Without spoiling too much, let us give you a sample of what you have to look forward to, so you can decide whether this is REALLY for you. And if so, whether you might want to have something to vomit in near the couch when you watch. If the idea of drinking beer that just came out of a guys butt is too much for you, stop now.

These Welsh guys are simply not right in the head. There’s no amount of money that would make a totally sane person do some of these stunts. This is also not a movie for a homophobe. There are shades of Brokeback Mountain in here. Hey, just because they’re messing with each other’s junk, that doesn’t make them gay, right? Again, just a little warning here, if you dont wanna see a lot of sausage, again stop now.

Now if you’re like us, and see something gross and immediately wanna share it with all of your buddies, you have to have this DVD. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, you might puke!

I was RIGHT there with him.

The Fountain is not something I can describe and do the film any justice at all. The visual effects are beyond anything you’ve seen before. This isn’t because of the technology behind them, but rather for the unfettered imagination that came up with the imagery in the first place. And then there are the philosophical and metaphysical elements of the movie that defy any rational attempt to quantify.

I have given a lot of thought to this movie over the past few days and I still don’t fully understand what I was seeing in some places. But that’s kind of ok, I guess. There is a message in this movie. I got it. And the really odd thing is that I think the message will be different for each person that sees it. This is because you will be forced…no, that’s too strong a word. You will be urged to let your mind walk a path that you don’t want to go down; a path you probably have never even dared approach. It is the path of death.

Yes, director Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream) wanted to make a movie about death and what it means to us mortals. He does so by showing us three different timelines: Spain in the middle ages, the present day, and some future time. The movie posters and trailers say 2500, but there is absolutely NO way to reference that. The only *real* character you see in that timeline is Jackman’s and he never talks about what year it is. You can’t even judge by his surroundings since he is WAY out in space, floating along in the odd bubble and living in it like a hermit or monk.

In the Spain timeline, Hugh Jackman is a decidely loyal conquistador who pledges himself to finding the Fountain of Youth in order to preserve the life of his Queen, Isabel, and thereby Spain, as well. In the present, Jackman is a dedicated research scientist doggedly trying to find a cure for brain cancer. He is doing so because his wife, “Izzy”, is terminally ill with it. During his research, he stumbles upon a miraculous anti-aging compound that has interesting implications…and complications to his research. In the future timeline…ah, hell, I have no idea what was going on there. It was a spectacularly beautiful…and confusing acid trip.

I honestly cannot say whether or not I recommend this movie. It just defies normal ratings and classifications. I can say, however, that if someone very close to you has recently died or is dying, it will stir your very core. And that may or may not be a good thing.

Now if y’all will excuse me, I’m going to watch some football follies and continue my recovery from this flick.

Gumball 3000: Six Days in May is a DVD based on the 2004 running of the Gumball in Europe. This is not a “race” as such, it is a rally technically. In reality, what you have is a bunch of rich bad boys with a spectacular collection of super cars tear assing across France, Spain and Morocco. They drive like mad men during the day and party like rock stars at night. This my friends is what we would consider a good time!

Our only complaint with this DVD is that we would like to take the editor out back and smack him silly. He doesn’t stick with any car or crew long enough to really feel like we’re in the race. And anytime they’re about to do something cool like get some track time we’ll get a few seconds then he’ll cut away to someone sipping cocktails at an after-party. We’d love to see a lot more footage of the driving. There are some cool sequences including one spectacular wreck, but it could be better.

Regardless, we give this DVD 4 stars. It’s worth it for the gorgeous collection of cars and cool sequences, scattered as they may be. If you feel a stirring in your loins when I start saying words like Ferrari Enzo, Porsche Twin Turbo, Lamborghini Murcielago or Mercedes AMG then this DVD is for you. And for any of you who are thinking “a car is just transportation”, we’ll tell you Adrien Brody is one of the participants as we know you probably think he’s hot.

Plot time; Charlie Bucket (Highmore) is a poor kid that lives in a shack with his loser parents and his 4 worthless, bed-ridden grandparents somewhere in England. I call his parents losers because dad is so broke he can’t afford to buy his kid anything except a candy bar once a year, and Mom just sits at home making water soup all day… BIG LOSERS! All this kid wants is a house filled with love and an occasional sugar fix and his parents make him live in a shack with no roof, WTF??? Do you know a single kid that will relate to this character? If you do, don’t feel bad they won’t see the movie anyway… they live in a cave or mud hut and were not at all the target demographic so enjoy your lives without regret – I know I do. Lost my train again; Charlie hears rumor of the chocolate factory in town reopening for one day only, but the only way to get invited is to find one of 5 golden tickets that have been sent out by chocolateer Willy Wonka (Depp).

