This mockery of a remake takes place yet again in the quiet little town of Springwood Ohio; where the teenagers are attractive and  absolutely stupid. The movie starts in a diner, yes you heard me right, a diner, in a film about a serial killer in your dreams we start in a diner. Anyway in the first five minutes you see Freddy slice and dice his first victim, a depressed and sleep deprived  Thomas Dekker. After the first predictable bloodfest, we get to meet little Nancy Holbrook ( a cheap rip off of Nancy Thompson from the original) played by Rooney Mara, a girl who makes Kristen Stewart look like Ms.Congeniality. From there the plot follows the traditional slasher movie formula the main character and her friends are stalked for 90 minutes by a killer, who gives them no relief. Oh wait in addition to the formula let’s add a gritty subplot that just makes the audience uncomfortable, adding nothing of real value and overall enitrely detracting from the mystique of the original.

Another serious issue with the remake is Freddy himself. Robert Englund (the original Krueger) created a darkly comic killer, that still made the girl sitting next to you squirm in her seat. Jackie Earle Haley, although he dawns the hat, sweater and glove, was not and will never be Freddy Krueger. Haley didn’t deliver a single witty one liner that Krueger has become so famous for. Even the makeup detracts from the true visage of Freddy, the new designers tried to make him more like a true burn victim, and less like a monster from your own nightmares… something the original knew better than to try.

If you want to see Freddy Krueger kill self righteous teens, go watch the original, you’ll save yourself from this lack luster abomination of a  Nightmare!

Contributing Critic… C.C. Edwards

Set in the distant future Zombieland stars Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), a young man on a quest to see his family in Ohio after the Zombie apocalypse has ravaged the entire world and he’s desperate to find one thing that feels like home. Columbus has a knack for talking to himself and along the way imparting pearls of wisdom for us the viewing audience should we ever find ourselves in a similar situation. Perfect example, Rule #1 Cardio… Zombies can’t eat what they can’t catch. There are plenty of these and they’re presented throughout the film, and they’re all hysterical.

Anywhoo, back to the point; Columbus encounters Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) who’s only purpose in this now F’d up existence is the never ending search for a golden flaky, cream filled slice of heaven known to the common man as the Twinky. Which in case you didn’t know actually does have an expiration date of 25 to 30 days, so sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but contrary to popular belief they do go bad. Our two heroes go from place to place in search of these spongy beauties and through this obsession they encounter the final characters of importance Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin), who constantly gain the upperhand no matter what the situation may be. Con Artists it would seem come in all shapes and ages when the world has turned to sheeot and you only have a life expectancy of the afore mentioned Twinky, so these girls do what they have to do, including stealing the heroes ride… never rub another mans rhubarb. On that note I’ll stop before I accidentally give away a key piece of info and mess it up for everyone.

The plot is pretty simple at the heart of it all; Zombies chase and eat human kind and our 4 heroes kill zombies to stay alive, and along the way have some very hilarious misadventures, and find out that life is worth living even if its just for the little things.

Zombieland is very heavy on the funny and off the charts on the gore but it’s well worth your Friday night and the cash that it takes to see it. My only question to the readers is this… Is it just me or is Jesse Eisenberg a poor man’s Michael Cera? Or is Michael Cera a poor copy of Jesse Eisenberg? A thought to ponder while waiting in line because those two cats are totally interchangeable.

On the heels of Twilight comes the Swedish horror movie, Låt den rätte komma in.

A 12-year-old kid finds himself bullied in school in the midst of snowy, cold winter in Sweden.

He befriends a strange girl in his apartment building, who only comes out at night, doesn’t feel cold, and seems to be very hungry for something.

Sort of My Bodyguard, The Vampire.

The movie is set in the 1980s. I’m not quite sure why; presumably the original novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist that this is based on (he also wrote the screenplay) was also a period piece.

This is an atmospheric, bloody movie that’s actually scary. And, oddly enough, about a heartwarming friendship and love between two kids. One of whom may have been a kid for quite a long time.

As for the title of the movie, well, if you know your vampire lore, you can probably figure out how it applies.

Eventually they decide to be very pale together. Star-crossed and fairly chaste loving ensues. Edward, it turns out, is from a clan of moral vampires who don’t drink human blood, despite temptation. He’s 107 years old, and has been stuck in perpetual high school since 1918 (presumably his vampire “family” moves every four years).

There’s also some American Indians who may be a little werewolfy.

And, eventually, there’s a clan of some bad vampires who’d like to make a snack of Bella.

This is a pretty bloodless vampire flick. It’s not scary, it’s not gory, it’s all vampire romance.

And a little bit of vampire baseball, which is novel.

Sunlight isn’t fatal, just revealing, to these vampires, so they live in overcast and rainy Washington state. Sort of like the vampires in 30 DAYS OF NIGHT going above the Arctic circle to take advantage of the lack of sunlight.

I’m giving this two stars. It’s not a badly done movie. If you’re a teenage girl (or an adult) who’s a fan of the books, add 2-3 stars.

Starship Troopers 2 was a pretty low-budget outing; surrounded by bug aliens, the soldiers retreated into a fortress and the rest of the movie became somewhat ALIENesque.

This time around, either they had a bigger budget, or they really stretched it filming in South Africa. The sets for the human base are pretty impressive, and the CGI is comparable to the theatrical movie.

Casper Van Dien is back as Johnny Rico. Jolene Blalock (The Vulcan on STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE) also stars.

More importantly, some of the dark humor about the fascist overtones of the Earth government are back from the first movie. Along with the retro-future newsreel footage. Do you want to know more?

A military base on a farm planet is attacked. Johnny Rico repels the attack, but, when he punches a superior officer, is sentenced to hang.

Meanwhile, Jolene Blaloch’s ship is forced to set down on a major Bug world.

Rico is sprung to go on a rescue mission.

There’s lots of weird new Bugs.

