from NC-17 movies, we have interviews with directors who talk about their experiences with theMPAA , and we get to see private investigators tracking people down. The editing is top notch to keep the story moving and the story itself is very interesting. Highly recommended for any movie fan, easily earns 5 stars from me.

United 93 is a documentary style film that depicts the events of 9/11 through the eyes of the hero’s aboard United flight 93. I say it’s a documentary because Paul Greengrass uses information from that day to formulate the minute by minute account of what actually took place from the time the flight left New Jersey bound for San Francisco right up to point where it was brought down in Shanksville PA on it’s way to Washington DC.

This film is not a typical rah-rah go America action movie (Pearl Harbor) that uses a mixture of fact and fantasy to paint a picture of man vs unimaginable odds (SOAP) and ultimately the good guys win and all is right in the world; Nope in fact it is quite the opposite, this film does nothing more than show what a group of normal citizens in a no win situation decide to do when they realize their lives are forfeit, and their actions from this point forward will be to stop the plan of the evil monsters now in charge of the plane, regardless of the end result. All of the dialog is pulled directly from 9/11 Commission testimony, tapes of passengers’ phone calls, and the flight data recorders recovered from the crash, so you won’t see a guy stand up at the very last second and deliver some patriotic speech of self sacrifice before they go forward with their big plan to save the day, because that isn’t what happened.

33 passengers and 7 crew members made a decision together to bring this plane down no matter what it took, to make sure the 4 terrorists aboard did not reach their destination and complete their mission… And that is the only story Paul Greengrass tells, but he tells it well. I felt like I was sitting on the wing and watching every little detail unfold right up to the very end. So in closing this movie is neither fact nor fantasy since no one is alive to tell us what really happened but we know enough to know how it ended and that was enough for me.

This movie will be 90% emotion 10% visual and I cant really say I was entertained but I felt better for watching it so I guess it did what it was supposed to do. If you are the kind of person that would like to forget what happened on 9/11 then don’t watch this movie, but if you feel the need to honor those brave individuals then by all means pick up this DVD and share it with anyone who’ll watch. I apologize for not including any jokes or adding anything in our signature sidebars but I felt it was appropriate to just tell you how I feel and recommend this great movie and leave it at that.

Thanks for reading… JC

This movie is basically a pseudo-documentary about a group of guys and gals who like to spend their weekends racing cars. Unfortunately there aren’t any tracks around for them to use, so they have to do it on the street. This leads to regular encounters with the police as you can well imagine, and we get to see several of them on film. There’s also the occasional “oops!” with other cars… and a telephone pole. Nothing serious though, this DVD leans towards street racing and isn’t trying to scare you like those films from high school.

For the most part the cars you see are older American cars that have been souped up and can post some serious numbers. There’s also the occasional import, and a few of them can even run like the wind (a Civic posting a 9.5 quarter mile is something to see.) More than one motorcycle makes an appearance, and there’s even a race between a couple of dumptrucks. Yes, you read that correctly.

If you’re into fast cars but prefer affordable hardware, this DVD is right up your alley. Just remember, while what you’re seeing is real street racing, that doesn’t mean you should try this on your own streets. These guys are using controlled conditions and have lots of safety equipment in their cars in case something goes wrong. Well, some of them do at least.

Gumball 3000: Six Days in May is a DVD based on the 2004 running of the Gumball in Europe. This is not a “race” as such, it is a rally technically. In reality, what you have is a bunch of rich bad boys with a spectacular collection of super cars tear assing across France, Spain and Morocco. They drive like mad men during the day and party like rock stars at night. This my friends is what we would consider a good time!

Our only complaint with this DVD is that we would like to take the editor out back and smack him silly. He doesn’t stick with any car or crew long enough to really feel like we’re in the race. And anytime they’re about to do something cool like get some track time we’ll get a few seconds then he’ll cut away to someone sipping cocktails at an after-party. We’d love to see a lot more footage of the driving. There are some cool sequences including one spectacular wreck, but it could be better.

Regardless, we give this DVD 4 stars. It’s worth it for the gorgeous collection of cars and cool sequences, scattered as they may be. If you feel a stirring in your loins when I start saying words like Ferrari Enzo, Porsche Twin Turbo, Lamborghini Murcielago or Mercedes AMG then this DVD is for you. And for any of you who are thinking “a car is just transportation”, we’ll tell you Adrien Brody is one of the participants as we know you probably think he’s hot.

Thus starts the nastiest, most revolting, most offensive, taboo-shredding joke that you’ve likely *never* heard. The joke, by all accounts, got its start back in the days of Vaudeville and has been passed down to the subsequent generations of performers/comedians and they ALL know it well. So why haven’t you heard it before? Quite simply, nobody ever tells this joke to an audience. Nobody. Well, except for Gilbert Gottfried who must have nards the size steroid-infused grapefruits…but I’ll get to that later.

