Step 1: Cast some f&*$@#$ AWESOME actors in your movie! Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem prove they have the acting chops to hang with anyone at any time on any script. The performances they all give are fantastic with Bardem’s bordering on staggeringly good (and I love his weapon of choice). Even the second tier supporting characters are great with Woody Harrelson, Barry Corbin, and Stephen Root all turning in very solid efforts.

Step 2: Make sure the script is as well written as any other that came before it. Stuff it full of intense cat-and-mouse sequences that drive up your adrenalin levels by tortuously playing out in their own sweet time. Create dialogue for the characters that both crackles with subdued energy and smolders with relentless deliberation.

Step 3: Using mad skilz as a director, combine the actors and their talents with the aforementioned dialogue and have a camera rolling. Create an engulfing sense of the proverbial ‘irresistable force’ chasing after the ‘immovable object’.

Step 4: Once the audience is completely enthralled, start beating them over the head with not-so-subtle metaphors and allegorical dialogue about life, getting old, and the inevitability of fate.

Step 5: Execute major character changes and action sequences “off-screen” so that the audience is left wondering what the heck they just missed…and why. Make it obvious that the reason for this was so that you can see the events from the point of view of an interesting but otherwise inconsequential character in the story.

Step 6: You’re almost there! You’ve got the audience quite confused and mildly annoyed so now is the time to just abruptly END THE MOVIE! Yes, just end it. Don’t resolve anything. Just make sure to throw in a few more metaphors and allegorical bits at the very end before you cut the camera off.

Step 7 (optional): Go sit in a theater so you can witness the abject astonishment on the faces of the moviegoers as the lights come up. Lean back and enjoy how it rapidly turns to righteous anger as everyone begins to realize how they’ve been shortchanged.

I had these same emotions as the credits rolled (as did pretty much everyone in the theater) and, as I sit here hours later, I’m *still* royally pissed off. This was a full 5-star movie up through the 2nd act. They had near perfection in their freakin’ hands and decided to f&*$ it up with a completely BS ending. I just don’t understand all the praise being heaped upon this movie by my fellow movie reviewers. Either I’m just missing something at a very basic level with this movie…or everyone else has an unnatural love of symbolism and metaphor. Either way, I have to ask to to avoid this one unless you plan on leaving the theater for the last part of the movie.

The basic story is of an undercover cop (Keanu Reeves) who’s working his way up the ladder in a drug organization, who in the line of duty also has to partake of said drugs. Unfortunately for him this drug causes brain damage resulting in paranoia, hallucinations, and a general loss of ones identity. This only happens if you’ve been taking them for a long time or in large doses… but he’s been on this case for quite a while, and it’s been very stressful.

To make matters worse, the police never know each other’s true identities. They wear bodysuits that constantly shift their appearance when in the office and never enter/exit by the same door. This is fantastic as an officer can’t get burned by a potential dirty cop, but if you’re having delusions you could see how this might become a problem. Who am I? Who is this guy I’m watching video of? I should take him down! You get the idea.

The acting is first rate as you’d expect from this cast, and the writing is excellent. Just wait until Robert Downey Jr. buys an 18 speed bike off the street and Woody Harrelson figures out that 9 of the gears are missing. It’s classic stoner dialog that reminds me of college.. others of course, I would never do such a thing.

If you’ve got a couple of beers or perhaps something stronger, pop this one in the DVD player and see what you think. If you’re into good dialog and/or great art direction, you’ll also want to give it a shot. If you just want things to explode then you’ll think my 4 star rating is nuts, but at least you have boobs to look at.

Movies For Guys’ Original Review of the Theatrical Release

This is really two movies in one, with the first movie being a buddy buddy bonding movie and the second being a kick-ass boxing flick.

Actually the first half of the movie is a buddy/buddy/buddy movie with the third buddy being the ex-girlfriend (Lolita Davidovich.) You might be tempted to blow off the first hour as filler designed to keep your date happy while building up a story to go along with the fight. Come to think of it, the first hour is something that will keep your date happy while building up a story to go along with the fight sequence. This isn’t a bad thing though, and the writing is topnotch with an absolute classic conversation regarding a man building bridges. In other words, you want to pay attention during this part and not just make an excuse to hang out in the lobby or grab a second Coke from the concession stand.

While the writing and acting during the first hour is excellent, it’s also a little bit slow. Trimming out 15 minutes or so would have been a nice move here, but I can’t blame them for keeping it just like it is.

Verdict: First hour gets 3 stars.

Now that the story has been set up so that you actually care about the fighters, the movie really starts to kick some serious ass. Woody Harrelson is completely believable as a middleweight fighter. He’s got the look, he’s got the moves, and he just exudes attitude. Antonio Banderas gives this his best shot, and honestly he does a pretty decent job but he isn’t even in the same league with Woody physically.

Camera work is excellent, I really wish that Ron Shelton had directed Any Given Sunday instead of Oliver Stone as he really knows how to bring sporting action to the screen in such a way that you feel the action. It is possible to use artistic camera effects to highlight what is going on in a characters mind without screwing up the action like Stone did, trust me on this. Oh, and you’ll really enjoy what goes through their minds…

Verdict: Second hour gets 5 stars.

Taken together the movie gets a solid 4 star rating and is very much worth your time and money to see. One caveat though if you’re planning to take a date. Make sure she isn’t queasy about boxing violence. If the image of a man pummeling another mans face into a bloody mess would just turn her off for a week, you might want to just go see this movie with the guys. If you do want her to go and need something to convince her to go with you, just let her know that you get to see both Woody and Antonio bare ass naked in the shower… that ought to do it.