This movie manages to be a fun science fiction monster movie, with some of the throwback feel of the original movie. And there’s a big dose of political and religious satire.

Also, there’s a nice homage to the original Robert Heinlein novel, with the introduction of the power armor suits (Marauders).

Keeping in mind that a straight-to-DVD movie isn’t going to be equal to a theatrical movie, this is a pretty good third movie, much better than the second one.

Of course, one thing that’s never been explained in any of these three movies is how the alien Bugs travel between different planets. Seems difficult to hold an interstellar war with creatures who have no means of space travel. Yet they seem to have infested the whole galaxy!

In the first few minute it tries a little too hard to justify its R rating, where a bunch of surfer dudes drop the F-bomb about 30 times, and then comes a pretty gory scene.

Later, a brother and sister, 20-something ex-professional surfer Chris (Tad Hilgenbrink from AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS BAND CAMP), and his 17-year-old sister Nicole (Autumn Reeser, THE O.C.), move to Luna Bay (Not the equally fictitious Santa Clara, California of the original). They’ve been orphaned when their parents die in a car accident, and their aunt offers them a place to stay.

Soon, trying to fit in, they go to a lavish house party which involves a lot of beautiful young people, some of them naked women. Nicole falls for the charms of scruffy ex-professional surfer Shane Powers, who looks a tiny bit like Kiefer Sutherland, because he’s played by his half-brother, Angus Sutherland.

As it turns out, Shane and his pals are vampires. Soon, Nicole has taken a swig from the wrong bottle, and is on her way to being a vampire herself. Her big brother tries to rescue her.

Aiding him in this plan is Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman) from the first movie, apparently a part-time vampire hunter for 21 years now, and with a full assortment of stakes, holy water super-squirtguns, etc. He provides the comedy, because, he was a little crazed 21 years ago, and more so now with his years as a grizzled vampire hunter.

Straight-to-DVD is straight-to-DVD; if you’re expecting a theatrical-quality movie, this isn’t it. It starts out a bit rocky, but it gets better as it goes along. It’s a fairly stylish, rather gory vampire horror movie.

It’s got a bunch of pretty young actors, it’s got some comedy though not as much as the first one (mainly provided by The Brother Frog).

One thing that the original had that this does not is an outstanding soundtrack; this has three songs by one band, and then a revamp (sorry, couldn’t resist) of “Cry Little Sister” from the original.

All in all, for a straight-to-DVD vampire movie, this isn’t bad. And it’s fun seeing what Edgar Frog is up to these days.

Stick around through the end credits; there’s a little extra scene not too far into them.

Based on Steve Niles’s 2002 comic book, it’s set in Barrow, Alaska, a town far above the Arctic Circle. At least as depicted here, around the time of the Winter Solstice, it’s in pitch darkness for 30 days, and so a group of vampires decides this is their Disneyland.

Josh Hartnett plays the small town’s sheriff, Melissa George (ALIAS) is his estranged wife, and Danny Huston is the king of the vampires.

This is an atmospheric, snow-covered film, and you really get the feel of the brutal winter trapping these people in the town while the vampires pick them off one by one.

These aren’t some Anne Rice pretty boy vampires; these are feral, nasty creatures who are just hungry, and they don’t seem to be having a very good time with their preternatural immortality. And they want to pass their misery on to their victims.

The film takes some liberties with Barrow; in reality the town isn’t nearly as cut off during its dark time as this makes it out to be. Here it’s depicting almost as remote as an Antarctic base.

Incidentally, the real-life residents of Barrow, Alaska really do have to take precautions to avoid being eaten alive by monsters. Only they’re not called vampires; they’re called polar bears.

DVD extras: Commentary with Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, and producer Rob Tapert. Eight short “Making Of” featurettes.

The movie starts off with a father and son gator hunting in the swamplands near New Orleans, but while there are alligators in the area they aren’t what’s really dangerous. After this duo is dispatched, we switch over to young ladies who like to show their boobs for beads, gotta love Mardi Gras. Here we meet Ben (Joel Moore) and Marcus (Deon Richmond) who are in New Orleans to enjoy the nightlife and the lovely sites. Well, Marcus is, Ben is trying to get over his recent breakup with his longtime girlfriend. Even the site of many many topless babes can’t cheer Ben up, so he decides to break from the group and go on a haunted swamp tour instead. Being the good friend, Marcus goes with him while complaining the entire time (as he should!)

They finally find a tour operator to take them into the swamp (along with a Canadian couple, a lone babe with her own reasons for going, and a porn producer with a couple hotties, one of which plays the part of the dumb blond to perfection) where things obviously don’t go as planned. The boat goes into a closed part of the swamp, wrecks, and our cast has to walk out of the swamp while being pursued by Victor Crowley.. the ghost(?) of a deformed child who was accidentally killed by his father, but still managed to grow up to terrorize people who get near his home. The movie tries to explain this, but there’s really no reason to, just go with the fact that Crowley is big, strong, deformed and apparently impossible to kill. Perfect!

The members of the tour get picked off quickly, and in very inventive ways. These are some of the best slasher death scenes I’ve seen in the last decade. Everything from getting split like a side of beef, to getting your head pulled apart.. it’s fantastic! What makes it so much fun is that it’s obviously done using latex effects and good camera work, no computers were harmed in the making of this movie. I’ve already mentioned they used buckets of blood, sometimes you could even tell they were throwing blood on a tree with a bucket, heh. That’s not a complaint at all, it added to the humor/horror effect that the movie was after and put a huge smile on my face.

One surprise was how good the acting was. The comic timing was dead on, and when they were supposed to be scared it came off as if they really were. A look at the bonus features on the DVD gave the answer to how that was done, Adam didn’t let the actors see what Crowley looked like until he jumped out at them while shooting, so the startled reaction he got was quite real. Brilliant!