You could come up with several reasons why they do not tell this joke to audiences but there really are only two reasons of any importance. Firstly, comedians don’t really tell jokes anymore. They relate observations or go on funny rants, but never actually tell a joke. Secondly, most audiences couldn’t handle this joke. Even with an audience prepared for vulgarity (like an audience for Richard Pryor or Andrew Dice Clay, for instance), they would be seriously blindsided by this joke and some would likely walk out. Not good for business.

So what’s the point of it all? You learn from the people in this documentary that this joke is used, primarily, as a tool for comedians to impress and entertain one another. After the crowd has gone home and the comics are sitting around in the green room sippin’ on a few drinks, they break out this joke and do their best to impress and/or outdo everyone else with it. They can do this because the joke itself can be told any way you want to tell it as long as the beginning and the punchline remain the same. Everything in between is fair game.

The heart of the joke is the man telling the talent agent about the act that he and his family perform on stage. I really have to be careful about how I word things here, but I’ll try to skirt around the worst of it. The act, as described, is absolutely horrific. No, not in a Liza-Minelli-breakdances-while-screeching-old-Buddy-Holly-tunes kind of way, but in a truly repugnant, rapid-fire regurgitation of unnatural acts kind of way. And when I use the term ‘unnatural,’ please understand that I’m being very kind.

I knew a little about the content of this movie before I walked in and I had wondered how they would keep it interesting and/or funny. I mean, how many times in a row can you hear the same joke and still laugh? This was NOT a problem at all. You only get a few tellings of the whole thing and those that you get are ALL quite spectacular in their own right.

Among the notables would be: Bob Saget (yes, *that* Bob Saget) who demonstrates that he is the filthiest, most perverted comic in the business today. His version of the joke cannot in any way be described here lest I make several FBI watch lists. Then there was Gilbert Gottfriend. While performing at the Fryer’s Club roast of Hugh Hefner three weeks after 9/11, he had the audacity to make a couple jokes about planes hitting buildings. As you might imagine, he got booed a bit. So he takes off the gloves and starts telling this joke. In what is quite possibly the only documented evidence of this joke ever being told to an audience, Gilbert becomes a legend. The camera pans over to the other comics and they are stunned. Rob Schneider is literally in the floor, doubled over with laughter just at the idea that he’s telling this joke. If this show ever aired on Comedy Central, I’m sure Gilbert’s time was just one looonnng bleep. Then there was Kevin Pollak who does his impersonation of Christopher Walken telling this joke. This alone would be worth the price of admission.

The rest of the time is spent getting to know this joke and what makes it tick; getting to know the history of it, what makes it funny, why it is great as a cultural taboo marker, etc. This is where my only possible criticism would come, however. Just by the fact you get so many people offering their own variations or advice about the joke, some are bound to strike you as not very funny. Such is life. However, the vast majority of these little moments are quite hilarious in their own right so there will be no star deducted for this.

The big shame here (besides my own shame at laughing in several of the worst places) is that this movie will be very hard to find in theaters. The fatal problem here is that it is unrated and some theater chains have explicitly stated that they absolutely won’t touch this movie with a ten-foot pole because they know that if it WERE given a rating by the MPAA, it would have to be NC-17. This is pretty much because the MPAA doesn’t *have* a more extreme rating.

It is scheduled to go into limited nationwide release on August 12th, but don’t be surprised if you can’t find it anywhere near you. If this is the case, be sure to keep it on your DVD release radar as you’ll not want to miss it.

There are also enough guys out there that happen to be dads who are looking for something kid-safe and adult-friendly to go watch. On the surface, this movie appears like it would fit the need quite well.

But pretty pictures do NOT a great documentary make. Despite the gorgeous eye candy found within March of the Penguins, the end result is not a very satisfying film for adults and quite likely even for the kids. However, lest I get carried away while trashing it, the film’s pluses do need to be covered.

Firstly, as noted already, the breathtaking landscapes of the antartic are captured to film in a superb manner. You have to have an over developed sense of dedication to spend a year in 80-below temperatures and it shows in the final product. Additionally, the micro-level work is just as good. The closeups of the penguins, especially given the sometimes blizzard-like conditions, are simply amazing.

Also of note is that the actual story of the penguins and the extreme levels of self-sacrifice they endure for their young is both fascinating and exceptionally touching. *cough* Did I just say ‘touching’? Crap. There goes my left testicle.

Ok, sounds pretty good so far, right? Yeah, it does, but there are problems. The biggest problem is that the movie goes way to far in going for the emotional heartstrings. A good nature documentary should leave off the sentimental hooks and show the realities of its subject matter. Here, however, we’re treated to extreme anthropomorphism that seems to be done solely for the purpose of crushing the souls of those tenderhearted folk in the audience.

