No Country for Old Men

November 26, 2007

Rated: R Runtime: 122 min Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

I hate being pissed off at a movie. I really do. I’d much rather it just simply suck so that I can just dislike it or, at worst, have contempt for it. But in this case the Coen brothers have really managed to piss me off. If I ever wrote a book entitled “How to F&*$ up a Perfectly Great Movie,” all I’d need to do would be to study the Coen’s latest film, No Country for Old Men.

nocountry.jpgStep 1: Cast some f&*$@#$ AWESOME actors in your movie! Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem prove they have the acting chops to hang with anyone at any time on any script. The performances they all give are fantastic with Bardem’s bordering on staggeringly good (and I love his weapon of choice). Even the second tier supporting characters are great with Woody Harrelson, Barry Corbin, and Stephen Root all turning in very solid efforts.

Step 2: Make sure the script is as well written as any other that came before it. Stuff it full of intense cat-and-mouse sequences that drive up your adrenalin levels by tortuously playing out in their own sweet time. Create dialogue for the characters that both crackles with subdued energy and smolders with relentless deliberation.

Step 3: Using mad skilz as a director, combine the actors and their talents with the aforementioned dialogue and have a camera rolling. Create an engulfing sense of the proverbial ‘irresistable force’ chasing after the ‘immovable object’.

Step 4: Once the audience is completely enthralled, start beating them over the head with not-so-subtle metaphors and allegorical dialogue about life, getting old, and the inevitability of fate.

Step 5: Execute major character changes and action sequences “off-screen” so that the audience is left wondering what the heck they just missed…and why. Make it obvious that the reason for this was so that you can see the events from the point of view of an interesting but otherwise inconsequential character in the story.

Step 6: You’re almost there! You’ve got the audience quite confused and mildly annoyed so now is the time to just abruptly END THE MOVIE! Yes, just end it. Don’t resolve anything. Just make sure to throw in a few more metaphors and allegorical bits at the very end before you cut the camera off.

Step 7 (optional): Go sit in a theater so you can witness the abject astonishment on the faces of the moviegoers as the lights come up. Lean back and enjoy how it rapidly turns to righteous anger as everyone begins to realize how they’ve been shortchanged.

I had these same emotions as the credits rolled (as did pretty much everyone in the theater) and, as I sit here hours later, I’m *still* royally pissed off. This was a full 5-star movie up through the 2nd act. They had near perfection in their freakin’ hands and decided to f&*$ it up with a completely BS ending. I just don’t understand all the praise being heaped upon this movie by my fellow movie reviewers. Either I’m just missing something at a very basic level with this movie…or everyone else has an unnatural love of symbolism and metaphor. Either way, I have to ask to to avoid this one unless you plan on leaving the theater for the last part of the movie.

Popularity: 61% [?]

Posted by Alex | Filed Under 2 Stars, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, R, Theatrical, Tommy Lee Jones, Woody Harrelson 

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Comments

2 Responses to “No Country for Old Men”

  1. rnealon78 on June 3rd, 2008 10:08 am

    Hey Alex, are you parents cousins?

    This is the worst “review” I’ve ever read, frankly I don’t know why you bothered. No Country For Old Men is one of the greatest movies of this decade and the fact that you thought the ending was “BS” is because this film is far beyond the limits of your mental capacity. This has got one of the most profound and moving endings I’ve ever seen in a motion picture.

    Why don’t you stick to reviewing bullshit like Good Luck Chuck? Or maybe write a review on the Three Colours Trilogy. That would be good for a laugh.

  2. pallidorus on August 11th, 2008 6:45 am

    This is the best review I have ever read of this movie. I wanted to see this movie so badly but I never did and I finally I see it and wow I was so disappointed. I 100% agree with this review and loved this movie until about 2/3 in and I am so glad I didn’t see it in theaters. I had to go watch “O Brother Where Art Thou” again to keep myself from losing all respect for the Coen brothers.

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