Hatchet struck just the right chord with me, the attention to lighting (how is it that the swamp is so well lit at night?), the excuse to get girls naked (Mardi Gras, porn), the amusing older couple (Canadians, eh?) to the unstoppable Victor Crowley.. it’s awesome movie making, and worth every star I can possibly give it.

In the original John Carpenter movie we start off with a point of view shot of Michael as he watches his sister fooling around with her boyfriend, then as he gets a knife, puts on the mask and stabs her to death. It’s an effective opening, but doesn’t tell you anything about Michael. Rob Zombie takes a different approach, letting us see a bit of his family life (it really sucks) and his school life (also sucks) before he loses it and starts the killing. His sister also isn’t his first kill, in fact, she’s the 4th. That’s not counting the animals of course, cause all good sociopaths start off with animals.

Now you may be thinking that this is just a bunch of unneeded info, we know Michael is nuts so let’s just get to the escape from the sanitarium and let the killing begin. Well, you’d be wrong. Seeing a little of the background made me just for an instant root for Michael, after all, the first couple of victims certainly deserved a bit of punishment. We also get to see quite a bit of Michael in the sanitarium, and we learn more about his masks and why he keeps his face hidden. The overall effect is most excellent, so that when we finally see the adult Michael Myers in his own handmade mask, he’s just creepy as hell.

Zombie certainly made this Halloween based on his own vision, but he kept parts in that fans will approve of. The clown mask at the beginning, and the mask he made famous (which was a William Shatner mask modified a bit with larger eye holes) are there of course, and once Michael grows up he no longer speaks. He’s also quite strong, and it takes a lot to kill him.

The acting is overall much better than expected (Malcolm McDowell does a fine job) and the effects are spot on… plenty of blood, but not so much that it looks fake. The methods of killing are also as they should be, stabbing.. lots of stabbing. Tension? Check, Zombie put together some good hide ‘n seek moments with Michael and just the right amount of in-the-nick-of-time getaways.

It’s not perfect though, there’s a plot hole the size of a cineplex that still bugs me. Michael has been in a sanitarium for 17 years before he escapes, and when he does the first action he takes is to find his little sister. But how? Though she lives in the same town Michael grew up in, her identity has changed and he has no knowledge of her new name, where she lives, or what she currently looks like. Yet, he gets back to Haddonfield and immediately finds her. It just didn’t make any sense.

Other than that though, this movie is close to perfect. I still can’t believe the same man who made House of 1000 Corpses is responsible for this fantastic version of Halloween. Maybe I should try The Devils Rejects after all.

The Mist doesn’t take long to get started. During the opening credits a violent thunderstorm moves into a small Maine town, causing massive damage and sending most of the townsfolk shopping to get supplies. In the aftermath of the storm, a strange mist rolls in from the mountains. While getting groceries with his son and ornery neighbor, David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and a whole store full of people see a man running out of the mist, face bloodied screaming “there’s something in the mist!” While they don’t see anything, the mist is creepily thick and they lock the store doors after letting him in.

Due to the storm phones are working, the radio station is off the air, and there’s no TV. These people are 100% isolated from the outside world, and now they can’t see more than a couple feet past the plate glass windows that line the front of the store. You’re now 10 minutes into the movie, told ya it started quickly.

While looking for a blanket to cover up his son who got quite frightened by the screaming guy, David notices that the generator in the storeroom area is leaking exhaust into the store. He quickly shuts it off and is left in the dark, and hears something pushing up against the loading bay doors. Rushing back to the store he tells a few guys what he heard, and they think he’s just hearing things. Next, they do the logical thing.. put together a hasty plan to open the loading bay door enough for a stockboy to run out and remove whatever is blocking the exhaust so they can get the generator back on. Yeah, there really is something in the mist and they’re about to learn this the hard way.

What follows is a lesson in group dynamics, with the people branching off into 3 groups. The first group believes (and some know) that there’s something in the mist, the second group thinks it’s hogwash and are putting together a plan to leave, and the third (initially just one lady played brilliantly by Marcia Gay Harden) believes is the end of the world as told in the Bible. Eventually we get down to the 2 groups as it’s painfully obvious there are things in the mist, those who don’t know what the things are but just want to survive, and those who believe it’s the end of days and are trying to appease an angry God in hopes to saving their asses. The interplay between all of these people is brilliant, it’s not at all difficult to believe that this is how the situation could unfold if such a thing were to happen on this side of the screen. As the religious camp gets larger, their leader becomes more and more sure of herself and her position as that of a prophet, and some of her followers get fanatical while most just stand around and watch it happen while hoping for the best. Brilliant and accurate portrayal of human nature, sad as it might be.

While a good portion of this movie is a simple setting in a grocery store, the creature effects are quite good. Without going into detail so that I won’t ruin the surprise, it’s gonna hit on many peoples phobias. Any reader of Kings books will immediately recognize how accurately these creatures have been yanked from those pages, and Mr. King has one hell of an imagination when it comes to this sort of thing. If the whimpering guy sitting in the row in front of me is any indication, there are some seriously scary moments here.

For me however, the horror wasn’t with the creatures, or the blood, it was the story itself. The interplay between characters and the decisions that they found themselves forced to make, and the conclusions those decisions caused. Is this a 5 star movie because it just HAS to be seen on the big screen? No, but it is a 5 star movie based on the fact that if you manage to see it without someone giving you too many details, you will have experienced what a true master of horror is capable of.

This is, as best as I can tell, what happened with the Sci-Fi Channel. The good thing for them (or at least their bean counters) is that there is a small core of science fiction fan-freaks who will watch *anything* sci-fi. Once the budgets for their movies get down below the revenue generated by this small hardcore knot of sci-fi fandom, they can once again turn a profit.

