XXX: State of the Union
April 29, 2005
Rated: PG-13 Runtime: 94 min Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
XXX:State of the Union is either a 1 star movie that earns an extra star for the action, or a 3 star movie that loses a star for being so utterly unbelievable. Either way, it’s a 2 star movie.
The movie starts off at a horse farm in Virginia, which we quickly discover is actually the home base for the XXX project, complete with xXx logos and everything. We learn it’s the secret base because it’s under attack! GASP! On top of that, the technology they are using to do the attack is “10-years beyond anything NSA has”, yet the resident geek is able to glance at some hardware and not only say what it does, but give technical specs on it. The realism just goes downhill from here.
During the battle we learn that Xander has been killed in Bora Bora and we’re gonna need a new xXx to save the day. GASP! We’re gonna have to go “off the grid” and get someone tougher than Xander… that someone is… Ice Cube! Yes, that cuddly once-upon-a-time badboy has been chosen to be the guy more “hardcore” than Vin Diesel. Right.
Darius Stone (Ice Cube) has been in prison for the last 9 years (gives him that nice hardcore attitude) for disobeying an order while he was in the Navy as a Seal (gotta establish the skills). Once he’s broken out of prison by jumping off a roof and DOWN to catch the rung of a helicopter, he eats a hamburger and fries and is ready to kick some ass. At this point I kinda like the new xXx, he’s got his priorities right.
The next thing to establish is street cred, so when the new team needs a place to lay low for a few days, it’s back to the hood they go where some young bodyguard types at a chop shop just pop the door right open for Darius without even asking who he is. That’s how much cred he’s got, kids that would be too young to know him just KNOW he’s the man.
Oh, there’s a bit of romance for the new xXx as well, and it’s just as lame and forced as the 50+ one-liners they came up with for Ice Cube to say. Lame and forced, that pretty much sums up the movie along with stupid and unbelievable. Being that I like action oriented guy movies I’m used to having to turn my brain off at the door of the theater, but this movie asks for too much in that regard. A tank battle in the hold of an aircraft carrier while Darius and some other guy exchange one-liners on the radio? What do you think would happen if a car ran off the highway at 160mph and hit some railroad tracks? It would flip over and explode of course, but not if xXx is driving!
I could go on and on, but what’s the point? The acting is passable at best and the story is a joke. However, there are some cool gadgets (and the geek can make a hand weapon out of a rocket in less than an hour, and not even get dirty!) and lots of things explode. In the final tally this really is a 1 star movie that gets that extra star just for the action, and it barely got that.
Seen it? How many stars do you give it?
(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)
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