Universal Soldier: The Return

December 12, 2004

Rated: R Runtime: 89 min Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

DVD Quick Take

I missed this one in the theaters, and I can’t say that I feel I really missed out on anything. On DVD it is rather enjoyable though, if for no other reason that to watch Goldberg do his thing. The best way to watch this movie is to invite a couple guys over, drink some beers and make fun of it as it goes along.

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Movies For Guys’ Original Review of the Theatrical Release

You won’t be hearing much about this movie come Oscar time. And I’m pretty sure neither Meryl Streep or Dustin Hoffman were contacted about any of the roles in the movie. This is very light viewing and you best check your sense of disbelief at the door. However, on the Movies for Guys scale this movie is near perfect. See all of that green on our vital stats bars to the right of your screen? That’s a good thing! This movie oozes testosterone. Sure, it’s a thin plot and looks like it was made on a budget of $4.98, but any self respecting red meat eating male will find it entertaining.

Universal Soldier: The Return as the name suggests is the sequel to 1992’s Universal Soldier, also starring Van Damme. This time Van Damme is now just a “former” Universal Soldier helping to build the new and much improved models. They never even attempt to explain how Devereaux (Van Damme) changes from a Unisol to a human, like I said, check your disbelief at the door. When the government pulls the plug on the whole project, the computer running the show feels threatened and turns against the humans. And only Jean-Claude can stop it!

If this all sounds strangely familiar, it should. This movie borrows elements from 2001: A Space Odyssey, War Games and Terminator among others.

Although I definitely wouldn’t say this movie represents a return to form for Van Damme, it is one of his better recent efforts. However, the show stealer is Goldberg as he steals every scene he is in. Goldberg plays one of the new Universal Soldiers and does a great spoof of himself as being totally indestructible in a hysterical manner. You cant stop him, you just piss him off more. He plays a total bad guy with no redeeming qualities at all, but I think most guys will find themselves cheering for him by the end of the movie. They do a great job of capturing Goldberg’s charisma on film. He makes this movie for me, without him, it would just be another cheesy Van Damme action flick.

The movie suffers from an obviously low budget. The high dollar effects, pyro, etc just aren’t there, and when they attempt it, the size of the budget becomes very obvious. However, the fight sequences are the best I’ve seen since Matrix. Van Damme may have lost a couple of steps, but he can still choreograph a good sequence. And Goldberg’s fight sequences are outstanding.

If you’re in the market for a good old fashioned mindless action flick, this is just the ticket, go see it. However, if you have no idea who Bill Goldberg is and you’re looking for a movie that you can talk about in your discussion group at the meeting at the coffee shop next week, you might wanna skip it.

Posted by Billy Bob | Filed Under 4 Stars, Action, Bill Goldberg, DVD, Heidi Schanz, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kiana Tom, Michael Jae White, R