Meanwhile, mainstream sci-fi fans everywhere have long since abandoned the network that once provided quality programming but that now can only offer horrific dreck on most nights. But, they’re turning a profit, right? That’s all that matters, right? Yes, but only if you’re a bean counter. Before I rant further, please note that I’m not including the Sci-Fi channel’s original series or mini-series here; just their movies. Despite some controversial decisions and even some budget tightening, their series offerings and mini-series are still pretty good, as a whole.

And thus we are lead to Manticore. This movie, for lack of a better (worse?) description, stinks worse than rancid, moldy horse piss. The bean-counters thought they’d be clever and grab up some actors from older, much loved sci-fi shows and movies and use them to draw us into their web of feces. Such sci-fi icons (sic) as Robert Beltran (Star Trek: Voyager), Chase Masterson (Star Trek: DS9) and Jeff Fahey (Lawnmower Man & a couple dozen other B-rate flicks) dazzle us with their uncanny ability to distract us from the horrible script and special effects by use of their abominable acting skills.

Oh, and lets not forget Heather Donahue, the snot-nosed (literally) girl from The Blair Witch Project. She’s probably the pick of the litter here, acting-wise, and I’m sad to say this is a low point for her after having done the much loved Spielberg mini-series Taken. I really liked her in that but here…not so much. But I’ve ranted enough and should talk about the movie now.

First of all, as alluded to above, the dialogue and the behavior of the characters was beyond bad. The ultimate example of this would be the TV reporter. One moment she is holed up in the back room of a building, terrified beyond belief of the monster thats running around. But then, when U.S. Army soldiers arrive, she suddenly springs into action and has an urge to accompany them as they go to face the monster even though she has seen what it can do and knows that they likely can’t kill it. Yeah, that’s what a real person would do.

The acting was even worse. You’d probably have to do a documentary about a factory that makes cigar store indians in order to get more wooden figures on the screen at once. And the special effects? Just horrible. The first time I saw the monster on screen, I half expected Wallace or Gromit to step out from behind a corner and throw a hunk of cheese at it.

I can’t really continue this review as I’m about to run out of all my hyperbole for awfulness. Just suffice to say that everything about this one is just really, really bad. Don’t watch it. Don’t buy it for anyone except your worst enemies…and even then if you’re sure they can’t trace it back to you.

This movie is shot mostly using hand held cameras (or the appearance of hand held cameras) in order to give it an immediate and intense feeling, much like The Blair Witch Project. Where it differs is with the characters. With Blair Witch you could allow yourself to believe the fiction for the duration and if you did so, the results were very effective. In Jungle, it’s simply impossible to believe some of the actions of the people on screen are unscripted which yanks you out of the fiction constantly and forces you to see it for what it is, a non-scary low budget film that desperately wants to be treated seriously… and fails.

In 1961 Michael Rockefeller disappeared into the jungles of New Guinea, into an area known to be populated by cannibals. After an extensive manhunt he was declared dead, though no body was ever found. Rumors pop up now and then that an older white guy has been spotted living in the jungle, but no proof has ever been found. Enter our college age kids who hear from a friend of a friend who flies a helicopter that the mysterious white guy has just been spotted, and that this time GPS coordinates are available if they wanted to go check it out. They have video cameras and are looking for adventure, so why the heck not!

Our industrious campers rent themselves a minivan and drive to the border of Irian Jaya where they take off on a multiple day hike with only a couple of small backpacks which miraculously hold their clothes, their tents, their food and enough booze to keep 2 of them sauced at all times. None of these people are campers either, yet they manage just fine for a weeks worth of traveling before things start to go wrong. During that week tensions are high due to the Type A couple getting pissed at the drunk couple for slowing them down, etc. This is actually what kills the movie for me, the fighting and bickering just isn’t realistic under the circumstances and lets you know you’re either watching badly written lines, or some actors doing some bad improv.

There’s also no real tension in the movie. By the time the cannibals show up you just want them to hurry up and make dinner so the drunk couple will shut the hell up. Seriously, I found myself cheering when things go badly for the campers, and this isn’t suppose to be a horror/comedy.

On a side note, the blurb on the cover of this DVD says “Quite possibly the most terrifying film of the last decade.” and the back says “It’s ruthless and grabs you by you throat, shakes the hell out of you and rips your heart out…” I’m not gonna name names, but the guy who wrote that was either in a really good mood or saw a different movie than I did. At first I suspected one of those fake Sony quotes, but it appears legit… legit and confused.

Go ahead, rent this one then tell me with a straight face that it’s a good movie. I dare ya.

The idea of multi-verses seems nuts and it’s not that hard to make one imagine the belief in such science to be a religion.. or cult, and that’s exactly what Believers is. Apparently one really bright math/science guy discovered The Formula to life, a formula that tells of multi-verses and the fate of our own. He shares this knowledge with a small group of other math/science people and together they get together in an old missile silo to study their numbers and to check and recheck what they believe to be true, that the earth is doomed.

The Formula has a way out though as they believe they can escape this earthly realm if they can just “leave their physical bodies” at the exact right time. Sound a little more like a cult now? Well, one of the scientist got cold feet and tried to leave the group, and got as far as a gas station before she apparently had a heart attack. Her daughter was smart enough to make a 911 call on a pay phone and a couple of paramedics arrive just before a group of scientist show up to grab her. You’d think they’d just back off when they saw the paramedics.. but no, they take them all back to the silo, at gunpoint.

Why you ask? Remember Schrodinger’s cat? Same basic idea here.. knowledge of the group and/or their plans can in fact alter the outcome, thus nobody can know what they are doing (this doesn’t mesh AT ALL with the opening of the movie where one of leaders is on TV doing an interview, but let’s ignore that.) To this end the paramedics must be quickly converted (the end is near!) or killed.

The production quality of Believers is quite high, and the acting is spot on as well. I was quite surprised at the quality of this film and can’t say enough good about that aspect of it. It’s not quite perfect though as there are some inconsistencies in the story that bugged me, and once again you have a studio marketing a film as “unrated” in an attempt to make you think there’s a bunch of sex and violence in it, when in fact there’s very little of either. It’s also not scary in any way, other than perhaps a bit creepy in parts, but even that is more on an intellectual level than a visceral one.