Of course the first 4 tickets go to undeserving brats with parents who worked hard, and made something of themselves and don’t make it a point to remind the rest of the world to feel sorry for them because they live in a shack! We of course are supposed to hate these children and their parents and root for ‘poor old’ Charlie and his wrinkled Grandpa. Do you see why we can’t relate to this story anymore? He gets the 5th ticket and goes on the tour, blah, blah, blah… etc, etc, etc.

Well I won’t bore you anymore with the heavy handed guilt associated with this movie; I will just remind you that if you liked the other one you were younger and had no understanding of certain core concepts; The biggest one of all is that you get what you earn, not what you deserve. And, if you do see this movie and feel sorry and wish you were Charlie, move out of your moms basement and get a job, have someone tell you to share what you worked so hard for then tell me how you feel. Bet it is a different conversation. Damn it lost my train again!

Nothing blew up, No one caught a bullet trying to disarm a nuclear weapon on an asteroid and I never once heard anyone say ‘I’ll Be Back’. So, in short it didn’t satisfy my blood lust Or, just plain old lust for that matter. I gave it 3 stars because I saw the kids liked it, Depp was more than a little creepy and Burton was awesome as usual but if I were a single guy with no kids I would avoid this movie like the plague. Go see something with breast’s in it, I promise you will smile more.

I don’t always enjoy erotic thrillers. Most of the time they leave me disappointed. There’s too much focus on the erotic scenes, and not enough on the actual “thriller” part of the story. I was somewhat shocked when Lust Connection actually delivered a watchable story to accompany the eroticism!

Lust Connection is all about Rick Taylor (Harper), an internet millionaire whose incredibly hot wife Susan (Gilbert with blonde hair) is found dead in a hot tub. When he becomes the prime suspect in the murder case, he confesses to the detective that he had been having affairs with women he met on the internet. Rick has a series of flashbacks to these various encounters, trying to find the woman who might have murdered his wife. Susan’s twin sister, Jenny (Gilbert with dark hair), shows up to offer support to Rick.

More than anything, this story is about Rick Taylor being the luckiest man alive. Not only does he find plenty of women on the internet willing to meet him for illicit sex, but they are all knockouts! One of them is played by porn superstar Chasey Lain, who is the subject of my favorite song by The Bloodhound Gang.

Most of the time these erotic thrillers have to settle for whatever skank actresses they can find to take their clothes off. But the producers of Lust Connection found some mighty fine women for Rick, which is the type of role I need to be auditioning for more often.

The DVD includes an extra feature film titled Night Vamps, which unfortunately has nothing to do with Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls or Vamps 2: Blood Sisters. It stars Glori-Anne Gilbert and three other actresses. The plot for Night Vamps is spread out over four segments, each one involving an actress stripping for a camcorder. I hit the fast-forward button through the first three segments, but the final segment with Gilbert is worth watching.

Seduction Cinema is releasing three more movies from the producers of Lust Connection later this year. I’m really looking forward to the one titled The House on Hooter Hill. I’m ready to give that one five stars for the name alone.

Don’t bother adding Lust Connection to your Netflix queue. Go ahead and buy it. You won’t be disappointed.

Now, you’re probably thinking that I’ve spoiled the whole movie for you. I probably have if you’re the type who enjoys recent George Lucas movies filled with meaningless action. But for those of you who can appreciate the subtle, nuanced performances of two beautiful young actresses giving each other a sponge bath, then you don’t want to miss this one.

As a bonus, Seduction Cinema has included an additional feature on this DVD. The previously out-of-print Vampire’s Seduction features Dracula’s daughter (Tina Krause) seducing Wally Van Helsing. Wally is the great-great-great-grandson of the legendary vampire hunter, Peter Cushing.

Wally’s mission is to find lesbians for Dracula’s daughter. First he spies on a woman taking a shower. Then he secretly watches a slumber party, where three young women discover their female sexuality. (This scene features Misty’s older sister, Chelsea.) Finally, he checks out a female doctor and her female patient, who get naked and make out for a little while. When the pizza delivery guy arrives with some food, they give him the best tip he’ll ever get.

John Paul Fedele plays Wally as the perfect dork, whose antics made me crack up several times. Kraus’s sexy pronunciation of “Dracula” made me laugh, too. And Debbie Rochon, who is one of my favorite B-movie actresses, plays a tough waitress who keeps her clothes on (unlike all the other actresses in the movie.)

If you’re a casual Misty Mundae fan, you may just want to rent this one and enjoy two movies for the price of one rental. But if you appreciate quality T&A and campy acting, this is definitely one you’ll want to pick up.