Dark Water

July 6, 2005

Rated: PG-13 Runtime: 105 min Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Editor’s Note: We apologize for the tone, grammar and language of the following review. However, JC’s venom toward this movie was so genuine that we just do not have the heart to edit it. As Boon says to Otter when he wants to correct Bluto about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor, “forget it, he’s rolling…”.

When I left Batman Begins I remember how desprately I wanted to get to my trusty keyboard so I could hammer out my praise so the world would know what a masterpiece Nolan had created. Well, let’s just say I wanted to get to my keyboard even more for this one, not for the same reason mind you, but I felt even more compelled to let the world know all about Dark Water than F’N Batman and that is saying something coming from this camp.

Dark Water In short or long as the case may be - I absolutely despised every moment of this P.O.S. I have never in the history of seeing movies seen anything I ‘hated’ before; Let us look at the definition of that word before we go any further, shall we - Hate, it means to dislike something so strongly that it demands action. Action people, ACTION!!! I am a man and unlike chicks that hold grudges (another piece of sheeot) and remember things just to pick a fight later, we let stuff go and move on. Which is normally the philosophy of the staff here at MFG; But, I can’t in good conscience do that for this film, and the world will know of it’s suckage if it is my last act on earth - THIS I COMMAND! I could go on for days and I will rant more but not until I explain the premise to you and calm down a little before I pop a vessel. …breathe…

Jennifer Connelly plays a looney name Dahlia that is forced to find a cheap apartment for her and her daughter (Gade) named Ceci - another thing I hated - while she goes through what could be a nasty divorce from her hubby. With very limited options Dahlia and Ceci (urgghhh) choose a pearl of a place run by Mr. Murray (Reilly) and his flunky Veeck (Postlethwaite) on Roosevelt Island just outside of Manhattan. The happy mom and daughter combo move in and on night one they notice a big “spooky” water stain. Mom complains to Mr Murray and he gets Veeck to fix it, until it comes back (oh no it is too scary to continue) on it’s own. This goes on throughout the whole stupid movie and only stops long enough to throw in an imaginary friend, 2 would be felon teens a DAMN Hello Kitty backpack and the most predictable finale since Titanic. It’s just too painful to explain anymore so I will rant instead so I can end this abomination of a review before I really do have an aneurysm and bite it.

Every child knows there are three basic parts to a story and all should be included when writing one. You need a beginning, a middle and an end and none of these pieces are optional, they are G’D requirements. So why is it you think this particular screenwriter decided to leave out two of them? You don’t know well neither do I but he sure as hell did it. This 96 hour marathon of boredom began and never ended… it just stopped! Which I am glad it did because 5 more minutes and I would have been looking for some rafters to hang myself from, at least that way someone would have been entertained during this turd.

I will leave you all with this tidbit. Stop encouraging Japanese film makers to bring their sh*tty movies over here for us to see them. We want blood, guts and chases in our horror movies. We want the killer to ring up a huge body count, leave one hot chick that WILL show us her goodies alive, so she can ultimately do the killer in using some bizarre method, yet leaving it completely open for a potential sequel if box office is strong enough, and that is IT! These F’N movies (Ring, Grudge, Dark Water) have none of that and worse than that, they all have the same stupid plot device, (a creepy faced ghost kid that drowned and wants peace) and expect us to be entertained. It ain’t working!

Sorry but this will be the last minute of my life that gets taken away from me for bad Japanese imports and if you guys out there have a pair you’ll join me in this trends demise. Say it loud, Say it Proud - We want Blood and Bullets, We want Boobies, the more the merrier!

Posted by J.C. Edwards | Filed Under 1 Stars, Ariel Gade, Horror, Jenniferr Connelly, John C. Reilly, PG-13, Pete Postlethwaite, Theatrical, Tim Roth