Great movie though, and I recommend it to anyone who has any appreciation at all of quantum physics or the ideas behind it, or anyone who just happens to like a good, smart, somewhat thriller of a movie. A strong 4 stars.

The problem is quite simple to explain actually, Saw is just like Star Wars. Remember back when the original Star Wars came out? It was a single movie, and there was the Force.. a magical, mystical thing that surrounded all creation that some people could tap into to let them pull off amazing stuff. Well, it made money, so the trilogy was formed. Still, the Force was a magical, mystical thing. Problem is that they started with Episide IV, and when it came time to tell the back story Lucas struggled to make the new/old stuff mesh with the old/new stuff. The end result was a mess.. and the Force became nothing more than science.

Saw was a low budget hit that was never intended to have a sequel, but it made so much money the studio had to have more. Saw II used the same formula but had a budget, and was a great movie.. but they didn’t know if it would be enough to continue the series. It made tons of money and they had to keep going, so to explain what was happening they started telling a bit of back story using flashbacks, and it sucked. Saw IV has that same problem, turned up to 11. Jigsaw is dead, no doubt at all about that, so they’re telling this story through the liberal use of flashbacks to let us know exactly why Jigsaw became who he was, and how others were recruited into his cause. The real problem here is their doing it by expanding on some scenes from earlier movies, to let us know what was “really” happening. But it doesn’t ring true. By trying to pull more out of the early movies than was actually there it just comes off as desperate, and is quite hard to follow at times. I’m 90% sure I got it all at the end, but it took lots of concentration and thought to figure it out, and that’s annoying in a horror movie. And, I could still be wrong.

Is it full of blood? Yep. How bout the traps, are they gruesome? Yep, of course, this is Saw after all. I did like some of the traps this time around. The wheelchair was nifty, and the classic “guy on an ice cube” had a nice twist to it. But the story was confusing, disjointed and annoying. I’m sure they’ll make Saw V since this one made so much money, I can only hope the new Jigsaw (and yes, stick around to the end and you’ll find out who it is) will go back to the formula from the first two movies and breathe some new/old life back into this series.

After an initial scene where we see Lester (Tobin Bell, that guy from Saw) digging for gold in a cellar, then a scene with Rene in a tub (no nudity), we’re introduced to Zane and Phil, with Zane being a rich-kid-but-only-if-he-graduates and Phil being the computer-nerd-who-helps-him-out. Seems Zane can’t keep it together long enough to get a degree and is looking to find the long lost treasure his great grandfather apparently had, and Phil is searching Google to help him find it. OK, so we now know that Zane is too stupid to use Google, that’s impressively stupid.

Rene is Zane’s kissing cousin (yeah, he wants her) and is also handling a couple of pledges for her sorority. In order to help scare the girls, Zane agrees to take them all up to his great grandfathers house in the desert.. this lets him dig for gold! Now, why he couldn’t just go up there anytime he wanted? Unexplained. In reality this is just an excuse to get a couple more babes on screen, and that’s all the excuse we need.

OK, Tobin Bell is the caretaker for this property, which turns out to be a hell of a nice house on 10,000 acres, and it doesn’t look that much like the desert to me with all the big trees lining the driveway.. but whatever. He’s a creepy dude who’s also looking for the gold.. and has been for years. Now, if you were looking for buried treasure and had had years to do it.. don’t you think the FIRST place you would have checked would be the cellar?! Man, the people in this movie are stupid.

When they arrive the first thing Lester tells them is to stay out of the cellar… so of course, the first place Zane goes is.. the cellar, where he discoversLesters digging. Ya know, all of this doesn’t really matter that much. Let’s skip ahead. Eventually they figure out that the place is haunted by great-granpa’s first wife, who was a Native American, and who really wants her necklace back.. one that Zane gave Rene (told you he wanted her.) Instead of going right for it she takes out a few of the kids first, for the heck of it I suppose.

This is all pretty standard fare for this type of movie, so what’s the problem? Well, couple things.. it’s a bit slow. There’s no “horror” until the last 30 min or so, with only a few chops before that. And more importantly, there’s virtually no nudity! Keep in mind this movie is marketed as “unrated” and states on the box “… packed with sex…” so obviously you’re expecting to see these sorority sisters get jiggly. Well, the blonde does show some boobage a couple of times, but other than a couple of butt shots, that’s it. For that matter, when the brunette has to run naked through the woods, she keeps her arm over her breasts and is actually wearing panties. Slow-mo and a line doubler reveals all folks. You’ve never heard of the actresses before, so how hard would it have been to find a couple who were willing to show it all?! Very disappointing.

The special effects aren’t so hot either, but that’s ok, I’ve grown tired of the constant one upping between horror franchises these days as they try to compete on who can show us more entrails. The old school effects employed in Buried Alive were quite refreshing.

So why did I give it 3 stars? The ghost is kinda creepy, and the simple methods they use to move her around the screen is quite effective. I’m not sure why a partially rotted old woman with an axe was creepy, but it was. In the end the movie was enjoyable if you’re in the mood for this sort of thing, just keep your expectations in line and you should have a good time.

Katherine Winter (Hilary Swank) is a college professor at LSU who debunks miracles around the world. If you think you’ve spotted a bleeding Mary somewhere, call Katherine and she’ll prove it’s just science in action. When the town of Haven starts to experience strange things (assuming you call a river of blood “strange”) they send their brightest citizen to plead for her assistance in figuring out what’s happening.

