The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

December 10, 2004

Rated: R Runtime: 90 min Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a star vehicle for Jessica Biel’s body. OK, so it’s really about a whack job killing people with a chainsaw, but it was hard to notice any of that when Jessica was on screen.

This film advertises itself as being “based on a true story”, which is a lie. There wasn’t a chainsaw wielding texan who hunted down college aged kids and made trinkets from their body parts, at least not one that’s been caught. It does make for an interesting story though, and pretending it’s real makes it that much more icky.

The storyline is pretty standard. Teens pick up hitchhiker, which turns out to be a bad idea, and then proceed to do many many stupid things that get them all killed. Two things make this movie stand out from others of it’s type, R. Lee Ermey and Jessica Biel.

Ermey is best known as the drill sargent in Full Metal Jacket and it’s a real pleasure here to see him torturing the kids with his unique brand of language. Jessica Biel is best known for the TV show 7th Heaven I suppose, though I’ve never seen the show myself. From this moment forward she should be known for her fabulous body! I’m not kidding when I say she took any tension out of every scene she was in simply because we couldn’t stop looking at her tight tanktop, bare midriff, and stunning backside. We obviously weren’t the only ones and virtually every scene she’s in is lit in such a way as to show off her physique. Heck, they even found an excuse to soak her down at one point so we could see her all wet.

When the blood and violence did manage to get our attention, it was pretty good. There’s lots of body parts laying around, and the chainsaw does get some good action along with a meat clever. It wasn’t that scary though, and you pretty much know what’s happening from the very beginning as the movie lays it all out for you in the opener.

The high parts are Jessica, Ermey, and the final scene with the squad car. Those things together bring this movie up from 2 stars to 3, so if those things don’t sound interesting to you then you’ll likely find this movie a waste of time.

Posted by John | Filed Under 3 Stars, Andrew Bryniarski, Eric Balfour, Horror, Jessica Biel, Lauren German, R, R. Lee Ermey, Theatrical