Cellular

December 10, 2004

Rated: PG-13 Runtime: 95 min Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

My first thought when I saw a preview for this was… ï¿½I bet this thing sucksï¿½. Turns out I might have been a little quick to judge. However, that does not mean I was wrong. I still must warn all interested parties that this movie requires miles upon miles of suspension of disbelief to get through it’s (what feels like) nearly 2 hour running time.

Cellular

Set in sunny HELL-A Cali, Cellular is about a kid named Ryan (Chris Evans) and his unexpected involvement in the abduction of Jessica Martin (Kim Basinger) and her family by a very nasty (the best kind) leading villain named Greer (Jason Statham) and his band of cronies.

The movie starts out with a pretty solid opening and it tries very hard to keep that pace until the very end. Jessica walks her son to the bus. Strolls back to her ï¿½modest’ LA home and just as she walks back in the door past her immigrant house keeper, the back door shatters and 4 men come in with guns. They pop Consuela in the pan, grab up our little science teacher and jet off in her Porsche Cayenne to an old creepy looking house in the hills. Greer drags her into the attic, throws her on the floor and demands to know where ï¿½IT’ is. Not knowing what ï¿½IT’ is, Jessica is really starting to panic so waits for Statham to leave then uses her Mrs. Wizard hotty science teacher mind to call out on a broken phone using two wires, by tapping them together. What? Is that even possible? We get the cliffhanger moment of ï¿½Will she, Wont sheï¿½ which is pointless because we all saw the trailer and know she does.

Then we meet our main character Ryan. Ryan is a kind of free spirit (bum) that glides through life without a care and for the most part would not notice a fire if it weren’t behind a chickie with nice knockers and an arse you could bounce a quarter off of. Not that that is a bad thing. Especially the ass with the quarter thing, we all like that. Where was I? Oh yeah Cellular. Anywhoo, after being dismissed by his ex-honey played by the yummilicious Chloe (Jessiaca Biel) he heads out on an errand to prove he is responsible and possibly bed the young lady as a reward, which is great reward. He’s driving to Office Depot to pick up t-shirts when his phone rings and it is none other than our kidnap victim who through random chance DID (applause) manage to tap out a phone number and connect to our hero, Ryan.

After a few back and forth scenes, Jessica convinces Ryan that she is a kidnap victim not a crazy crackhead and she convinces him to go to the police. This is where we get to meet the real star of the movie, Sgt. Moonie (William H. Macy). Ryan gives Mooney the phone and before he can get all the facts a riot breaks out in the precinct so he directs Ryan to the detectives upstairs to look in to the potential kidnapping. While running upstairs he realizes he is losing his signal and with a constant smattering of whining and begging (shut up already) from Basinger, Evans goes back to his car to try and help on his own… The rest of the story is at a movie theatre near you and I suggest you go out and see it ASAP.

I live in the ATL and I can tell you from personal experience that it is impossible to maintain a cell signal for more than 15 minutes in a car, and this kid manages to keep one for almost 90 minutes. BS for sure but the movie is anything but, actually it is pretty damn good even with the plot holes and ridiculously obvious storyline. Acting was good and the soundtrack was cool and something blows up. Loved it.

Posted by J.C. Edwards | Filed Under 4 Stars, Chris Evans, Jason Statham, Jessica Biel, Kim Basinger, Noah Emmerich, PG-13, Theatrical, Thriller