At first it’s all just science to her as there’s obviously some chemical or bacteria causing the water to appear blood like, there has to be a rational explanation for the frogs falling from the sky… and the livestock that goes nuts must have drunk the water. Some of the townfolk discount the science, instead blaming everything on a 12-yr old girl who lives with her deadbeat mother on the outskirts of town. See, the girl ain’t quite right.. she’s EVIL and needs to be stopped. As things progress Katherine starts to doubt her own convictions.. perhaps the town is right?

Pretty typical stuff here, and the movie doesn’t stray far from the formula. For example, a white chick in a horror movie… do you think she’ll go into the woods alone, at night? (MINOR CHORD!) Her sidekick is a black guy, what do you think his odds are of seeing the final credits? (minor chord… HIGH STRINGS!) There’s also the annoyance of the soundtrack that insists on pointing out to you anytime something slightly jolting happens like someone tripping in the river (MINOR CHORD!) or the power going out. (MINOR CHORD!!) Yeah, it’s damned annoying.

When it comes down to it though, the movie doesn’t totally suck. If you’re into Biblical horror type movies and love the sound of Revelations being read by a priest, you’re gonna have a good time. For me it was just OK, but I enjoyed studying the commando factor and that kept me from being too bored. So I’m giving it a very weak 3 stars.

This time around a college professor is looking for a statue, and thinks it may be in the house. Unfortunately for him it’s quite valuable and some bad guys have also followed the trail to the house. I’m leaving out a lot here.. there’s a sister, a diary, and some other stuff.. but it’s not important. What matters is you have two groups in the house looking for a statue, and its an evil statue.

Like every good horror movie, the first thing that has to happen is to split up a group into pairs who can then easily get separated for easy killing. After all, the only reason we’re watching this is to see creative ways for the house to kill these folks off, right? Oh, and for boobies.. don’t forget the boobies. If you recall we took issue with the first Haunted Hill movie because it had babes but no skin to speak of. Well, that’s been fixed this time around and there’s plenty to see. There’s even some haunted lesbo action to enjoy. We’re guys.. so we’re easy to please. Put in some creative deaths, nudity, and funny one liners and we’re happy.

Happy isn’t perfect though and to get an above average score you’ve got to be outstanding in one of those areas, or surprise the heck out of us with a good plot. Return to House on Haunted Hill doesn’t excel at any one thing, it’s quite average. The effects are passable but aren’t gonna knock your socks off, the acting is on par with other horror movies (there’s a backhanded compliment for ya!), and the creativity is just ok. I don’t recall a single death that I haven’t seen done in other movies, and that’s a shame.

One thing is really gets right though is the length, the credits roll at 1:14:51. That honestly is a compliment! Most horror movies take too long to get moving, throw in some useless romance, try to drag a chase out too long or SOMETHING that drags the movie out past 90 or even 120 minutes. It’s just nuts. This is a HORROR movie! Keep it short and to the point. Bravo! Bravo! In the end though it balances out to 3 stars, so be sure to put this in your rental queue or just add it to your collection if you enjoyed the first movie.

Oh, do be sure to fast forward to the end of the credits though as there’s a bit more of the movie there designed to setup the next movie in the series. Don’t care? Blonde, topless. There’s your motivation.

Poltergeist was a 1982 runaway hit produced by Steven Spielberg and directed by Tobe Hooper. There’s not a lot of point in reviewing it since I’d dare say that virtually anyone reading this has seen this movie at least once in their life and most everyone loved it.

After having refreshed my memories with a viewing of this anniversary edition, however, I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to relive the experience. It has been restored and remastered and it looks great; almost as if it was fresh off the original reel. The evil tree, the clown, the TV people, the tennis balls, the steak; it’s all here and looking better than ever.

Once you’ve watched the movie, however, there’s virtually nothing else on the disc. The only thing there is a generic documentary on real-life poltergeists. You’d think they could have at least included a trailer or maybe a blooper or two.

But despite the lack of extras, you do have the most important thing on the disk – a darn fine movie. If you have a big screen at home, the enhanced quality of this remastering is worth going out and grabbing…even if you have an older DVD of it sitting around somewhere.

First up is one of the good ones with John Landis directing a story about a bigot who gets one hell of a dose of his own medicine. What strikes me about this one is the differences in what happens in the bar in the movie vs. what would happen today. Basically you have a small town bar with a white dude going off about how the Jews have all the money and that he’s better than them or any African spearchucker (and other creative and not so creative terms.) At one point a large black man leans over over and polietly asks him to keep quiet. Can you imagine that happening today? No.. I’m pretty sure whitey would have gotten his ass (deservedly) kicked.

Second on the list is a cute story about some old folks who get a taste of being young again. This one was obviously there for the ladies. Apparently women in the early 80’s couldn’t handle too much in one sitting, so you had to put fluff back in to keep them calm. It’s not a bad story, it’s just… cute.

Next up is one I’m not quite sure about. It’s about a kid who can get whatever he wants just by wishing for it, and apparently he likes cartoons… and peanut butter on his hamburger. The effects are old school and that’s what I like about it, the creatures are handmade and animated and it gives this segment a great look. On the other hand, the story is a bit contrived which takes away from the enjoyment. Kathleen Quinlan looks hot though, so don’t fast forward through it.

And finally, we get to the meat of this movie. John Lithgow remakes a classic episode (starring William Shatner) about an airline passenger who’s afraid of flying, and is unfortunate enough to be on a flight going through a huge storm, with a creature on the wing trying to take it down. Yeah, it’s an evil Gremlin that some bastard fed after midnight. The real “twilight zone” moment in this segment is the plane itself. Sure, there’s ashtrays and such, and the FAA guy is a bit unrealistic, but check out those seats! Soft.. wide.. plenty of leg room! It’s an alternate universe I wish we still had! Heck, I’d put up with smoking on flights again if I could have those seats! This story is the best of the bunch and has great acting and effects. Once again it’s physical creature effects and it’s quite nice to see.

This isn’t a must own movie by any means, but it’s worth having if you like the genre. At the very least put it in your Netflix queue. A solid 3 star rating.