But what about the kids? Normally that kind of gushy thing is what kids like, right? Yes, it is. However, the movie shoots itself in the foot in that regard, too, by dragging things out and slowing to a pace that cause kids to get bored and distracted easily. In the screening I was in, there were several restless kids in there even before the film was half over. This slow pacing is also wasn’t helping my mood, either. At one point, I was kind of hoping a baby seal would shuffle onto the screen and get its skull bashed in by a fur hunter.

So, in short, while the kids and women-folk might very well collectively rate this at about four stars, it only squeaks up to about two stars for us guys.

For the Amish among you, prostitution is legal in areas of Nevada that are not densely populated. It’s illegal in Las Vegas, but if you take a ride out into the desert you’ll find many brothels that are perfectly legal operations. The Moonlite Bunny Ranch is one of these places, and this documentary lets us take a look inside.

The outside is fenced and has a bell. It’s not much to look at from the outside, no flashing neon or anyting, and the structure appears to be some sort of prefabricated building of some sort. Inside the outer area looks like a strip club complete with bar and a place to mingle with the girls. A ring of the bell signals the girls to form a line up, and by the time the customer is let inside they are assembled for his (or her!) inspection where he can choose one or more to “party” with. From there you go to the girls bedroom where you negotiate a price based on what you want, money is collected by the madam and then you get to play a round of hide the salami or whatever your pleasure happens to be. Oh, and bring around $1000 with you if you want an hour with the better looking girls.

Now dont expect hard core sex on this DVD, it aired originally on HBO and there’s no extra footage here. However, there are hidden cameras in the girls’ rooms and the guest isn’t told about it until “afterwards”. So what you do get to see is the negotiation process which I admit can be quite entertaining in a reality TV trainwreck sorta way. You’ll also get to know some of the girls and in general learn how a brothel works behind the scenes.

Dont expect your usual line up of truckers and high rollers. I’m sure they get plenty of those, but where’s the fun in that? No, they hit us with some strange ones. A couple really raised our eyebrows. Two brothers who looked to be early 40’s complete with big beer guts who wanted to “party” at the same time with one girl. Hey, we’re no homophobes or anything, but where we come from we dont hang out with our brothers like that. There was one sequence that was worse. Mom brought her 22 year old son to have him deflowered. She actually goes back fromt he negotiations and is in there while Sunset Thomas is crawling all over him and grinding to work the price, and other things, up. She did at least go sit at the bar while the actual deflowering took place. I guess on some levels thats a cool mom, but how would you like to have your mom forever associated with your first sexual experience? Shudder…

If you like reality tv style documentaries and have ever had any curiousity about a brothel, you need this DVD. Given that and the gratuitous amount of T&A we give this one 4 stars.

The film making team of Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky in cooperation, and at the request of the entire band, follow them around for some 700+ days during the creation of Metallica’s latest CD, St. Anger. You will see the family lives and personal lives of James, Lars and Kirk as they attempt to hold the band together after the unexpected departure of 14 year Bass player Jason Newsted. Jason and James/Larz have a falling out over another pet project Jason had been working on with a couple of other musicians called, Echo Brain. In James/Larz’s minds they felt if Jason was not happy in Metallica and he felt the need to pursue this other band, he was not committed any more, he could get out. Jason on the other hand felt as though James/Larz/Kirk had become too family oriented to truly dedicate themselves to the music anymore, so he let himself out.

Long story short, Larz, Kirk, and James try to go it alone and this movie showcases how tough that choice turns out to be. The three remaining members along with producer Bob Rock hammer out the project while spending more time in therapy sessions than the recording studio and it takes its toll on all of them in different ways. With the help of a $40,000 per month therapist the men address long time issues with each other and the desire to actually continue to make music… Really excellent stuff from beginning to end. You will see interviews with new Bass player Rob Trujillo, former Bass player Jason Newsted and the most surprising thing of all; A face to face between former lead guitarist Dave Mustaine and Larz Ulrich.

Most documentaries are self indulgent BS that usually leads you the viewer to hate either the film maker (Michael Moore) or the subjects (Michael Moore). The duo of Berlinger and Sinofsky made it onto my radar back in 1996 when they did the HBO documentary, Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin hood Hills, gut-wrenching material but damn good film making. This is the same way but this time, you feel like you know the people you are watching. At times I was really bothered because even though we as normal worker bees know, they are just people too trying to make a living and have a family; You don’t want to see them behave like that. You want, what I want, “Alcohollica” and all the excess that goes with it and that isn’t what this movie is about. No tricks or gimmicks appear to be used here and not one single member paints himself in a light that is endearing but it works, and works well.

This film deserves to be seen by any person on this planet that has ever listened to Metallica’s music and has ever felt the least little connection to the band and their songs. You won’t always like what you see but when you see it, it will make you understand where the music and lyrics come from.