From the depths of New Zealand has arisen Black Sheep, a movie about mutant zombie sheep and the people they kill. Yes, I said sheep. Killer sheep. Killer mutant zombie sheep. It just doesn’t sound right, does it? Better get used to it, though, because this is one film that is destined for cult greatness! There are a ton of films out in the world that are better than this one in most every way possible. But seldom have I felt such an overwhelming sense of affection for a movie before. It just *rocks*.

The story begins as young Henry is coming back from herding sheep with his father. He soons discovers the mutilated body of his beloved pet, Dudley, a sheep that Henry’s older brother Angus killed out of jealousy. Just at the height of Henry’s grief and shock, Angus adds an even more cruel coup-de-gras.

Fast forward to the present day as Henry, apparently away from the family farm for many, many years, is returning to sell his half of the ranch to his brother. Personally speaking, if it were me I’d have beaten my older brother to death by this point, but apparently Henry is a kinder, gentler soul…who now has a serious phobia about sheep. Just as Henry arrives, a couple of misguided animal rights activists cause problems at Angus’ private lab on the property…problems that lead directly to a highly infectious agent to get out and start infecting the hundreds of sheep on the ranch. And thus are born the mutant zombie sheep.

As a monster gore fest, it’s competent enough. It won’t win any mainstream awards, but then again this isn’t a mainstream movie. What elevates it to its lofty place in my heart is the fact that they used perhaps the worlds most harmless animal, the sheep, and turned it into a most murderous, bloodthirsty beast. The levels of absurdity build and stack on one another like legos and provide some fabulous moments of fun and laughter. The idea for this was simply a stroke of genius. This is a movie I’ll be buying for the collection, for sure.

He received a post card in the mail from the Dolphin Hotel in New York City with “Don’t Visit 1408″ written on it, so of course he starts to investigate. Upon learning about the deaths that have occurred in that room he calls the hotel and inquires about booking a stay and is denied. No self respecting man would take an answer like that so he gets his publisher on the case, who gets their attorney on the case, who finds a law that requires the hotel to let him stay in the room if it’s not occupied. Off to New York!

When he arrives for his night of adventure the hotel manager (very well played by Samuel L. Jackson) does his best to change his mind, but in the end gives him access to the room. You know from the previews that weird things start to happen, and it’d be a strange horror movie if the worst thing he saw in the room was the cost of a can of beer nuts while viewing the Spectravision menu. Seems that nobody has ever lived more than an hour in that room, and even short exposure can cause problems.

First it’s little things, but it takes no time at all for the room to let Mike know this isn’t a drafty spot near a window.. this is the real deal. As Mr. Jackson said, this is an evil f!#ing room.

John Cusack does an amazing job in 1408, he really sells everything that’s happening. When he’s trying to calm himself down, when making little quips, all of it.. perfection. Seriously, you’ll buy into what he’s going through which is something you can’t say for most horror movies. The effects are also first rate, absolutely nothing looks cheap.

I saw this movie in the theaters but didn’t like it all that much due to the ending. However, this DVD has the uncut directors version with a different (and obviously the original) ending and it’s MUCH better. In addition to the ending there are a few longer scenes and some that were added back in. I’m guessing they changed the ending due to a dumb ass test audience, and trimmed out the scenes in the interest of time, both things were a mistake.

Even if you’ve already seen the movie, you haven’t seen THIS version of the movie. Highly recommended, 4 stars.

The special effects have been bumped up a bit for this episode and the action rolls along very smoothly. At no point did I find myself checking my watch or fidgeting in my seat so you have to give it some points for holding your attention. But that’s about where the good stuff ends.

Milla Jovovich is, of course, back again (and again..and again..and again) in the title role of Alice. As expected, she performed perfunctorily in the scenes where she wasn’t slaying zombies (and other critters that show up) and she was quite entertaining when she was in carnage mode. I honestly have no idea if she’s a good actress or not since I’ve never seen her cast in anything that would require her to actually *act* and the Resident Evil franchise is certainly not going to require anything of the sort.

Where the movie loses major points is in the structure. I used to be a major junkie for video games like Doom, Duke Nukem 3D, Serious Sam, Half Life II, etc.. and I see a lot of parallels here to these and some other games I used to play. I felt like I was watching a computer screen where some anonymous person was controlling Alice and starting a new level. The goal of this level, by the way, is to protect a group of innocent people and travel to a big underground bunker where a nasty “boss” monster awaits. And, like any good video game, when you beat the boss, a new level starts. That’s fine and all…but do you *really* want to do the equivalent of watching someone else play a video game for 90 minutes? If so, save yourself the $10 and just go visit a friend that has one of the aforementioned games.

As well (and not unexpectedly) the ending just sucked if you are someone that likes to see something resolved. In this case, NOTHING gets resolved. NOTHING is paid off (not even a side story that would affect nothing in the inevitable sequel). Again, it felt like an episode was over and we get to wait 2+ years for the next one…which still won’t resolve anything.

Personally speaking, I resolve never to go see another one of these movies.

The film wastes no time in setting the mood, opening with a woman waking in a casket, blood everywhere, fighting to escape her entombment. Eventually she escapes only to get knocked out and when she awakes she’s tied by the neck to a tree, balancing on a stick of wood. If she slips, she’s gonna strangle herself.. so how does she escape? Seems there’s a cut on her stomach that’s been stitched up, and stashed inside her belly is a razor blade. Fetch the blade, cut yourself free and run for the hills! Yeah, not so simple. I feel like I’ve just given away a good part of the movie, but this all happens in the first 5 minutes! Like I said, the film wastes no time getting started.

The main story centers around Hope (Nadja Brand) and how she deals with being in that same situation. Don’t worry, we only have a tiny amount of back story on Hope before she ends up in a casket, just enough to let you know she’s single and has a daughter. Turns out the casket/razor blade bit is just a test to see if the victim is strong enough to be made into a slave. Yep, the guy setting this up is just a sick freak in the woods who wants someone to tend his garden. I’m not making that up.

What follows is a test of wills, Hope’s vs. the wacko in the woods. Will he break her spirit or will she prevail? With a horror movie the ending isn’t always a sure thing and obviously I’m not going to tell you much more. I will say that I appreciated the blend of psychological horror with graphic horror. Usually movies will go one way or the other, but Broken does both and does them pretty well.

So why only 3 stars? Hard to pinpoint, but two things immediately come to mind. One is technical… the movie is shot on video instead of film, and while that doesn’t always bother me this time it made itself apparent, which took me out of the scene. I think it was a lighting issue. For 90% of the time it was spot on and looked just fine, but for 10% it was off a bit and made me feel like I was watching a TV show instead of a movie. Minor, but it contributed to the overall feel. Another thing was the ending, I just didn’t like it. Obviously I can’t say why, but it didn’t work for me. There were a couple of obvious directions to go and I think they choose poorly. That’s gonna be a personal thing though as I guarantee about half of the folks watching it will think they chose the right path, I just happen to disagree.

It’s worth watching though, and very much worth a rental. Just don’t compare it to Saw, they are nothing alike other than the initial puzzle on how to escape the tree.

A note on Nadja Brand.. she’s excellent! Her performance was spot on, no complaints at all. I have to imagine that standing in woods with fake blood on your face while some guys with video cameras tell you to act terrified is a tough thing to do, and she does it perfectly. Her screams aren’t overdone, her facial expressions seem realistic, and her body language is correct. I was quite impressed and hope to see her in something else soon.

What you have in this version is something that is a lot like a zombie movie except without all of the things that make a zombie movie fun to watch. They actually aren’t zombies, they are bodies that have been genetically reprogrammed, and now inhabited by, aliens. They get into your bloodstream and then reprogram your DNA during REM sleep. The whole “dont sleep!” thing happening on the screen is more likely there to plant a subliminal message to keep the audience awake.

The aliens don’t eat brains or anything cool like that. Instead they have desires to create this Hillary Clinton-esque world where individualism is totally dead. This means no war, no fights, no anything. In short, it sounds boring.

Nicole Kidman stars in a perfect role for her as she often gets to play an emotional character who cant show emotions. Daniel Craig is also in the movie. I would like to get my rope with the big knot in it to talk to him about better script selection.

This movie was shot in 2006 and in 2007 prior to release, the distribtor brought in the Wachowski Brothers from The Matrix to write some additional scenes and pnch the story up a little. Either they ruined or they couldn’t save it, take your choice. This puppy is 2 stars, skip it unless your other choice is an F-Troop marathon. No, I take that back….watch F-Troop, we love Larry Storch.

What’s great about watching the series now is picking out faces of people who went on to become stars. Robert Wuhl is there.. so is Randy from “My Name is Earl” along with many others. Of course, there’s just as many people who didn’t get recognizable roles but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Now about those puns.. they are really bad. REALLY bad. The Keeper playing cards.. a skeleton sitting next to him has something just out from his skull.. the quote.. “now THAT’S a poker face!” Yeah, it was a fireplace poker. And that’s just a visual gag, the name ones are just as bad. Here’s the text from the DVD cover to give you a sample:

“It’s that time of fear again! So if you’ve been missing the Crypt Keeper, here’s a chance to improve your aim. But be warned: It’ll be a fright to the finish. The cadaverous cut-up is your host for a 15-episode die-gest based on classic horror comics from back in the day and featuring a parade of characters who are variously merciless, clueless, topless and headless. Hank Azaria, Shelley Hack, Isaac Hayes, Richard Lewis, John Lithgow, Wayne Newton, Isabella Rossellini, Rita Rudner and Humphrey Bogart (you read that right) are among the stars. And vampires, mad doctors, killers, ghosts and adulterers are eager to come out and play. We could tell you more, but that would be wrong. You do know rot from wrong, don’t you?”

It just never ends. But, that’s part of the charm.. groan at the Keeper, groan at the cheesy special effects, groan at the lame acting, groan at the simple stories.. and yet, smile each time an episode starts.

Brotherhood of the Wolf has no idea what it wants to be. Is it just an artsy fartsy film like most of the foreign fare? No. Is it drama? Action? Horror? Actually it’s all of the above and then some. We opted to call it a horror movie as the central theme here most closely resembles a booger movie. However, in addition to a wolf like monster, we also get religion, aristocracy, martial arts, the occult, sword play, gun play and even some really freaky sex. The movie defies classification and changes many times as the story unfolds.

Supposedly this is based on the true story of the Beast of Gevaudan. In 1764, this remote part of the countryside of France was terrorized by a wolf-like animal which they simply called “The Beast”. A man named Gregoire de Fronsac, played by some French guy we’ve never heard of, arrives to help solve the mystery. He is called a “naturalist”, but is accompanied by a Native American and has obviously been taught much about animals, hunting and fighting by his friend. Did you know Native Americans are well versed in martial arts? Neither did I, but this one carries around a 12 pack of whoop ass. He’s quite capable of fighting off crowds of up to a dozen men. But then again, one American versus a dozen French guys isn’t exactly a fair fight, you need more Frenchmen. At any rate, we follow them in their quest for The Beast.

The movie looks great on the big screen, and the fight scenes are wonderfully choreographed. In fact they remind me of something one might ordinarily expect to find in a movie filmed in Hong Kong. However, in addition to the inherent problem of trying to enjoy the movie while reading subtitles, this movie is about 20-30 minutes longer than it should’ve been. Toward the end it starts to feel long and really begins to drag just a bit. For most of us, I think it might be best to wait on the DVD and see if they offer a English audio track. If so, then this movie is worth watching. Otherwise, avoid it unless really in the mood for something totally different.